I hate you, technology

I am the girl whose laptop shorted out during the middle of an evidence exam. No, I did not trample anyone or cry out like a raging wildebeest, but it was close. That's not nearly as bad as the story I heard today about a professor's laptop quitting in.the.middle.of.the.BAR.EXAM!!!!!!!!!

I have a love-hate relationship with technology; that is, I love technology and it indubitably hates me. I have been dropped from my insurance plan due to the three telephones I have gone through within the past eight months. All probably my fault, although certainly not intentional. I wouldn't INTENTIONALLY throw my Droid into a toilet. I didn't intentionally place my cell phone on the trunk of my car and crush it to bits. And I certainly didn't mean to crack the screen on my latest phone when I dropped it to the pavement (again, on accident).

My computer now is literally two years old (which is still, like, 60 in computer years, but I digress). It has, however, had problems since the beginning. It began with all of my picture files corrupting. It wouldn't let me run a chkdsk, and when I finally wiped it clean and started over, I though it would be the end of the troubles.

Today, however, I received bad news. My laptop's hard drive has the equivalent of cancer. This means that it is slowly dying...although it could decide to hurry up the process at any given, arbitrary time. Since my parents are tired of my love-hate relationship with cell phones (and their money--again, I love their money; they hate giving it me), they automatically told me there is no way on God's green earth that I am getting a new computer.

My parents have had the same computer for EIGHT YEARS and the desktop is completely filled with icons because they don't understand the use or meaning of a folder. They also think all computer problems are solved by unplugging it from a wall while it's still running. No sympathy there.

So today, my computer had a biopsy. I took it to the school's computer guy (who has mad skillz btw), who told me the news with a somber face and a very good bedside manner. He told me that my hard drive is very sick. He said nothing can be done to save it. He also congratulated me on my slight case of OCD backup mania, and recommended a hard drive I go out and buy. When I mentioned the possibility of the hard drive rising from the grave like Lazarus, the expression on his face told me that Jesus himself could not heal the shitty hand my poor piece of technology has been dealt. 

I sucked it up and ordered my new hard drive. I seriously doubt it will be here before finals start. When they do start, he will be unable to replace my cancer-ridden hard drive until after I am finished because of the damn testing software regulations.

I won't even go into that one time I accidentally left a magnet on the TV and my dad whooped my ass because it ruined the color scheme.

Guide to Becoming A Savvy Negotiator....

Let's get this straight--I am by no means an "intelligent negotiator." However, I am definitely not a moron. Some people apparently seem to think a negotiation is about offering a deal and walking if you don't accept said deal. So let me break it down for the less savvy negotiator, Dr. Juris style:

1) Don't be a moron. This means when you walk into the negotiation, come in prepared. Don't shoot me a load of bullshit. I went to law school too, you know, and I can recognize a liar a mile away. And trust me, I don't appreciate you pissing on my foot and telling me it's raining.

2) Don't misrepresent material facts. This may seem like a no-brainer--if you lie, you are committing FRAUD. You are also being a humongous asshole. You'd be surprised at how few people think twice about misrepresenting something that has significant bearing upon the case or issue at hand. Be that person that considers their words carefully.

3) Don't speak just to hear yourself talk. You may think you are being nice. You may think you are engaging in idle chitchat. You are probably doing one of several bad things (1) confusing me; (2) laying all your cards on the table; (3) annoying me; (4) wasting time, both yours and mine; (5) giving me valuable information to use against you later in the negotiation. And when I use said information, please do not act like you didn't say this. Because I will use that against you too.

4) The best deal for your client doesn't necessarily have to be the worst deal for opposing counsel. This is self-explanatory. You should not go into the meeting with the intention of screwing the other person over. You should go into the meeting with the intention of getting the best possible deal for your client. Sometimes this means the opposing counsel gets screwed. Other times, it doesn't.

5) Don't play hardball--it is called a negotiation for a reason. Because your first offer should not be your last offer. And if you try to play that game, I'll kick your Boulware-loving ass out of my office so fast that your head will spin.

6) Be prepared to make an offer. A real offer. This isn't an "aspirational" offer. This isn't the offer that your opposing counsel would accept if he were being held at gun point. This is a feasible offer based on a principled rationale and backed up with logic. As an aside: please don't let the opposing side make all the offers and try to show you rational bases while you stick with playing the hardball I warned you about in #5. This isn't to say you can't start with a ridiculous number, but be prepared to come back down to planet Earth.

7) Arrange your interests in order, from most important to least important. Sure, everything is important, but some things are MORE important. You have to be willing to make concessions on the little things to get the big enchilada. Don't be prepared to walk away form the table for a small detail, either. That's stupid, frustrates the other side, and gives you a bad reputation.

8) Consult with your client. As per the rules of Professional Responsibility, you should relay the deal back to your client unless they have given you implicit authorization to go ahead with this deal. Even then, I would urge you to consult with your client (because we all now how unreasonable clients can be, right?). Better safe than sorry.

9) Don't assume. Yes, I am a woman. No, I do not have testicles. But I do have the capabilities to cut your testicles off and put them in my purse. Don't assume things about me, about the case, or about anything, really. It makes an ASS out of U (and as for ME, I will not be happy).

10) I scratch your back, you scratch mine. We don't have to be at each others' throats. It's okay to participate in some information sharing. Discuss client's interests. The rest will follow.

If all else fails, read "Getting to Yes." Breaking one or two of these rules is sometimes allowable (although I don't encourage it because if you do it to me, I will want to snap your neck). I will caution you that breaking these rules often will lead to a bad reputation and the possibility of being pushed in front of a bus. Negotiations are tricky business, and while the client's best interests reign supreme, you don't have to use assholish tactics to accomplish these ends.

If you are up against the rulebreaker, do us all a favor. Push them out the window.

Get the gopher wood...

Because IT'S FLOODING HERE!!!!!!!!!!!

My dog doesn't understand it. She wants to pee. Then she goes outside, looks around, and decides to hold it. Which results in me having to drag my ass out of bed at 4:00 in.the.MORNING. to take her outside to relieve herself. The incessant whining is driving me crazy, too. It's like she comes back in and immediately forgets that it's a river outside, so she has to be re-reminded. Every thirty minutes.

It's so bad outside that school was canceled after 3:30 p.m. today. This is significant because earlier in the semester, school was canceled due to snow (and ice and general crappiness, but we'll leave it at snow). This means that every thirty seconds, I'm re-reminded by our school's "oh shit" alert system that something bad is happening. This generally goes something like this:

*pop* --> New email:  "OH SHIT! The university is closing due to inclement weather. All people shall board the buses two by two.
*ring*-->Phone call: "The OH SHIT alert system has issued an inclement weather alert. Classes are canceled for the day. Please grab your paddle and prepare to kayak your way home."
*buzz*-->Text message: "OH SHIT alert system: Classes canceled. B safe. Don't drown. C-ya 2morrow."

I literally get an email, a phone call, and a text message. How's that for overkill? At least I'll know if some law student finally comes unscrewed and takes a potato launcher to his biz org class...

The Easter Horror Movie

Last year when I was a baby blogger,  I asked a question on Easter.  I asked where all the Easter horror movies were.  Every other holiday has its own special horror movie.  Christmas has Silent Night Deadly Night and it has a dozen movies like Gremlins that are set around Christmas.  Halloween has dozens of horror movies and that would be just beginning with the Halloween series.   Valentine's Day has My Bloody Valentine and Thanksgiving has Thankskilling so why is Easter so sadly neglected?

Of course one of my readers set me straight.  He commented saying Critters was an Easter horror movie.  I did my research and got the Critters box set and Critters 1 is certainly not an Easter horror movie, but Critters 2 is as much of an Easter horror movie as any movie can be.  The horrible little monsters from the first movie left lots of eggs behind which some idiot finds and sells to a local grandma who uses them as fancy Easter eggs in the church Easter egg hunt.  The Easter eggs hatch and devour a man in an Easter bunny suit.  So there it is, there is an Easter horror movie.  Happy Easter and watch out for strange eggs!

Window sleeping

My dog is currently propped on my windowsill snoring loud enough to wake the dead. It took her a very long time to learn to love her cushion (read: she tore it up the first day we left it in her kennel and I had to methodically sew it back together again), but now that she does, I'm able to make full use of my bed to pile books at my feet and prep for finals. I think I'd prefer her body making my feet fall asleep.

I'm also contemplating going to church for Easter. Here is my conundrum: having been raised in the south and brought up with traditional southern Baptist ways (to this day I will NOT get into political conversations with my father, and I still vividly recall that one day my brother said to him "what if there is NO GOD?"), I believe in going to church for this occasion. The past couple of years, though, I've primarily been attending a Catholic church with the boyfriend. However, Catholic churches don't allow members of different types of churches (aka: the heathen Baptists) to receive the Communion. I would like to eat Jesus today. I'd also like to sip on his blood. (Okay, maybe I am a heathen Baptist.) I do NOT feel like attending a morning service. The Baptists don't believe in doing Sunday evening services where you attend in blue jeans like the "heathern" Catholics (until I was 16, I thought the word had an R in it, due to the truly trashy southern way of pronouncing this word).

So should I suck it up, put on a dress (no pants in a Baptist church), and brave the rain at 11:00 this morning so I can actually receive Communion? Should I continue studying for law school finals (henceforth called LSF) and attend the Catholic service at a place I feel comfortable going, even though I am unable to take Communion? Or should I drop by the grocery store, buy myself a bottle of wine (a nod to the Catholics) and some Hawaiian bread (a nod to the Baptists--you southern Baptists know exactly what I'm talking about), and offer up a prayer from the sanctity of my apartment?

Thoughts?

(And one of these days, I will explain my break from the Baptist church, although you've probably read a little into it considering I'm borderline liberal and completely disgusted by narrow-minded people. You find narrow-minded, racist, and unrelenting Conservatives in abundance within the SBC.)

Doing anything but studying

Over the years I have come to the conclusion that my procrastination skills are quite good. Law school has done wonders at honing these life skills. Take today, for example: woke up; spoke on the phone; played on the internet; ate; napped; played on the internet; cleaned my house; watched part of a movie; spoke on the phone; played on the internet; ate. Are you sensing a theme? Now if only I could figure out a career where I play on the internet, talk on the phone, and take long naps, I'll be set! (Unfortunately, being an infant does not count as a career.)

I'm also an old lady. Demonstration:

**On the phone with my mother**
Mother: You're a shut in.
Me: Just because I can't go on vacation with you doesn't mean I'm a shut in!
Mother: You're an old lady. All you need is a cat and you can retire in peace.
Me: I am not an old lady! I lead an active and productive life!
Mother: Your thermostat is set to 72, you walk around your house wrapped in a blanket, and you nap more than any person your age should.
Me: Yeah, I totally was napping earlier when you called and I told you I was studying.
Mother: I rest my case. You are a granny.

Granted, I do participate in all the things she mentioned above. I do love naps. I may keep my house at a sub-tropical temperature. But by God, I'm not a fan of cats and I work REALLY hard during the week procrastinating so I can sleep on the weekends.

A crazy bird lady, though...that's a role I may eventually be willing to play.

Ghosts and Pregnancy

I've heard many stories about crying child ghosts and the ghosts of women looking for lost children or lost babies.   I've heard stories of  phantom fathers looking for babies and creeks that wail like a baby in the night, but I have never heard a ghost story about a pregnant ghost.  I started looking online for a story like that tonight and I found something else instead.  Although there are a few pregnant ghosts stories, there are many more stories about women who are haunted during their pregnancy.

I googled pregnant ghosts.  You can try this too.  What I found was innumerable stories told by pregnant women indicating that they had suddenly become more receptive to ghosts and the paranormal after they became pregnant.  On babycenter.com,  I found an entire conversation of members sharing their ghost stories.  One woman described seeing a ghost before she miscarried.  Another woman said she tried to block ghosts out while she was pregnant.   There was a running theme of complications associated with paranormal presences.  There were also very benevolent stories.  One woman described waking up to see the ghost of her father standing over her. She had been having a difficult pregnancy and her father told her everything was going to be OK.

There are similar conversations on many paranormal websites as well.  On unexplained mysteries, a pregnant woman asked if other women had paranormal experiences during pregnancy.  She described her own experiences fearfully.  One interesting response was by a commenter said that as a woman's overall senses are heightened during pregnancy it would make sense that they would also be more sensitive the paranormal.  The stories of women haunted during pregnancy are numerous and I tend to think that perhaps it is do to a woman's heightened senses during pregnancy.  There are things you just don't notice when you aren't pregnant that you suddenly become aware of when you are pregnant.    I am, as always, open to other opinions on the matter.  Although, there are many posts by pregnant women who have been haunted,  I haven't heard much in the way of interpretation of these phenomena so I would love to hear what readers think about the matter.