Let's talk about the southern stereotype

I grew up in the south. The deep south. As in, there is no question that I'm living well below the Mason Dixon line. My dad subscribes to the Obama birther theory, and my family is funded by "Big Red" (aka: my dad works for a very well-known oil company). I originally hail from a town that stages a battle reenactment each year. I competed in beauty pageants, some of which required me to dress as a Southern belle.

No I was not a debutante. I earned my crowns with poise, talent,
and by prancing around on stage in a swimsuit,
not familial connections, thankyouverymuch.

Growing up, I took up for the underdog. I defended the "geeks," was ostracized by the cool kids, and used to go home crying due to wearing my heart on my sleeve (until my mom told me to tell them I would punch them in the face if they messed with me again. When I asked what if they kept on, she told me to go ahead and actually punch them in the face and that she would deal with the consequences).

And although I'm southern through and through, I'm also a registered Democrat, extremely pro-choice and pro-gay-everything, and am not particularly religious. I also try to keep my mouth shut, because God knows I don't appreciate it when people begin to espouse on their religious/political principles. It has taken me years to cull down my Facebook friends so I don't have to view Glen Beck nonsense. But sometimes they sneak through, and I cringe. Sometimes I just have to open my mouth and speak out against this ignorance.

Just to be clear: I'm speaking of the people that give all southerners a bad name. Do I own a gun? Yes. Would I shoot someone to defend myself? Hell yes. At the same time, I'm also capable of higher-level thinking. Just because I own a gun and believe I should be allowed to own a gun doesn't mean that the privilege of owning one suddenly becomes absolute. I fail to see how a background check will make it impossible to obtain a gun. It will hopefully just make it a little bit harder for criminals to obtain their guns, although (yes) they may end up with one anyways. But by no means does it prevent law-abiding citizens from getting their little grubby hands on a Ruger.

Another favorite I encounter quite a lot: anyone who thinks their state can opt out of federal legislation using the tenth amendment. Or, as I like to call them....idiots who are aware there is a Constitution, but who have not actually read it. Even better? Idiots who have read the Constitution but fail to acknowledge that there is a Supreme Court who expounds upon fundamental rights and other pesky interpretive viewpoints of this living body of law. Or that thinks the Supreme Court should just be done away with. These people exist. I swear.

And when there are attacks against the United States, these people come out in droves. Let me correct myself. When there are attacks against the United States by someone who doesn't look like them, they come out in droves. When there was the Aurora shooting, yes, they were sympathetic, but I mostly heard stuff like "If they had a concealed carry, they could have defended themselves, rabble rabble rabble." (You know, because I can TOTALLY see through smoke bombs to target the one person dressed all in black in a dark movie theatre to pick off.) In the wake of the Boston Marathon Massacre, I've heard everything from "he shouldn't have any rights" to "he should be classified as an enemy combatant" (never mind that we are NOT at war with his country and that he wasn't perpetuating an act of war on behalf of his country). I've also heard a lot of Islamaphobic rants about Muslims.

Let me be clear: this is not all southerners. However, these are the ones that appear on FoxNews talking about picking up their pitchforks and tar and feathers. These are the ones who drive around with a rebel flag painted on the back of their pickup trucks. These are the ones who CLING to their Second Amendment rights, but think it's perfectly okay to deny other United States citizens their due process rights just on the basis of their religion or skin color (for your personal knowledge, those are the rights guaranteed to you by the 14th and 5th Amendments). And it drives me nuts.

I'm tired of reading about my home state crafting a bill to allow gay people to be fired just for being gay. I'm tired of reading about the most recent state I lived in disallowing abortions past the time of basically 2 months, using faulty science and completely disregarding the fact that it is unconstitutional to do so. I'm tired of the endless rants on rights, but the hypocrisy demonstrated in lifting these rights from someone who isn't like you (e.g..: white, "middle classed", men, etc.).

Southerners, you need to do better. And for those of you who are southerners who don't ascribe to these qualities, you need to speak up. Educate others. I'm not saying pissing contests are desirable, but no one will ever alter their behavior if you refuse to speak up when someone uses the N word in your presence. Or if you won't address them when they start speaking about Islam while knowing nothing about it. Maybe it won't help, but maybe someone will learn something. And if nothing else, at least you can sleep at night.

But what the hell do I know? I'm just a Southerner. 

Job Market...an update and some admissions

Let's be real. I'm not an eternal optimist per se, but I DO believe in doors opening and opportunities presenting themselves and all that Pollyanna bullshit. I believe in positive thinking, and I'm dogged in my approach in that if I'm kicked, I return for more. It's very difficult for me to accept defeat, although I'm very much so used to it and am not normally used to having things handed to me on a highly-polished silver platter.

There has been a marked shift in my thinking since I've graduated from law school and passed the bar. I attribute this to the fact that I've been facing the realities of the legal job market for nearly a year, and still feel as if no new job opportunities are on my horizon. Although I don't think I have to explain jack-shit about my résumé, for the sake of allowing you some insight to my situation: I was solidly in the middle of my graduating class. My family are NOT lawyers, and I attended law school in a state other than I grew up in. I also took and passed the bar in that same state. I completed two separate internships with highly respected judges, one of which was for our state's Supreme Court. I participated in three separate legal clinics, was on two traveling teams, donated over 300 hours of pro bono time to the indigent while in law school, and took a wide variety of classes. I liked the rigors of law school, particularly the types of rigors associated with the practice of law.

So yeah, while my grades were mediocre, I've got plenty on my résumé and feel confident in my achievements. Which is why my continued state of unemployment is such a bitter pill to swallow. (Plus the fact that there are people who weren't even in the middle of the class who are employed and have been since graduation.)

So let me hit you with some truth, if you haven't realized it yet: the legal job market SUCKS. I recently interviewed for a job for a legal secretary position in which 25 applications were received and THREE of them were from current lawyers. This was for a $26,000 position, mind you, out in the middle of Bumfuck Egypt. I'll let that sink in for a moment. 

And when I read blog posts from people still in law school telling people who've already taken the bar and are seeking employment that they should talk to their career services department at their school, I just want to laugh. Hysterically. While slightly weeping. While I never endeavored to tell people how they should be searching for jobs when I didn't know of them or their situation, I used to be as positive (I'll refrain from calling it naive or blind). But the reality is that career services can't create jobs. And if your department is telling you of that job, it means at least twenty of your colleagues are also going to competing against you for that position. 

I've also had someone ask me what was wrong with my applications when I told her I was still looking for a job. She's lucky to still be breathing, as I would have rather snapped her neck than listen to her speak another syllable. People don't get it. Even people within the profession or who are actively involved in those who are in the profession. 

And even when I have an interview and do reaallly well and feel realllly good about it, they normally never call me back. It's like dating from hell. I send each of my cover letters and résumés out with a little prayer (or whatever one calls it). I'm still hopeful, but cautiously so. Because this much rejection hurts. Although not nearly as bad as the ignorance that abounds regarding what I'm doing wrong with respect to my job hunting. 

Bar Exam Neurosis

Let's be clear: I don't use my blawg to create a persona. I am true to myself, and am perfectly fine being super ridiculous and nerdy and cheesy. 

So I'm gonna drop some truth on you right now: when it comes to test-taking, I am a NEUROTIC BITCH. Not like, oh, kinda crazy and don't bathe when it comes time to take the test. Like, have to regurgitate said test back in my hotel room so I can purge it from my mind forever. 

Yeah, you heard that right. I rewrite all the questions I can remember from the exam. Because I'm fucking crazy. (Although I would rather be crazy than think it's acceptable NOT TO BATHE WHEN I'M GOING TO BE IN PUBLIC.)

Proof is in the (cray) pudding. And my neurosis is especially evident in the fact that no,
you can't read my writing because I resized the photo to prevent such things from happening. 

Today, I managed to remember 94 questions from each session. No, I will not give them to you. No, I do not plan on disseminating them to anyone. I will probably burn them after this fucking bar exam, because really, they serve no purpose to me. They're just the byproduct of mental cleansing. 

And yet, I feel no less crazy now than when I started. 

(Don't judge me.)

(My mother does that enough for the both of us)

Adventures in Bar Exam Land

I feel that I've reached an impasse at this point of my bar studying. If you'll recall, I made the decision to study without enlisting the (ridiculously expensive) aid of Barbri, although I was given a full set of Texas Barbri books with which to study by a Twitter friend.

From this point, I proceeded to study throughout December to give myself something to do and so I wouldn't feel rushed about my studies in the new year....which, if you've ever studied for a bar exam, know that's LAUGHABLE. So ha ha ha to me.

As of now, I've finished retyping 8 out of 20 handouts; the subjects I've already tackled are Agency/Partnership, Bankruptcy, Texas Civ Pro, Commercial Paper, Community Property, Consumer Law, Federal Income Tax, and Oil & Gas. This leaves me with a shitton more to finish, and the slightly panicky feeling no one likes to have but most associate with impending bar examinations.

It's at this juncture that I need to seriously ask myself how much I'm learning by retyping. I think I've learned quite a lot, and I'm going to have to go through everything again and fill in the blanks, which isn't that big of a deal and which will definitely help to jog my memory. It's also helpful to retype because it ensures I've seen it at least once. However, I know I'm a charts person, and I passed my last bar examination largely in part due to my incessant charting. On the other hand, I also had lecturers last time, which assisted me in tackling what I'm now attempting to retype because I was guaranteed to HEAR everything at least once.

Today is the day I lay out the next eight weeks of my life in a calendar to keep myself accountable and so I can minimize my feelings of extreme malaise and discomfiture. So, I guess my ultimate decision is how I want to approach the bar exam from this point forward. Do I want to finish typing ALL of the handouts? (I have 700 pages left.) Do I want to try to read them and see how much I retain? Which subjects do I want to chart?

Regardless, I went ahead and made myself a breakdown of the Texas bar examination, including what all is on the essay, the percentage each portion is worth (in lovely pie chart form), and what to expect on each section. After I finish my calendar (likely tomorrow), I will post that . And I'm thinking of documenting either in daily form or weekly form what I've been doing by myself to get prepared for the barf exam. :)

What do Y'ALL think?

Fundamentals of the Patent Bar Exam

Since I've been girding my loins in anticipation of (finally) registering for the Patent Bar Exam, I've spent a lot of time on the US Patent site. Unfortunately, the instructions are not necessarily all that clear, and the process is definitely more than a little daunting. The next few days, I'm going to be writing a series of articles discussing (1)what the patent bar is; (2) whether you are eligible to sit for the exam; (3) the process by which you go about applying for said exam; and (4) how I plan to study for the exam.

Today, as indicated by this particular blog's name, I'm going to discuss the fundamentals of the Patent Bar Exam (PBE). The PBE is a 100-question standardized test administered across the United States in two ways: first, you can sit for it in a "commercially administered" environment. This simply means that you go to any one testing center in your state and take it at your leisure (within the six hour time constraint and within 90 days of being allowed to sit for the exam, of course). Second, you can request that the United States Patent and Trademark Office (the USPTO) administer your exam. If I'm not mistaken, there is a difference of prices between the two, the first option is computerized while the second is paper, and the USPTO administered exam does not allow you to pick the day on which it is administered or where it is taken. It is only administered in one place: at the United States Patent and Trademark Office in Alexandria, Virginia. I'm picking the first option, as I've already missed the 2012 exam time-frame and do not wish to wait until next summer before I take it, and I also prefer knowing instantly whether I passed or failed the exam (the waiting time is eliminated if you take it electronically).

Speaking of passing or failing the exam: I've heard that the failure rate is really high. While I'm not sure of the actual numbers from this year since they vary so widely, I am assuming that it includes all people taking the exam. Not only lawyers are allowed to take this exam (I will be discussing that particular topic in my next entry)--rather, anyone that meets prerequisites can take the exam, and then the distinction of patent agent v. patent attorney comes into play. If you take and pass the exam while you are a non-lawyer, then receive your license to practice law, you can apply to be formally recognized as a patent attorney. However, in order to pass, you must score 70% or higher. Although I mentioned previously that this exam is 100 questions, only 90 questions are actually scored. This means you have to get 63/90 questions right to pass.

The day of the exam, the test is split into two sections. In the morning, you have 3 hours to answer 50 questions. You repeat this process in the afternoon. You'll be provided with a computerized copy of the MPEP and will be expected to utilize your time wisely. At lot of resources are available for people who want to take the test. You can find old examinations and answers here. You can also find a lot of info from previous test-takers here, including test questions asked recently and people discussing nuances of the law. I'll be using these sites the next couple of months as I prepare to take my exam.

Thanks for reading my first entry regarding the PBE. I hope I've broken down things in a cohesive manner, but if you need to fill in any gaps, please visit the USPTO. Be sure to tune in soon for my next blog entry regarding whether or not you're eligible to sit for this exam. If you have any specific questions, feel free to ask me and I'll try to answer them.

Random thoughts on a Wednesday

1) I need this dress. Like, WHY THE HECK IS THIS DRESS NOT IN MY CLOSET? If anyone wants to buy it for me and pay for the (almost assuredly) ridiculous dry cleaning bill to try to maintain ALL THE PLEATS, I shall divulge my size to you.

(No...but really....)

2) Interviewed for a job a couple of days ago. It wasn't so bad, except I had to go in at 6:45 IN THE EVENING and due to the length of the interview, my mother thought I had been abducted by a band of thieves that wanted to sell me into sexual slavery. As a result of this interview, I've been revamping my appellate brief I wrote back in 2L year (which means I've been working strictly on the standard of review, which is really difficult for questions of mixed fact and law...) to send in as a writing sample.

(I'm pretty sure the answer for my particular problem is de novo with deference, in case you were wondering.)

3) The previously-mentioned job interview made me realize how little I know about tax implications. So I spoke to my awesome friend (whose blog is located here) who is receiving her LLM in tax, and also went to speak to my friendly neighborhood CPA. If anyone here is wondering if they should speak to people who know things about taxes.....the answer is yes. You should. Because those people rock. (Also, if you're thinking of going solo, wouldn't it be nice for you to know things about taxes/deductions/best method of incorporation before you jump into something feet first?)

4) I'm working on filling out the last bit of information for my patent bar. This was difficult mostly due to the fact that I have to locate EVERY ticket I've ever been given that was more than $100. Which is every ticket I've ever been given. (I'm lucky I'm young. They apparently don't have a date to stop at, although I'm sure 90 year olds didn't pay more than $100 for tickets until more recently....)

5) I'm also working on completing the last bit of my paperwork for the Texas Bar. Because I'm a masochist. Only thing left (if I'm not mistaken) is getting my fingerprints. Which leads me to think that I am going to make a checklist for future Texas bar examinees. For how much you have to pay the great state of Texas for the "privilege" of taking their test, you'd think they could maintain a more user-friendly, organized website. Of course, I'm not surprised.

More advice for 0L and 1Ls....

I was recently asked by a friend who is applying for law school this next year a multitude of questions about applying for law school, as well as what law school is actually like once you get there. I decided I might as well write a simple (less sarcastic than normal) piece on what I wish I had known when I entered law school and things that people will never tell you or might tell you and you will write off (like I probably did). Hell, I might even save you some money too. I'm sure you'll also read some stuff that you've already heard. Take heed, 0Ls....

1) Take the LSAT any time other than June/October. Preferably the winter A YEAR AND A HALF before you hope to enter law school. The LSAT is scaled, you see, so your scores are directly compared to those students taking it at the same time as you. "Good" law school prospects who do things by the book (and are typically well-prepared and smart) like to take it in June and October, because it's according to the proper timeline. Slackers like to take it in December (and February), so you're scaled against people who might not do as well, because of lack of preparation. Of course, this means you need to be ultra-crazy-ridiculously ahead, but there you have it...

2) Do not buy all your books before you get to school. I have a few books I never opened, because the professors depended on their own powerpoints and absolutely nothing out of the book other than cases (which can be looked up and printed on your own time). Instead, ask some upperclassmen (who are preferably of a prudent nature) which teachers require stringent reading and which are more lax and less likely to use the book.

3) DO NOT buy case briefs. If you have Lexis and Westlaw at your fingertips that will do it for you for free, why the HELL would you consider buying a "guide" that briefs the cases for you? Instead, buy some study aids that explain the subject themselves, because the rules are going to be tested, not the particular cases you studied. I loved Emanuel's Crunchtime for the criminal classes, and In a Nutshell for the more outline-friendly classes (like Con Law and any procedural class). Also as helpful: outlines from students who did well in the class before you, and the professor's own testbanks, which may be provided depending upon which school you attend.

4) 90% of the time, law school is only as hard as you make it. I'm the ridiculous one who liked to participate in the competitions and clinics. This means it was more difficult for me. If you are on law review or aiming for being the top person in your class, law school will probably be more difficult for you. However, law school is only TRULY hard around deadline days. This means deadlines for papers/required oral arguments and for finals. I know some people who never read a friggin case, and they passed. It most certainly was not with flying colors, but the point is that they never broke a sweat and somehow still managed to walk across that stage with the rest of us who had minor breakdowns throughout law school.

5) If you are going to choose a semester to kick some ass and take some names, it had better be your first semester in law school. Plenty of people (ahem: my career services lady in particular) told us the first week that grades are only one thing prospective employers look at when making hiring decisions. Except for your first summer job, when people are making their hiring decisions, it's typically in March. You know...before you get your second semester's worth of grades. And before you can really become active within your school. Or really do anything. So YES, THE FIRST HIRING DECISIONS ARE ALMOST SOLELY BASED UPON YOUR FRIGGIN PERFORMANCE YOUR FIRST SEMESTER. (And who you know. Unfortunately, I know no one.)

I'm keeping it short and sweet, or as short and sweet as I can make it, although if you have any questions, shoot me an email, g-chat me, or just pose it in the comments section of this blog.

Good luck.

Job Search, Part 1 (Or: How the Job Search is Disgustingly Like Internet Dating)

One of my friends and I were conversing about the sad state of job hiring within the legal profession right now. This has prompted me to create a series about this all-too-familiar topic, which reminds me of internet dating. Part 1? From the employer's perspective. 

(Must be nice.)

Bar tips: the MBE notebook

Barbri is fantastic, but I also need to work on personal organization and educating myself outside of the scope of Barbri. Which is why  I'm creating a new line of posts in which I seek organizational tips from fellow Bar students/lawyers, as well as give a rundown of my organizational process, so to speak.

Topic of the day: creating a Bar MBE notebook.

I actually plan on having two notebooks: one for MBE and one for essay. But since this is the world of MBE, I'll stick to that one (for now). For those of you who aren't taking the Bar this summer but will in the future, I'm not sure how much you know about this exam. I knew of the subject matter, but no one differentiated (to me, at least) which was on the MBE and which was on the essay portion before this summer. Which leads me to my notebook breakdown, subject by subject (and a couple of other relevant tabs):

1) MBE Practice Tips 

2) Constitutional Law

3) Contracts

4) Criminal Law/Procedure

5) Evidence

6) Real Property

7) Torts

8) Practice Exams/Answers

There are six subjects on the Multistate Bar Exam--actually seven, if you consider how Criminal Law and Criminal Procedure are TOTALLY different cups of tea, but whatever. Lawyers don't go to law school to learn how to count (although Criminal Sentencing Guidelines are apparently exempt from this statement). 

Disclaimer: this binder is going to be REALLY big. I've actually got to go buy a binder that I find adequately intimidating enough to handle all my Bar nonsense. I'm also investing in the good tabs: the ones with front pockets, in case I actually sit down and define all the words I need to flip through on a daily basis. Or in case I'm a dumbass and forget to hole-punch necessary items the first go around, and need somewhere to stick those notes so I don't lose them. 

At any rate, these tabs will handle the following information, although I'm not sure if I want to get some of those smaller Post-it tabs (the good ones) to ultra-compartmentalize it:

1) Outline of the subject--this will be the precise outline (2 pages or less)

2) Relevant definitions

3) Chart/Template I'm modifying, based on this amazing site's example

4) My kitchen sink outline

5) Quizzes I've taken on this subject

6) Supplemental material from the web

As you can see, this can get overwhelming quickly. On the other hand, I feel extremely motivated when I can see my progress right in front of my eyes, which is why this will probably be the best approach for me. I understand not everyone learns the same way, which is why it's important to realize your strengths and weaknesses, and then plan accordingly. 

Have I overlooked anything? Do you have any tips for me that have been helpful to you? 

Barbri, Day 2

Barbri Day #2 is over, although I do have some "homework" I apparently need to go over. Today was a lot worse than yesterday, namely because it went over Real Property and Contracts, and I very much so suck at both of those subjects....particularly Contracts.

Guy teaching the courses (same guy for both, both on a video) was funny. He reminded me of Louis Black. Without the cussing. Which may have made Contracts a whole lot more fun and memorable, but alas, I'll never know.

However, there are a whole lot of points I think I should make regarding today:

1) There were dramatically fewer people in my class today than yesterday, namely because they figured they could see the same videos from home. I cannot do that because (a) I have the attention span of a gna---oh, wow, look at that shiny object! and (b) I will never get around to watching all the video or take the video seriously when I could be doing a multitude of other, more worthy things (like sleeping, or eating, or sleep-eating).

2) Real Property sucks just as much now as it did 1L year, but Real Estate Transactions played a MUCH larger role in this section than anyone else let on it would. Ergo, I'm thankful I took the latter course, even though I shudder every time I hear the word mortgage.

3) Our class should really devise a system of shutting our books and letting the daily administrator know  when we are finished with our preview test, so we don't spend an extra 15 minutes Facebooking inside a classroom instead of getting out early and Facebooking from the privacy of our own homes.

4) I've GOT to start packing a lunch, because one of these days, I'm not going to be so lucky about snagging a parking spot when I leave and come back to school.

5) Okay, people. We get it. The dude just repeated himself four fucking times. I see how you might think that's funny. Personally, I think you should probably just write it down over and over again, so you might remember it for the Bar. Because, you know, if he's saying it seventeen times, IT MIGHT BE IMPORTANT.

In addition to these notes, I think it's fair to say that this course is pretty damn good. I'm learning a lot, and even though I emerge each day with a headache, I figure I'm getting my money's worth. I've also taken up bicycling again (8.5 miles today) to deal with the stress of studying, and also so I can look decent in a majorly fucking hot swimsuit I plan on wearing at the end of the summer.

Is anyone else taking Barbri? What do y'all think of it so far?

Wooo pig sue me

I've created a picture which I think adequately sums up my feelings about Bobby P. and the things he's done, but in case it doesn't make it clear, here are a few thoughts I've had surrounding this incident:

1) 20 THOUSAND DOLLARS? Fucking seriously?

2) Bobby Petrino (who almost certainly has a wrinkled ass)???? DOUBLE FUCKING SERIOUSLY????

3) People whining about Bobby Petrino need to consider the enormous legal problems he may have created for our university.

4) Football programs do not grow because of one person. It is a collaborative effort, and Bobby was not God of Football (see: Battle of the Boot, 2011).

5) DAMMIT, BOBBY!

Aspirin between the knees....

I've previously discussed my beliefs in my other blawgs, and have drawn a pretty hard line in the sand regarding some of them. I'm a moderate who believes in the shades of grey a great deal more than a distinct black or white. That being said, I try really hard to see both sides of an issue. Case in point: the recent war regarding birth control. I got angry at the Democrats for offering only one person to speak at the religious debacle debate in front of Congress a few weeks ago. I thought one person was ridiculous, although I understand that Republicans can be assholes and may have only allowed them one person to speak--but wouldn't it have been the smart decision to bring back-ups just in case???

At any rate, the testimony they offered (which was subsequently declined by the assholes previously mentioned) was that of Sandra Fluke. She had a lot of stuff to say. None of that testimony talked about how much she loved sex (although most people do--it's kinda fun, amIright?). In fact, she declined to talk about her experiences with contraceptives. She instead focused on the stories of women who were unable to afford their contraceptives and suffered terrible consequences as a result. Stories of a woman whose polycystic ovarian syndrome got so bad (due to lack of hormonal treatment) that she grew a tennis-ball-sized cyst on her ovary and had to have the entire ovary removed. Stories of a woman who was married and couldn't afford her birth control. Stories of women who were struggling with hormonal issues and unable to secure the treatment they needed due to the fact that their medicine is also considered birth control. STORIES OF MILLIONS OF WOMEN THROUGHOUT THIS NATION.

Enter Rush Limbaugh. 

I can go ahead and tell you that I'm not the biggest Rush fan. I find him hypocritical, obnoxious, and pretty stupid. He didn't disappoint this time either. Not only did he call Ms. Fluke a slut, among other things, he also told her she prostituted herself since the government was essentially paying her to have sex. He then told her the least she could do was post videos online of herself having sex, since she had been paid to do this.

Now, I'm all for first amendment rights. That being said, I fail to see how ANYONE could defend these stupid, ridiculous, fantastical comparisons, particularly women. Enter Angela Moribito. A self-proclaimed right-winger and "100 pounds of fury," Angela not only agreed with Rush Limbaugh (something she later claimed not to have done), but she also let-er-rip with this lovely little pearl of wisdom: that Sandra Fluke will always be remembered as "a Welfare Condom Queen [sic]." Apparently, Angela thinks Ms. Fluke has chained herself to the "sinking ship of Pelosi Liberalism," while seemingly--and most ironically--not realizing she herself was chaining herself to the Titanic that was inevitably Rush Limbaugh. 

I get it--some people equate condoms/birth control with slutiness. What I fail to understand is how they've equated THIS TESTIMONY with slutiness. One thing I know for certain: the world would be a much better place with a little more sluttiness and a whole lot less judgmental assholes throwing gender-bombs at people. 

Ta-ta for now. It's time to go take my birth control. 

The moment of "truth".....

True story: my first semester in law school, I made some friends, read for classes, but didn't do any form of group study or extreme outlining. I did study a lot before final exams, and I felt like I knew the materials. However, I have a background in science and lacked the 4+ years of persuasive writing training many of my colleagues received in undergrad. Needless to say, I got through finals feeling like I probably did average on my exams. The average at my university is a B- (whereas almost every other damn law school in the country grades on a B), so the average is a 2.67. Imagine my shock, frustration, and general agony when I got my grades back and realized I had a 2.4 GPA. 

LET ME REPEAT THAT: A 2.4 GPA.  

I know plenty of people that don't give a fuck about their GPAs. In the A-personality, ultra-competitive realm of law school, this matters. And it mattered a whole hell of a lot to me. 


Cut to now: I've finally managed to break the 3.0 GPA, and although I may not* graduate with honors (although maybe the baby Lord Jesus could grant me a miracle and do something to ensure all A's next semester---I SAID IT WAS A MIRACLE, NOT A DISTINCT POSSIBILITY, PEOPLE!), I'm back on track and managed to land a really good job my 2L summer. This brings me to my subject today...

There are a lot of blawgs regarding what the hell you are supposed to do when you receive your grades back for the semester and they aren't nearly as good as you expected. If you are #1 in the class, give yourself a hand, because you're the only one that's going to be clapping. Coming from someone who has lived through it, though, I'd like to offer some words of comfort, things you aren't supposed to do, and things that actually helped me when I got my shitastic grades back the first week of my second semester.

#1

First, here comes the shitty reality: you are probably going to have to lower your aspirations regarding a summer job, particularly when it comes to interviews conducted at your school for summer positions. This doesn't mean you can't get a job at all, but these jobs almost always have a certain GPA or class rank requirement. It does, however, mean you are going to need a lot of positive things to put on your resume that overcomes the shitty GPA. Which leads me to my second point....

#2

Join some clubs; take an active interest in the extracurricular aspect of law school (and no, I don't mean participating in Keg Wars, an actual event at my university); do some volunteering; participate in competitions; DO ANYTHING THAT WOULD REFLECT POSITIVELY UPON YOUR RESUME. You may not have the highest grades in law school, but if you are below the fifty percentile, then you damn well better be able to show the interviewer you were doing something other than squandering your student loan money and developing some form of substance abuse dependency during your tenure at law school. Yes, you will have to actually participate in these clubs. Think of it as building your diplomacy skills....and take comfort in the fact that your classmates are, in fact, idiots.

#3

Next, you seriously need to assess yourself and figure out why the hell you just bombed your finals. Take time the first week of classes (or whenever you get your grades back) to email your professors and set up a one-on-one meeting with him/her (this means ALL of your professors, even in the classes you did okay in) to discuss what you need to do differently, what you did well, and why you scored how you scored. I had one professor actually break down how he used to test (and let me tell you, he's a smart mf) during his law school grades and how he prepared. This helped me immeasurably and directly influenced how I did the next semester.

#4

Buy the right study guides. Not all study aids are made for all people...or subjects. DO NOT EVER buy the case briefs. They don't actually teach you the subjects, and they encourage you not to read. Plus you can get that shit for free online. I've found a method that generally helps me.

If the class runs like a history test or mainly involves a rule, get the "Nutshell" for it. It helps for classes that you are going to need an outline in. Classes like Constitutional Law and Real Estate Transactions and Decedent's Estates. The nutshell actually gives you the history, the definitions you are going to need, the situations when things apply, and puts it in an easily outlineable form. I CANNOT recommend the Nutshell series more highly for outlineable exams.

For exams that have a lot of exceptions and are more "flow chartable," you need to get the Emanuel Crunchtime. This is for classes like Evidence and Criminal Procedure and Civil Procedure. Emanuel is pretty much, well, my Emmanuel.

#5

In 2L year, consider classes that are not going to fuck you over. This is not to say to take all easy classes. You are going to have to take the Bar and should definitely take a large number of courses that will be on your bar....you will NOT like having to learn them all in 6 weeks. However, this doesn't mean you shouldn't choose classes that play to your strengths, and consider professors who may share your beliefs and writing styles. So many times, the exam is not based upon how much you know (almost everyone knows the damn material), it is based upon how well you are able to appeal to the person grading it.

Aside from these tidbits of information, I can also tell you that you are not out of luck or out of hope. Plenty of people  get lax their second semester and let their grades slip. Plenty of others are incapable of working with others and cannot secure a job regardless of their 3.75 GPA. Even more still cannot interview. What I am saying is that it is never too late. 


Besides, unless a position specifically requests your GPA or class ranking, there is no need to put it on your resume. 

Back that ass up

2011 was a good year. 2012 is going to be even better. 

Because I said so, dammit. 

I've been spending a lot of time doing nothing the past couple of weeks. And when I say nothing, I mean not even feeding myself (although I have, admittedly, been showering). With the new year comes new responsibilities, however, and there are some big changes I am looking forward to in 2012. In 2012, I graduate from law school. I will hopefully pass the Bar. I will also hopefully land a job. That is a shit ton of hoping, children.

With a new job presumably comes a move. I'm not sure where I am moving. I am not sure if I will even be hired. Which means I'm designating 2012 as:

THE YEAR OF THE BACKUP....

A backup plan if things don't work out how they should. A backup plan to ensure my continued sanity. A backup plan that somehow doesn't involve my parents paying for my bills and gas.

Because we all know that stripping is a totally legitimate backup plan, right?

Right??????

The zombie apocalypse...law school finals style

I got into a lively discussion with some of my twitter friends the other day about the impending zombie apocalypse and whether a crossbow would serve as an adequate weapon. Then I realized something today.....I've already been preparing for it!!! So far, I've compared law school finals to the Rocky series (aka: getting my ass whooped and coming back for more), being on serious and dangerous medication (the adverse side effects are already manifesting themselves, y'all) and now, I've got another basis of comparison:

There's no doubt about it: preparing for law school finals is like readying yourself for the pending zombie apocalypse, only you can't kill the people around you that are trying to suck your soul from your body and render you a member of the undead....unfortunately. So, like all good law students, I'm sure you want to be ready, and I've prepared a list to ensure that you remain one of the living. Ready yourself....

1) Devise a plan: you know yourself. You know your capabilities. Don't plan for being able to do shit that is obviously beyond your capabilities. If you are slow, prepare your car should you need to get the fuck out of Dodge. If you are stupid, simplify your outline.

2) Stockpile a food arsenal. A week before final exams (which coincides nicely with Thanksgiving in the fall semester, just so you know), prepare about three freezable meals. Put those bitches in single serving tins (makes about 12-15 meals) and freeze them. Or just go to the grocery store and buy 15 boxes of Hot Pockets, 5 frozen pizzas, and ten gallons of Red Bull.

3) Buy dry shampoo: No matter if you are killing zombies or slaying finals, you are going to want to appear clean....even if you aren't. I recommend at least three cans of dry shampoo, a light body mist (NOTICE I SAID LIGHT), breath mints, and a prescription strength deodorant. Even if you are dead doesn't mean you have to smell like you are.

4) Important documents: even the CDC has recognized the possibility of a ZA. They recommend getting all your important documents together, and I couldn't agree more. This means you need a copy of your school id, the outlines you can actually bring in to tests, your study aids, and blue books, should you be a handwriter.

5) Medications: if you are on ANY prescription drugs (e.g. birth control, adderall, narcotics, or Viagra) be sure to have these prescriptions filled before the end of the semester craziness ensues. Trust me, you don't want to need your Viagra and not have it.

6) Preventative supplies: your immune system is down; you are surrounded by sick people; you are probably going to get sick. Buy zinc, the only thing proven to shorten a common cold, AND USE IT. Get some Advil (which you can take with alcohol--you can't drink with Tylenol, btw) for the head/backaches you're likely going to encounter. For that matter, buy some booze too. You know what they say....an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.

7) Earplugs: you surprisingly don't see this on many lists. I say surprisingly because you are obviously going to need to muffle sounds--the sounds of fellow students or the sounds of gunfire as you're plowing down zombies. Duh.

8)   Adequate weaponry: this can be combined with your important documents, but there's so much more that can go with your weaponry. May I suggest your killing theme song (my personal choice being "Bohemian Rhapsody"), your highlighters, outlines you've managed to procure from people indubitably smarter than you, and dollars for snack machines?

9) Your "wolfpack": I'm with Zack Galifianakis on this one. You need your wolfpack--this doesn't mean you have to study with them, but it's always nice to have someone to accompany you as you drink yourself into oblivion. Also, they may be able to provide you with outlines, and they'll have your back (hopefully--I've got doubts about fellow law students, to tell the truth) should a zombie sneak up on you.

10) Avoid large groups of people: you can never be sure which of these people is waiting to morph into a zombie. And by zombie, I mean the asshole who starts bemoaning the upcoming exam, or mindfucking you into believing the exam you just took may have anally had you. It's also harder to study with large groups of people, and you tend to go out and drink as a reward for a half hour of "studying."

Do you have any tips for surviving the upcoming apocalypse?

Obviously, I was bullied....

Today in my Juvenile Justice class, a girl gave a presentation regarding cyberbullying. Now, I'm no angel, but when I was a kid, I knew right from wrong. I also defend juveniles, so I'm not inherently against them nor do I judge them for their alleged "transgressions." In fact, most the time I think the prosecutor overreaches for their charges and the police use their authority to intimidate kids into confessions.

Another note: I'm a decently jaded person. That being said, today, I was pretty demoralized about the general lack of compassion or character my classmates have regarding the subject of bullying.

People were quick to classify it as "horseplay." Or as "just telling the truth." Or as "kids being kids."

They also said that we had all done it.

I'm sorry, but some of us had parents who would have whooped their asses if they tormented other kids. And some kids just have a fucking heart without the fear of potential ass-whoopings.

Maybe when you bully someone, it makes you feel good. I know when I hurt someone's feelings, it generally makes me feel like a piece of shit.

Let's not make excuses for what has now been classified as criminal behavior. Address the problem.

Because they know it's wrong.

And so do you.

Case theories (aka: don't go chasing waterfalls)

I've read on a very good blawg (I forget the link, but I'll find it and post it eventually) that lawyers should write down phrases, words, and themes that they can use for future cases. Apparently, that stroke of genius may never hit you again, and you never know when you're going to need a good theme. I've decided to put a couple of the obvious standards down, but I'd love some help adding to the list. ;)

1) Bitch set me up. (Alternatively called the "Marion Barry") This is a great theme, and a succinct one at that. Rather than perpetuating the same old SODDI defense time after time, how about we surprise the court and the jurors by taking something out of a shitty Nicolas Cage movie? I advise telling your client that this is the exact theme of your case, as he may jump up sometime during court and shout this (or, even better, scream it at FBI agents of his own accord).

2) He had it coming. Really, who couldn't use a little bit more of the Cellblock Tango in their life? This is a good one to keep in mind during voir dire, because, honestly, who hasn't wanted to blow their husband's head off for his little idiosyncrasies that he purposefully perpetuates? (In this case, I'd probably have the client sing the ditty on the stand, then submit her crazy defense.) Which brings me to:

3) He's coo-coo for CoCoa puffs.... The old crazy standard always has to be on your list. And ever so often, they might actually be crazy. For the record, though, being out-of-your-mind drunk DOES NOT count as a defense. You may argue it, but I don't suggest it.

AND A FEW OF MY OWN:

4) Life is a box of chocolates (At least, that's what my mama always told me)--this is helpful during civil cases where someone is arguing (somewhat ridiculously) that something didn't turn out "fair." As an old and wise professor once quoted to our class (his previous and presumably dead and wise professor): "FAIR? You know what fair is here in {insert location}? It comes around twice a year." (And might I recommend some cotton candy....or chocolates?)

5) With great power comes great responsibility (especially when you're highly attractive and your apartment smells of rich mahogany)-- great for indicting doctors, fellow lawyers, congressman, particularly attractive people, and bodyguards at your town's local bar.

Any case themes I should add to my repertoire?

How to lose your trial competition

This year, I was lucky enough to make it into my school's "Sweet 16" for trial competition. However, I've heard (and had) my share of horror stories regarding one of the most stressful competitions in law school land, and figured I could share a few tips on how to lose with FLAIR!

1) Fail to prepare your witnesses--in TC, you are expected to find witnesses (aka: people dumb enough to volunteer for you at least two nights while reciting facts they have to memorize about their "character"). Oftentimes, this means finding someone NOT in law school (read: someone who HAS to volunteer for you, generally a significant other, family member, or someone starving to death) who actually has the time and brain cells to do just that. Unfortunately, this means they have no idea what hearsay is. Or the proper protocol of courtroom proceedings. Or anything else associated with WINNING. Take, for example, my epic crash and burn last year:

We were "trying" a malicious prosecution case--policeman hubby sent investigators over to his ex-wife's house because she supposedly had weed in it, out of concern for his daughter. We were repping the hubby, played by my awesome boyfriend (Leonidas was one of the unfortunate HAD-TO'S). He's on the stand, being cross-examined by a couple of 3Ls asking him about his relationship with his daughter when he tells them he.is.NOT.the.child's.father. We all froze. Time stood still. The 3L wheeled around to face me. I'm making the "what the fuck is he saying" face to my TC partner. I lock eyes with the 3L. He makes a threatening face. I shrug, as if to say "how the fuck is this helping my case???" The trial resumes. We, obviously, lose. Lesson learned. Don't just prep your witness. Tell them what to say AND what not to say.

2) Using the excuse "They were unavailable for trial"--this usually crops up in relation to trying to get questionable evidence or testimony in front of the jury. Nice try, but no dice. They may be unavailable for testimony, but it's because of the setup of this particular problem. Do not use the lack of witnesses to try to screw over the other side. And don't tell a trial judge that you cannot produce a witness for testimony, because you'll almost certainly violate TC rules and may get called on it, making you look like a buffoon.

3) Wear hooker shoes--don't scoff! There is a girl in my class who is renowned for her hooker shoes. Yes, she may inspire fear in my fierce little litigating heart, but it ain't because of her trial techniques--it's because I'm imagining where those shoes have been, and what pain they have inflicted in the bedroom. Trust me, the judges will be thinking that too. And seriously, who takes a woman in hooker shoes seriously? (P.S. This applies to boots above the knees too.)

For references of what her hooker shoes look like, here is an example, only I'm pretty sure hers are shinier, more strappy, and even more inappropriate for any type of court setting:

4) Using lines from movies--let's not kid: My Cousin Vinny; Liar, Liar; and Legally Blonde are cinematographic masterpieces. But their lines are appropriate when you're bullshitting with friends, not when you're presenting your case for the chance of winning a trial. Some examples include:

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, everything that guy just told you was bullshit. Thank you.
OR
I object! (On what grounds?) That it's DEVASTATING TO MY CASE.
OR
And your boyfriend's name is?


5) Piss off the judges--this may seem to be a pretty simple one, but trust me, this happens far more frequently than you would believe. Questioning their credentials, complaining about them to competition organizers, or straight-up telling them they are wrong? BAD IDEA. And you will lose. If you complain about them later, you may have won....but you will still end up losing. It's the God's honest truth.

I've got plenty of other stories, which I may or may not trot out later. But first, has this ever happened to you? What tips do you have for losing with flair?

Poor Decision-Making Lawyers of Tomorrow (PDMLT)

My very first day in my Legal Writing class, my classmates and I were expected to stand up and tell everyone else our name, where we were from, our undergrad degree choice, and why we chose law school. Below are a list of reasons people gave...(and my reasons for shooting many of these rationales down)

1) "I want to help people"--while this is certainly a worthwhile endeavor, many burn out before they even truly get started. If you want to help people, you need to reassess this job, because the law isn't fair, and sometimes it isn't even just. Bleeding hearts? They break.

2) "I want to make money'--HA. If you do, somehow, make 120K a year, I hope you like NOT having a life. And doing menial work. And generally not having time to enjoy the money you've made. Of course, considering how difficult it is to even obtain a job, the amount of money ain't exactly enticing.

3) "My parents are both lawyers"--Maybe you'll at least have a job after law school. You'll also be practicing in their shadows for the rest of your life. Or have to listen to them talk about how you messed something up.

4) "I like to argue"--So does my mom. That doesn't mean she's schlepping off to law school every single day. This is probably the stupidest reason EVER to go to law school. You want to force others to put up with your bad habits because you believe it's necessary to the practice of law? Ever heard the phrase you catch more flies with honey? Well, I'm not in the business of catching flies, but if I were, I wouldn't be doing it by screaming at them.

5) "I've wanted to do this since I was 5 years old"--I wanted to be a unicorn when I was five years old. What do five year olds know, anyway?

6) "I didn't want to have to look for a job in this shitty economy"--legitimate enough, but have you read about the job opportunities that await us after law school? They're not looking so hot. And now you have an extra 70K of law school debt riding on your shoulders. 

7) "I can't do anything with a degree in Women's Studies"--again, true, but why the hell didn't you think of this BEFORE you finished undergrad? I've also found that people going to law school because their undergrad degree sucks are generally not that interested in the practice of law.

And my favorite one (and probably the most legitimate reason for one of my incredible peer's decision to enroll)?

8) "Have you ever seen My Cousin Vinny?"

Don'tgiveafuck

For some classes, you tab. For others, you read the footnotes. And for many, you don't do jackshit.

Or maybe that's just me.

Forgive my absence for the past few days. I started working on a cartoon outlining one of the many reasons I hate law students. And then I realized I cannot draw. Which means that my attempt at a cartoon will come soon. And I will have warned you. (So don't bitch at me when my stick-figure lady has lopsided boobs or is drawn to a physically impossible scale.)

As I was writing earlier: different classes (even those not in law school) require different things. The more you like a class, the more willing you are to do those things. In the vein of honesty, though, I'd like to clarify something regarding these so called "lovable" classes: people generally don't love classes because of the subject matter. They also don't love them because "they learned so much." Many will credit the teacher for a class being amazing. My opinion? Classes are dependent upon the people in them.

Take, for instance, one of my criminal classes. Don't get me wrong: I love criminal work. Love getting my hands dirty, learning the gory details, then figuring out the pieces to the puzzle. But this particular criminal class? I would rather gouge out my eyes while setting myself on fire and jumping off a cliff ala Denethor of LOTR than be present. The people, quite simply, make me shudder to even think of the next class period. Perhaps it isn't the people singularly, but as a whole. Or perhaps I just need a cocktail to enjoy the class a little bit more, especially if people are going to twist my words when I note certain things that are detrimental to a prosecution's case. I really think the thing that makes this class so unbearable is the fact that I would otherwise absolutely love the course if it weren't subjected to a complete lack of don'tgiveafuck from those around me. Or, you know, if they'd read the GD BOOK.

Then there's the classes in which I don'tgiveafuck. For those, I do try to read. I do not, however, attempt to answer questions. Because I understand that my don'tgiveafuck can be annoying to others. If I am forced to answer a question, I do so quickly. But since we know that no professor asks me a question (go back and read "The Plan" if you need to know more about my tactics), that doesn't happen. See? I strive to make the learning experience pleasant for those around me.

Clinic classes are also completely dependent upon those in your group. I'm lucky enough to have some great teachers for those classes. For the most part, the people in them are pretty good too....because it's hard to have a case of don'tgiveafuck when people's futures are literally in your hands. I can honestly say, however, if I ask a question to a peer hoping for a real answer while in said clinic, the answer "I don't know" while not looking up from their texting does piss me off. Particularly when they do know but don'tgiveafuck enough to take two seconds to simply process my answer and respond intelligently.

I hope don'tgiveafuck ain't catching.

Because I hear 3Ls are particularly susceptible to this condition......