Hope for the future.

Most days I'm tongue in cheek and sarcastic on my blog. Tonight, though, I feel like writing for the sake of writing. Oftentimes I don't know what to write about, and I generally do not update my blog unless I have something specific to say, or a witty illustration to add. However, I see nothing wrong with the occasional update regarding the state of affairs of my life.

As of a couple of days ago, I'm studying for the patent exam. But I've already told y'all that. I'll learn of my results from the Texas Bar Exam in approximately 10 days. I'm also still actively looking for a job. I work out 5-6 days a week, and I'm eating like a starving wildebeest. Other than that, I'm just...existing. I had a great time going "away" for a few days with my boyfriend about a week ago. We saw a show, had a really nice dinner, and generally enjoyed each others' company.

Although I'm highly realistic regarding mostly everything in my life (swift kicks in the ovaries by life generally tends to strip away your sense of optimism and replace it with cold, hard realism), I still like to dream about what my life will one day be like. I like to imagine a house with a backyard. A front porch with a swing on it. Gardens and fresh herbs that I grow in them. A job that I actually enjoy arriving at each day. Home cooked meals each night. Being debt free.

I know this blog entry may shocking to many, because I'm rarely 100% open regarding my feelings and dreams, and even when I am, I tend to be extremely sardonic and self-deprecating about them. I wonder if this sometimes keeps me from landing the jobs I interview for, and wonder even more often if there is something specific about me that is causing me to be unemployable. I had another friend who was in this same boat and she recently landed a job, and I'm so happy and excited for her. And hopeful for me.

Even when it seems like I will never be able to achieve what I have set out to do, I strive to maintain that little flicker of hope within my heart. I tell myself that I rarely am presented with opportunities in a normal way--things normally happen in the most peculiar of instances in my life. I do believe that you have to make your own fate, but I'm not stupid enough to think that luck has no part in it. Many times, being in the right place at the exact right time with the exact right mix of people is everything.

At the same time, I have to wonder when this exact moment will come. Because I keep waiting. Anxiously. With bated breath. Hoping.

Maybe I needed to release these thoughts in the atmosphere (blogosphere?). And maybe this is just superstition, but maybe I need to express that hope. That desire for more. To everyone. I've begun to live my life day by day. I try to enjoy each opportunity, and give thanks for my good health, a beautiful day, my faithful dogs, or even getting out of bed in the morning.

I strive to be authentic at all times in my blog. Because if I can't be myself here, where can I be? And tonight, this is how I feel. Wary. Cautiously optimistic. But above all, hopeful.

Job Market...an update and some admissions

Let's be real. I'm not an eternal optimist per se, but I DO believe in doors opening and opportunities presenting themselves and all that Pollyanna bullshit. I believe in positive thinking, and I'm dogged in my approach in that if I'm kicked, I return for more. It's very difficult for me to accept defeat, although I'm very much so used to it and am not normally used to having things handed to me on a highly-polished silver platter.

There has been a marked shift in my thinking since I've graduated from law school and passed the bar. I attribute this to the fact that I've been facing the realities of the legal job market for nearly a year, and still feel as if no new job opportunities are on my horizon. Although I don't think I have to explain jack-shit about my résumé, for the sake of allowing you some insight to my situation: I was solidly in the middle of my graduating class. My family are NOT lawyers, and I attended law school in a state other than I grew up in. I also took and passed the bar in that same state. I completed two separate internships with highly respected judges, one of which was for our state's Supreme Court. I participated in three separate legal clinics, was on two traveling teams, donated over 300 hours of pro bono time to the indigent while in law school, and took a wide variety of classes. I liked the rigors of law school, particularly the types of rigors associated with the practice of law.

So yeah, while my grades were mediocre, I've got plenty on my résumé and feel confident in my achievements. Which is why my continued state of unemployment is such a bitter pill to swallow. (Plus the fact that there are people who weren't even in the middle of the class who are employed and have been since graduation.)

So let me hit you with some truth, if you haven't realized it yet: the legal job market SUCKS. I recently interviewed for a job for a legal secretary position in which 25 applications were received and THREE of them were from current lawyers. This was for a $26,000 position, mind you, out in the middle of Bumfuck Egypt. I'll let that sink in for a moment. 

And when I read blog posts from people still in law school telling people who've already taken the bar and are seeking employment that they should talk to their career services department at their school, I just want to laugh. Hysterically. While slightly weeping. While I never endeavored to tell people how they should be searching for jobs when I didn't know of them or their situation, I used to be as positive (I'll refrain from calling it naive or blind). But the reality is that career services can't create jobs. And if your department is telling you of that job, it means at least twenty of your colleagues are also going to competing against you for that position. 

I've also had someone ask me what was wrong with my applications when I told her I was still looking for a job. She's lucky to still be breathing, as I would have rather snapped her neck than listen to her speak another syllable. People don't get it. Even people within the profession or who are actively involved in those who are in the profession. 

And even when I have an interview and do reaallly well and feel realllly good about it, they normally never call me back. It's like dating from hell. I send each of my cover letters and résumés out with a little prayer (or whatever one calls it). I'm still hopeful, but cautiously so. Because this much rejection hurts. Although not nearly as bad as the ignorance that abounds regarding what I'm doing wrong with respect to my job hunting.