At this point, it'd be a mercy killing...

I have ten days before I'm sitting in a Prometric Site well on my way to failing the patent bar exam.

Most people think I'm exaggerating when I say this. Let me be clear: I'm not. And, just to back up this assertion, I'm going to give you a short list of reasons why I'm almost* undoubtedly going to fail the bar exam.

*I say almost because there's the slim possibility the baby Lord Jesus may swoop down from Heaven and grant me the infinite wisdom of the MPEP and I might somehow, with his divine guidance, make the required 70% to pass the test. But....I'm not going to bank on it. 

1) I've not studied enough. I've probably put in about 100 hours of study time. Maybe 80 hours, if I'm being super honest with myself. I have been pulled in all different directions, and allowed myself to be entirely too ADHD with my studying process, which means that these 80-100 hours of studying have been non-linear and a clusterfuck of confusion. Most people study, at minimum, 250 hours for this exam.

OOOH, SHINY THING.

2) This bar exam is different. I've taken and passed two bar exams. And this exam is different because (a) it's open book, (b) it has no essays, and (c) it's not scaled, this just means that bar examining committee has more leeway to ask hypertechnical questions, and that I can't rely on dumbasses who do worse than me to pull my score up. It's either pass or fail. No in-between. And to pass, you have to study a shitton of hours. (See #1)

3) New material has made this bar exam almost impossible to study for. In 2011, Obama signed into law the America Invents Act, which took our patent system from a first to invent to a first to file process. The bar exam started testing this in full effect three months ago. This means that I have to be responsible for all the material before the America Invents Act (AIA) and ALLLLL the information after as well. This means twice the friggin material, and no real guide as to how these questions are going to be framed and no really good way to study for them.

Exactly. 

Now, I can go on and on about exactly how fucked I am, but this blog entry is a testament to EVERYTHING I'M DOING WRONG. I'm sitting here bitching about this exam that I'm going to fail rather than praying to the baby Lord Jesus or lighting a candle in his honor or, you know, actually studying for the motherfucking patent bar exam.

So yeah, maybe YOU can light a candle for me? Or pray that Jesus rides in on his pterodactyl and saves the day. Because otherwise, well, I'm fucked.

First day back to the grindstone....Or, my foray into patent bar studies

I've officially begun studying for the Patent Bar Exam....cue the twilight zone music.

It basically consists of me taking all of my stuff to the local university library (which has the most RIDICULOUS hours I've ever heard of...I mean, not open on Saturdays? REALLY?!?!). When I get there, I have to pop in a CD that goes over each phase of the Patent Bar--there are 36 CDs...and I effectively waited long enough that I'm going to have to supplement it with ADDITIONAL information regarding the newly introduced "first to file" legislation that isn't part of my study program. ::womp womp::

The good news is that I'm through 2 of the 36 CDs. The bad news is that means I have 34 CDs left. However, unlike having 50 gazillion pounds of Barbri books to cart around (like I'm used to), here I have several sleeves of CDs, three (very thin) booklets, and a 1 inch 3 ring binder. If nothing else, my back will be a lot happier with this bar studying attempt.

I have to admit that it feels good to be studying for something and to have another goal. AND I'll be told as soon as I'm finished with the Patent Bar Exam whether I passed or failed. None of this "wait two months and see!" hullabaloo (also, FYI, Texas posts results in 15 days....pardon me while I go throw up).

Screw you Texas, I've already got an award...er, bar license.

Summary of the Texas Bar Exam and a comparison

When I came back home from the bar exam, I slept a total of 3 hours that night. And my mom told me the following morning that I was whimpering in my sleep...like a fucking puppy dog. 

This will be the second bar exam I've lived through, and I'll be the first to tell you that Texas was infinitely harder than my first exam--I think this is a combination of the fact that I had an actual Barbri class to attend while studying for Arkansas, as well as the fact that Texas-specific essays made me want to jump off a building (Arkansas only has 6 essays, and they're multistate, not specific). I also don't think that the fact that I already have a law license helped either--the pressure to pass is NOT the same and the fear of failure is somewhat lessened, because...well, you've already passed once. And I'm not sure about you, but I thrive on fear of failure. 

Texas was also a lot different in terms of security--they wouldn't even let you have WATER bottles in the room, and I felt constantly dehydrated as a result (because even though they offered you water, who the hell is REALLY going to leave the room just to get a sip of water? Absolutely stupid). Arkansas tested in a hotel; Texas set us up in an arena. We were allowed to have bookbags in our testing room in Arkansas. Texas required you to have your ID and exam ticket out at all times and got twitchy about just about everything. 

And then there is the exam itself. Although I somehow managed to control myself enough to refrain from pissing in a Ziploc bag (seriously, who the fuck does that?!?!?!?), I'm not going to pretend that the test was easy--I felt a lot better about July's MBE set, and the Texas-specific essays made me want to cry. I am thankful about the fact that they tell you what to expect on the exam, but some of the questions were distinctly different than most essays you can imagine or would expect--their oil and gas question wanted you to define terms, rather than analyze facts and reach a conclusion. 

I stayed in the Holiday Inn Express about a mile away, and I think that was a pretty solid decision on my part. It was clean, offered a bar discount, and had coffee available at all times. I wanted to kick some little kid ass for hogging workout equipment (bunch of people there for a friggin boxing tournament for children....who the hell willingly lets their kids beat the shit out of other kids and allows for their children to welcome punches to the face?!!?!.....but I digress) and the hot tub was cold, but the showers were hot, the bed was comfortable, and the location was secure. 

The first day I tested, it was only a half-day and I went straight back to my hotel. The second day I got to meet one of my twitter friends (Zillyyyyy) and she was super nice enough to drive my pitiful ass to the exam (one way streets freak me the fuck out, no lie) and even nicer to let me study in her car between the exams. The third day, I managed to leave and walk a half mile to get a friggin awesome grilled cheese sandwich. This was all good. I also got to meet another twitter friend (Amby) who was sooooo sweet and got me a delightfully awesome bar-taking gift that I lerrved and made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. 

All in all, this post is a clusterfuck of information, misinformation, and unorganized ramblings. I'm still not feeling human yet, despite the fact that I had a few margaritas yesterday and went to bed at 6:30 and slept for 13 hours straight. The bar makes you a horrible fucking person, uses you for a few days, then sends you on your way feeling 30x worse for wear (ooh, if you could have seen some of the people taking the bar--they looked like transients who sought shelter in the arena from the cold). I'm glad I survived, but don't feel especially confident in my attempt to become a Texas lawyer. I'll probably write a post in a couple of days explaining all the things I should have done better (like, oh, I don't know, STUDIED AGENCY) and what I know now that I wished I had known then (like, oh, I don't know, ALL THE TEST QUESTIONS), lol. 

But for now, I'm going to sleep. And hopefully I've gotten past the whimpering stage. I think I'll move into bargaining next. 

Bar Exam Neurosis

Let's be clear: I don't use my blawg to create a persona. I am true to myself, and am perfectly fine being super ridiculous and nerdy and cheesy. 

So I'm gonna drop some truth on you right now: when it comes to test-taking, I am a NEUROTIC BITCH. Not like, oh, kinda crazy and don't bathe when it comes time to take the test. Like, have to regurgitate said test back in my hotel room so I can purge it from my mind forever. 

Yeah, you heard that right. I rewrite all the questions I can remember from the exam. Because I'm fucking crazy. (Although I would rather be crazy than think it's acceptable NOT TO BATHE WHEN I'M GOING TO BE IN PUBLIC.)

Proof is in the (cray) pudding. And my neurosis is especially evident in the fact that no,
you can't read my writing because I resized the photo to prevent such things from happening. 

Today, I managed to remember 94 questions from each session. No, I will not give them to you. No, I do not plan on disseminating them to anyone. I will probably burn them after this fucking bar exam, because really, they serve no purpose to me. They're just the byproduct of mental cleansing. 

And yet, I feel no less crazy now than when I started. 

(Don't judge me.)

(My mother does that enough for the both of us)

Bar Exam Cards....Second Card

As promised, here is card #2 for all of you studying for the bar (or even considering it, because it's truly preemptive). 

Cards in anticipation of the bar exam

As my fuse grows shorter the closer I get to the Bar Exam, I find myself having to excuse or apologize for my behavior more than I'm comfortable admitting. 

Unfortunately, it doesn't seem like Hallmark makes cards that concern the bar exam. 

So I made my own.

This is Card #1. More to follow. May God have mercy on our souls. 

Texas Hunger Games....I mean, Bar Exam

As the days run out, all I can think about is how I'm surely approaching my doom. Which gives rise to some excellent quotes from The Hunger Games:

"Stupid people are dangerous." 

"Here's some advice: stay alive." 

"Aim higher, in case you fall short." 

At any rate, hope you enjoy my little piece of "sunshine," just in time for the Texas Hunger Games Bar Exam. 

"Tick, tock."

Sad, but true....

The problem with having a law license in one jurisdiction while taking the bar exam in another....

Oh? You don't think I'm smart enough to practice in your state?

Motivation....lacking. 

This is your brain, bar exam style...

I'm pretty sure this is self-explanatory. 

(Pray to the merciful 6 lb, 8 oz. baby lord Jesus for my everloving soul....)