At this point, it'd be a mercy killing...

I have ten days before I'm sitting in a Prometric Site well on my way to failing the patent bar exam.

Most people think I'm exaggerating when I say this. Let me be clear: I'm not. And, just to back up this assertion, I'm going to give you a short list of reasons why I'm almost* undoubtedly going to fail the bar exam.

*I say almost because there's the slim possibility the baby Lord Jesus may swoop down from Heaven and grant me the infinite wisdom of the MPEP and I might somehow, with his divine guidance, make the required 70% to pass the test. But....I'm not going to bank on it. 

1) I've not studied enough. I've probably put in about 100 hours of study time. Maybe 80 hours, if I'm being super honest with myself. I have been pulled in all different directions, and allowed myself to be entirely too ADHD with my studying process, which means that these 80-100 hours of studying have been non-linear and a clusterfuck of confusion. Most people study, at minimum, 250 hours for this exam.

OOOH, SHINY THING.

2) This bar exam is different. I've taken and passed two bar exams. And this exam is different because (a) it's open book, (b) it has no essays, and (c) it's not scaled, this just means that bar examining committee has more leeway to ask hypertechnical questions, and that I can't rely on dumbasses who do worse than me to pull my score up. It's either pass or fail. No in-between. And to pass, you have to study a shitton of hours. (See #1)

3) New material has made this bar exam almost impossible to study for. In 2011, Obama signed into law the America Invents Act, which took our patent system from a first to invent to a first to file process. The bar exam started testing this in full effect three months ago. This means that I have to be responsible for all the material before the America Invents Act (AIA) and ALLLLL the information after as well. This means twice the friggin material, and no real guide as to how these questions are going to be framed and no really good way to study for them.

Exactly. 

Now, I can go on and on about exactly how fucked I am, but this blog entry is a testament to EVERYTHING I'M DOING WRONG. I'm sitting here bitching about this exam that I'm going to fail rather than praying to the baby Lord Jesus or lighting a candle in his honor or, you know, actually studying for the motherfucking patent bar exam.

So yeah, maybe YOU can light a candle for me? Or pray that Jesus rides in on his pterodactyl and saves the day. Because otherwise, well, I'm fucked.

Cue the good news

No, I still haven't found a job (yet...). However, my mom called me with some good news. Apparently, while out of the state, the US Patent and Trademark Office sent me something in the mail. And my mother, being the nosy helpful person she is, read it and called me immediately.

I've been deemed qualified to sit for the patent bar exam!!!!!!!!!!! :D

::commence the celebration!!!::

Except....this means I have approximately 60 days to learn ALL THE LAWS. 

And considering how many laws there are and the failure rate, this ain't gonna be pretty.

But still...apparently four....or five (?) (I'm not going back to check) tickets won't keep you from sitting for the patent bar.

Good to know.

Summary of the Texas Bar Exam and a comparison

When I came back home from the bar exam, I slept a total of 3 hours that night. And my mom told me the following morning that I was whimpering in my sleep...like a fucking puppy dog. 

This will be the second bar exam I've lived through, and I'll be the first to tell you that Texas was infinitely harder than my first exam--I think this is a combination of the fact that I had an actual Barbri class to attend while studying for Arkansas, as well as the fact that Texas-specific essays made me want to jump off a building (Arkansas only has 6 essays, and they're multistate, not specific). I also don't think that the fact that I already have a law license helped either--the pressure to pass is NOT the same and the fear of failure is somewhat lessened, because...well, you've already passed once. And I'm not sure about you, but I thrive on fear of failure. 

Texas was also a lot different in terms of security--they wouldn't even let you have WATER bottles in the room, and I felt constantly dehydrated as a result (because even though they offered you water, who the hell is REALLY going to leave the room just to get a sip of water? Absolutely stupid). Arkansas tested in a hotel; Texas set us up in an arena. We were allowed to have bookbags in our testing room in Arkansas. Texas required you to have your ID and exam ticket out at all times and got twitchy about just about everything. 

And then there is the exam itself. Although I somehow managed to control myself enough to refrain from pissing in a Ziploc bag (seriously, who the fuck does that?!?!?!?), I'm not going to pretend that the test was easy--I felt a lot better about July's MBE set, and the Texas-specific essays made me want to cry. I am thankful about the fact that they tell you what to expect on the exam, but some of the questions were distinctly different than most essays you can imagine or would expect--their oil and gas question wanted you to define terms, rather than analyze facts and reach a conclusion. 

I stayed in the Holiday Inn Express about a mile away, and I think that was a pretty solid decision on my part. It was clean, offered a bar discount, and had coffee available at all times. I wanted to kick some little kid ass for hogging workout equipment (bunch of people there for a friggin boxing tournament for children....who the hell willingly lets their kids beat the shit out of other kids and allows for their children to welcome punches to the face?!!?!.....but I digress) and the hot tub was cold, but the showers were hot, the bed was comfortable, and the location was secure. 

The first day I tested, it was only a half-day and I went straight back to my hotel. The second day I got to meet one of my twitter friends (Zillyyyyy) and she was super nice enough to drive my pitiful ass to the exam (one way streets freak me the fuck out, no lie) and even nicer to let me study in her car between the exams. The third day, I managed to leave and walk a half mile to get a friggin awesome grilled cheese sandwich. This was all good. I also got to meet another twitter friend (Amby) who was sooooo sweet and got me a delightfully awesome bar-taking gift that I lerrved and made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. 

All in all, this post is a clusterfuck of information, misinformation, and unorganized ramblings. I'm still not feeling human yet, despite the fact that I had a few margaritas yesterday and went to bed at 6:30 and slept for 13 hours straight. The bar makes you a horrible fucking person, uses you for a few days, then sends you on your way feeling 30x worse for wear (ooh, if you could have seen some of the people taking the bar--they looked like transients who sought shelter in the arena from the cold). I'm glad I survived, but don't feel especially confident in my attempt to become a Texas lawyer. I'll probably write a post in a couple of days explaining all the things I should have done better (like, oh, I don't know, STUDIED AGENCY) and what I know now that I wished I had known then (like, oh, I don't know, ALL THE TEST QUESTIONS), lol. 

But for now, I'm going to sleep. And hopefully I've gotten past the whimpering stage. I think I'll move into bargaining next. 

Cards in anticipation of the bar exam

As my fuse grows shorter the closer I get to the Bar Exam, I find myself having to excuse or apologize for my behavior more than I'm comfortable admitting. 

Unfortunately, it doesn't seem like Hallmark makes cards that concern the bar exam. 

So I made my own.

This is Card #1. More to follow. May God have mercy on our souls.