My mother, the witness

Been doing shittons of research and lawyering in the past week and a half, including filing craptons of stuff in the one case I'm working. I love research and I love preparing and figuring out details to be discussed in hearings, but let's be real: the Rules of Civil Procedure, service requirements, and deadlines (or, in reality, the fact that I might fuck them up entirely) terrify me, y'all.

That's why it was nice reading my mother's deposition for a case in which she's currently a party--it made me feel a little more competent as an attorney. Two particular gems from the depo, which involve litigation arising from her being hit from behind while at a stop light:

(Q) When was the first time you saw this truck?
(A) When it hit me.

And let's not forget this one, which tickled my funny bone and for which my mother didn't even offer up an answer, although I can imagine VERY CLEARLY the expression on her face:

(Q) When is the first time you became aware of this accident?

Wait, WHAT?

I get it from somewhere. Clearly. 

STFU

Tonight, while on the phone with my mother, I was offered a big cup of shut the fuck up.

I think I'd prefer a shot, wouldn't you?

Don't worry; it comes in all flavors.

"I'd rather have a full bottle in front of me than a full frontal lobotomy." --Fred Allen

Not enough hours in the day.....

The end of school is rapidly approaching, and I'm confronting life with all the grace of a lumbering wildebeest and the social skills of a velociraptor.

I have three finals in the course of a week, six memos to finish for ONE clinic, final hours for a judicial externship, a 10 page paper for the aforementioned judicial externship, and OH MY GOD WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE..................

My heightened surliness was recently remarked upon by my mother, Mad Maxine, who has a velociraptor approach in every avenue of life (thus making her observations that much more poignant).

Max: you've gotta relax a little bit. You've been bitchier than ever lately. What calms you down?
Me: Tequila.
Max: No, seriously.
Me: I am being serious. Tequila.
Max: Okay....
Me: So what do you suggest?
Max: Tequila.


If you need me, I'll be under my desk clutching my bff bottle.

A few of my favorite things....(and no, it's not raindrops on roses and kittens' whiskers, you pansy)

I have a few favorite things I like to do when I have the time. Few of these are healthy, since it's my firm belief that if you are exercising and are NOT miserable, you apparently are not doing it correctly. This top five blog will not include spending time with my friends and family, because that's way too obvious (for the record, I love doing this, but this post is not about the obvious things I like to do....).

Much like my brother Cyd, I definitely include sleeping in my top five. I love to sleep. I also use sleeping as a defense mechanism; that is to say, I sleep when I’m sick, I sleep when I’m pissed off, and I sleep when I’m sad (no emotional eating for me…I only eat when I’m bored or have nothing else better to do). Last night, I fell asleep at 10:00. (Refer to my post re: my conversation with Maxine about being an old lady.) If you read my blog, you’ll notice that sleeping is a common theme. So is being pissed off about people’s incompetence (to which I rant and rave…then sleep). Another common theme is frustration with law school (to which I sleep…FORGET READING!). Sleep…it’s the answer for just about anything.

I'm good at sleeping, y'all. I can literally lay down and go to sleep in less than two minutes. Maxine is convinced I've got narcolepsy. Still, sleeping isn't always the best for Fidget here....I have a tendency to doze off at the wheel of my car, to hibernate when there is bad weather (like that one winter my sophomore year of college), and when I don't sleep...well, I turn into a raging bitch from hell.

Another on my top five list of things to do is eat. Remember above how I said I'm not an emotional eater? Well, I'm not. I'm a compulsive eater. This is probably only a negative thing, although I'm sure I could find some positives about it if I looked hard enough. Leonidas likes to grumble about my eating views (my eating views, for those that do not know, consist of living to eat. Leon prefers to eat to live....the snob). Yes, this one cupcake tastes delicious. You know what would taste even more delicious? TEN MORE CUPCAKES!!!!!!!! Nom nom nom.....

Unfortunately, I do not get to eat nearly as much as I would like to. If I had my choice, I would probably be six hundred pounds, bedridden, and in a permanent diabetic coma (oh wow, I just combined TWO of my favorite things). Since I do not allow myself to eat everything in sight, I chose when to blow my calories....chili? No thanks. Chocolate cake? Yes, please. Eating out? Not really. Big homemade platter of ribs? DOUBLE YES. Not eating everything in sight is an exercise of willpower, which I've finally kinda gotten a handle over, although there are times when the fat kid in me comes out and hoards a homemade cookie (notice a theme? I don't really care for prepackaged--it's the stuff made with love I can't resist. I NEED LOVE!!!).

Something else I have always loved to do (when I have time, mind you) is read. Good demonstration: Leonidas and I were talking the other day about going out. The conversation that ensued went something like this:

Leonidas: You should go out some this summer. You can call a few people and get to know the town.

Ms. Dr. J: I don't really go out, Leonidas. I like to stay in. I like to sleep. I've never even been to a bar in my hometown.

Leonidas: You've been to bars in _________ (college town). And here!

Ms. Dr. J: Yeah, but I don't just love going. I like grabbing margaritas in restaurants, not playing beer pong in a bar.

Leonidas: You've NEVER been to a bar in your hometown?

Ms. Dr. J: I have owned library cards in every town I've lived in. That's the kind of person I am. I have LIBRARY CARDS.

Leonidas: Maxine was right.

Ever since I was little, I've been this kind of person. I love to read. I am really bad at remembering to bring library books back, but by God, I consider library fines my contribution to the community. My mom thinks my voracious reading is what rendered me partially blind. I used to get in trouble in elementary school for reading at my desk. My dad is convinced I will eat anything put in front of me if I'm reading a book (which may or may not be true). Reading is cool! Don't judge me. (Disclaimer: I am talking about any kind of book other than the legal casebook kind, unless the legal casebook kind involves something ridiculous and resolves itself in the way I think it should have, and the judge writing the opinion does so in a bitingly sarcastic and witty manner.)

Finally, the last thing I like to do when I have time (remember, I'm only really doing four, because the whole family and friends thing comes first on my list. {Y'ALL HEAR THAT? YOU'RE FIRST. Leave me along already!}) is spend money. I'm not talking about on stuff like clothing (for the most part, because I'm pretty lazy and don't want to try a lot of shit on)--I'm talking shoes, jewelry, accessories, real estate, and in places that have dirt cheap prices like TJ Maxx and Ross Dress for Less. Unfortunately, I can never do this. GIRL IS BROKE. I'm talking snake that got run through the lawnmower broke. One day, when I'm a super mildly successful attorney, maybe I'll get to spend money, but for the time being, I guess it's more apt to say another favorite thing of mine to do is to daydream about spending money.

So there I am, in a nutshell. I obviously like to spend time with my friends and family (but who doesn't, unless you're a psychopath or have psychopathic family, although it's your own fault if your friends are psychopaths). But in the meantime, I also like to sleep, eat, read, and daydream about spending money. I'm like a human parasite.

That has a ring to it: Fidget....the human parasite. (After all, one day, I will be a lawyer....ba dum cha.)

Question of the Day

I am not sure how many people actually read this blog, but I'd like to pose a question to you (something that was constantly raised during Crim Pro)--

Imagine you are in your backyard. You're surrounded by police officers (let's just say 5 or 6). They are asking you a few casual questions, then ask if you would accompany them to the police station.(For this hypo, they don't show you their guns or speak in an intimidating matter.) Illegal seizure? DISCUSS. (Also...I'm open to discussions regarding the average person's opinion. Do you, "average Joe," feel like you would be compelled to go to the police station in these circumstances, whether you want to or not?)

Okay, now that I've gotten that out of the way....I'm going to keep this blog brief. Maxine apparently thinks she is funnier than me. She also thinks she writes better stories. I'm going to call bullshit on that. To call bullshit effectively, I've set her up with a blog. And as soon as she SOMEHOW figures out how to work the little thing called the "internet," maybe she can prove herself.

I'm not gonna hold my breath....

(Because her+technology=hopeless and me=infinitely funnier. Trust me.)

If my life were a play....

Normally I write every single day. It's very cathartic and a great way to get rid of things that are bothering me. On the other hand, 14 hours of sleep does roughly the same thing....the only casualties of my hibernation was a missed call to my boyfriend and a half-finished "Earl the Squirrel" story I was making up for my brother. This leads me to my topic of discussion today: I've somehow neglected to name some of the main characters of my life, and I'm pretty sure calling my peoples "the boyfriend" and "my mom" will eventually get old, so I'm going to engage in a (drum roll please) SUPER AWESOME NAMING EXTRAVAGANZA.

In the interest of anonymity, I will not give official or even semi-close names for my peoples. I also will not give them names of inanimate objects (because that would just be weird). So without further adieu, here are the main characters of my life and many of my stories:

My mother (aka: sometimes will be referenced as crazy, ridiculous, or lacking in superior mentality): she is a source of a great many stories, many of them told from a frustrated point of view. She calls me at least 50 times a day (seriously.not.joking) and many times just doesn't get it. She can also be quite witty, although I find she's generally funnier when her barbs are not aimed at me. I think I shall call her Maxine, after that mean lady from the cartoons who is occasionally funny. Apparently she prefers Irma (seriously, WHO PREFERS IRMA?!?!?!) but Maxine it is.

Brother #1: he is not too much younger than me, and favors sleeping to being awake. However, when he is awake, he has a wicked sense of humor that girls generally turn and run from. It's like garlic to a vampire. He is literally the equivalent of a human sloth. I therefore shall call him Cyd. (My mom would also have you know Cyd is creepy and, if he weren't her son, she would seriously question his lack of a criminal record.)

Brother #2: he is quite a bit younger than me, and a lot like me. He's incredibly smart, but lacking in common sense to a degree that is hilarious and very endearing (note: I am neither incredibly smart or hilarious/endearing....I meant in the sense of personality). He likes playing video games to a point where he should technically be blind, but somehow he managed to escape from the terrible fate of blindness I have inexplicably been given. In light of all these facts, I think I shall call him "Calvin," after his favorite comic strip (although I'm pretty sure he prefers Hobbes).

Boyfriend: he has somehow managed to put up with me for quite some time now, and doesn't show any signs of giving up on me. He's funny, likes reciting movie scenes in the shower, and is a serious car enthusiast. I also suspect he hates my cooking (although he professes to love it), simply from the sheer amount of times he opts to go out for dinner instead of staying in. From here on out, he will be known as Leonidas, the character he probably quotes the most in the middle of his showers. (Note: this was a tough decision, because he also loves quoting the movie "Troy" and might have preferred another name. Too bad. Leonidas stands.)

I have another friend who follows my blog that I shall simply refer to her name she has already given herself: "Blog Creeper." Her biography can come at another day, although I may allow her to write her own, if she so likes.

My dad doesn't really come up a whole lot in my stories, but he's pretty damn funny too when I actually get to hang out with him. He likes fishing, working, and sleeping (though not to the extent that Cyd does). I say this because any time we go on vacation, we end up staying in the hotel more than leaving...because it's his "damn vacation too, and he deserves a break." I think I shall call him Danny, due to his very minimal resemblance to Danny Tanner from Full House. Maxine thinks this makes no sense. I don't care, Maxine. (She's pissed I gave her a shitty name and gave him a decent one. Like IRMA was any better???)

So, there are the main characters in my life, although I'm sure the secondary ones will come up from time to time, and I shall name them as they come. As for me, I'll just refer to myself in the first person rather than the third, thus taking away all need for one. However, Maxine thinks I need a name for the conversations I have with her that I sometimes illustrate in third person. She hereby has deemed me "Fidget," the bat from The Great Mouse Detective (apparently because I'm blind as a bat)...although I do NOT have a gimpy leg. (I can do a great impersonation of him though, if you ever want to hear it.) I guess Fidget is a decent enough name.

I think that about sums up the vast ridiculousness of my life....Maxine, Cyd, Calvin, Leonidus, Danny, and Blog Creeper.

And me....Fidget.

May God have mercy on our souls.