Welcome to the big girl world....

Last week I mentioned sending my letter to opposing counsel. I can only imagine what he did when he received it, but I don't think him shitting on it and setting it on fire are outside of the realm of possibility. 

I say this because this week, my client was served with motions regarding her case, after he knew I was her attorney. For you non-attorneys out there, let me explain: that doesn't go against figurative ethical protocol. It goes against ACTUAL WRITTEN FUCKING RULES. Specifically, one regarding contacting a person that they know to be represented by counsel. I was pissed, but I let it slide. 

Even though I wanted to smack a bitch. 

He also filed a piece of shit motion that was passed ex parte. And, again, for you non-legal scholars, ex parte doesn't mean a party where all your exes are in attendance (although given the circumstances--custody, I find  the name ironic)-- it simply means my client didn't receive notice of the proceedings. 

I may have done some of this when I got wind of this shit. 

But today. TODAY. While arranging a hearing with him on the phone during a conference call with a judicial assistant, I happened to ask if he had gotten the letter of confirmation regarding another hearing we have together. His response: I'm sure my girls got it. 

To which I replied "That's funny, because I called your office yesterday and "your girl" told me you were the only one who had access to that email account. So....is there a secondary address I can send this next confirmation to in order to assure you get it?" 

Come at me, bro bitch. 

Sometimes, it's the little things. 

Super Exciting......

Today, aside from studying, I did something super exciting. I edited a letter that's been sitting in my documents folder for twenty days. I cleaned it up, and printed it out on nice, cream-colored linen paper. I printed a matching envelope out with my address on it. And after my name, I put "Attorney at Law."

Because today I mailed a letter to opposing counsel on behalf of my very first (albeit pro bono) client. I was nice. I was cordial. I was fair. But I was also firm. And I feel awesome. 

Let's not mention the fact that this is the very first time I'm practicing law on someone without any supervision. Or the fact that I am terrified of committing some sort of terrible instance of malpractice. Or the fact that SOMEONE'S LEGAL EXISTENCE IS IN MY HANDS.

Nope, I'm going to focus on the fact that until this letter hits and I get a response, I am the head motherfucker in charge. Then, we'll just have to see how it plays out. Besides, my client knows she's the first person I've represented...

GOD HELP ME 

(and my client)

Job Search, Part 1 (Or: How the Job Search is Disgustingly Like Internet Dating)

One of my friends and I were conversing about the sad state of job hiring within the legal profession right now. This has prompted me to create a series about this all-too-familiar topic, which reminds me of internet dating. Part 1? From the employer's perspective. 

(Must be nice.)

Ermahgerd...I passed

Yesterday, Arkansas released the names of those who passed the bar exam. 

I was at my little brother's music lesson with a monstrous stress headache. Then the fire alarm went off, which I thought was probably the worst thing that could have happened to my poor, fragile little head. 

Until I tried to load the Arkansas Judiciary website. It was so clogged up that it wouldn't load. And my dad started text-ticking off minutes:

4:02

4:05

4:08

And then I got a congratulatory text from one of my really good friends. Even then I couldn't believe it. 

But it's true. I passed the Arkansas Bar Exam. 

Trade Fixtures Exception (a ditty by moi)

Barbri Amp: What it says v. what it means

Yes, Barbri is still struggling to get its shit together with regards to Barbri AMP, much to the chagrin of the people who paid shittons of money for its proven track record of "experience" and "success." Whatev.

Barbri, Day 1

1) Barbri started today. This means I get to officially learn what's actually *relevant* for the Bar....since the past three years have apparently MEANT NOTHING.

2) We started off with a Torts practice exam. FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK.

3) To the douche sitting behind me: BURN. No, really. I'm tired of you already being a douchebag, particularly since we're only one hour into the effing course.

4) It's a beautiful day outside. And I wish I were floating in a pool somewhere, tanning my pasty white legs (who am I kidding? They would burn in a heartbeat).

5) Happy birthday to my fantastic boyfriend, who is now a quarter of a century old.

Don't bet against the bailiff

I'm not sure if I've written about my externship before, since I generally shy away from anything that has to do with court proceedings in the interest of judicial secrecy. That being said, I work several hours per week with hilariously awesome people in this particular court setting. As is typical with awesome people, craziness ensues a large majority of the time. 

Like today, when I lost a bet. 

We had a hearing regarding parents that don't get along and refuse to get along for the interest of their two children. They have allowed these kids to have Facebook accounts. The parents also have Facebook accounts, and apparently Momsy spends a good majority of the time making sexual innuendos and bashing Dadsy on her wall. My Judge, hereby named "Her Awesomeness," has been dealing with this couple for a while now. Today they were in court to squabble about the young girl having a Facebook (and I mean this girl is well below the age required by Facebook policy to even qualify for an account). 

While duking it out, it became blatantly obvious that both of these parents were off their rockers. And that Her Awesomeness was getting pretty damn pissed. 

Imagine how much more pissed she became when she realized Momsy took her barely teenaged son to a place I'll call Knockers to celebrate his birthday...in clear violation of a court order regarding the consumption of alcohol around the children (hand to God, Her Awesomeness was actually quoted in the previous transcripts as saying the parents should view alcohol as seriously as cocaine if it was around the children, as the kids had been so over-exposed to alcohol in the past). 

Which brings me to my bet. As Bailiff Larry and I were waiting for Her Awesomeness's ruling, he figured out loud that Judge would probably hold Momsy in contempt (Knockers was just the beginning). Her Awesomeness is a really kickass and (extremely) sweet lady, so I naturally assumed it would take more to rile Judge up.

And of course, I was wrong. 

Which is why I'm now making brownies for the entire court tomorrow. 

But hey, I got to see someone arrested! TOTALLY WORTH IT. 

Law school vacation...I mean, competition.

Went to law school competition this weekend. And by weekend, I mean Wednesday through today (Sunday). As I have class on Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday only, this means I missed AN ENTIRE WEEK OF SCHOOL. Happily, I'm regaining about 12 hours of free time per week that I am no longer devoting to practicing for the competition, so I should be able to mitigate missing so much school.

So, highlights of my week include:

1) The two feet of snow that fell while visiting. Thank God I packed snowboots. And purchased sweater tights. And that I like snow.

2) Visiting the Molly Brown Museum. She did so much more than survive the Titanic. I seriously recommend visiting if you are ever in Denver. She's a remarkable woman and a monument to to the women's rights movement.

3) Arguing in a real courtroom. It was marble. With real wood. And I got to introduce blown up evidence (i.e. evidence that was enlarged, not set on fire). And make really sweet arguments. (ON THE GROUNDS THAT IT'S DEVASTATING TO MY CASE!!!)

4) $65 per diem. Enough said. NOMNOMNOMNOMNOM.

5) Losing all the competitions, but winning the mingling award and gleaning the best prize of the night: free drink tickets. My teammates loved me for this. (Although those huge gavels were pretty fucking sweet, too.)

6) A hotel room all to myself. Apparently my school is awesome. And understands the possibility of women killing each other if forced to room together. My room was baller. The view? Not so much.

Some of the not so awesome things that I experienced while on my "boondoggle" to Denver (you trial comp people know what the hell I mean by that):

1) Missing the opportunity to eat at Crepes & Crepes. DAMN YOU, SKEWED SENSE OF DIRECTION. DAMN YOU STRAIGHT TO HELL.

2) Missing my dog. I'd like to thank a VERY good friend of mine, Tigger (she'll get this reference), for watching my crazy Crackers. I'm eternally grateful, and glad to be home with my goofy dog.

3) Not having any type of schedule. Our itinerary was one of a bunch of half-drunk fratties on spring break: we had no fucking clue what was going on. My coach isn't big on communication. Didn't know my flight number. Or my hotel name. Or my flight time. Or when any of the competitions were. Or my middle name. You get the drift. Thus this blog was spawned by my freaked out (and obviously sarcastic) mother, Maxine.

I could go on and on, but I'm going to save it for tomorrow (or perhaps the next, after I've fully recovered from this trip) when I blog about the politics of law school competitions, and perhaps offer a few friendly pointers for those considering competing in such a program.

And maybe tell a funny story or two.

Maybe.

Lucy in the Sky with Cubic Zirconium

This week was pretty much the week from Hell. I had a shitton of stuff I had to make happen, including a few interviews for externships next semester, a presentation for one of my classes, and a gazillion client interviews that somehow had to take place. But somehow I got through it and it's now Friday and I'm sitting in my house clutching two bags of Goodwill purchases and rocking myself like a baby preparing to make dinner like a big kid. (Okay, I did go to Goodwill.)

The most interesting thing to take place this week was probably one of the interviews for a judicial externship. I went in and introduced myself and the judge (who I have NEVER EVER MET BEFORE) said it was nice to see me again, effectively shaming me into a pool of self-doubt about whether we had, in fact, ever actually been introduced before. I maintain we hadn't. But I digress. After our standard repartee regarding why I want the externship and my studies (which I kinda like, because I always seem to have a new answer), we started to meander into other topics.

Like how she once represented a woman in a divorce proceeding who always smelled kinda funny and she never knew what the scent was. Until the lady was arrested for meth. (Oops for requesting child custody.)

Or how I had done an internship this summer and was scared shitless about the job and how much I anticipated hating it (I may have substituted in crap instead) and how I actually ended up loving it. (Maybe that's kinda relevant.)

Or how it's impossible for someone to overdose on LSD, and how the judge had always kinda wanted to try it, but figured she would have a flashback twenty years down the road in court and so she never did.

And how LSD is now being advocated for people suffering severe depression and it supposedly actually works.

And how anytime I smell pot, I want to barf all over the place and how I hate getting on the bus because I never know if the bus will smell like Reefer Joe over in the corner who just got done toking it up right before he boarded.

Oh, and how I saw pot the first time when I was in college and how I had a minor freakout.

And how she knew kids that smoked pot all the time in law school and once they pulled it out in front of her and she also had a minor freakout.

We then agreed that legalizing drugs wasn't necessarily a problem, since the people who are going to try heroin are going to do it regardless of whether it's legal or not, and we just don't want to have to deal with people doing it in public.

Yes, people, I spent approximately 25.3465 minutes of a 30 minute interview discussing drugs...with a circuit judge.

She offered me the externship the next morning. And naturally I accepted.

I like your shoes. I'll give you two bucks for them.

I'm spending time at a regional negotiation competition this weekend, and I've begun to pick apart certain characteristics of my fellow competitors. The result....well, here you are. 

1) The ladies man - yes, he views this as a negotiation....for getting in your pants. He's the one with the metrosexual tie/hair combo and the overly shined shoes. Negotiating style? Slick....but nearly as slick as he thinks. 

2) Demure lady - she uses her lack of words against you in an attempt to have you blabber until the cows come home. Must....resist...the....temptation..... She's usually paired with an equally demure lady, or

3) The overly competitive former 1L gunner - this is typically a guy, and he's got something to prove. If you stand in his way, he will cut you. I'm waiting for my chance to engage in a no-blink-staredown contest with this fellow. Because I will set him ablaze. With my MIND. 

4) The couple - they came here together. They are dating or (at the very least) fuckbuddies. They have eaten, breathed, a sexed this problem for the past 27 days. They are literally about to come to fisticuffs by this time....or they've turned to toking to pretend they are not in this competition. 

5) The don'tgiveafuck - tired of being here. Tired of negotiating. Tired. 

6) The over-prepared - you would think this was the same as the retired gunner, but no. These people don't just have the law. They have the excel sheets on their computers at the hand with the formulas to turn their numbers into a final offer. Fuck them.

7) The Hillary - I once heard Hillary referred to as a snake. As in, she looked like she would unhinge her jaw at any time and swallow you whole. I can appreciate this, however terrifying it may be. 

8) Medicated/nonmedicated - these are the people either dosed up on Adderall or not...when they should be. They are talking a million miles an hour, bouncing around from subject to subject like monkeys on crack, and generally making my hand itch. 

All in all, though, I've been having a good time. We got in at a reasonable hour last night, had dinner at a delicious place, and our suite is GREAT. 

And while at that delicious restaurant, hanging out at the bar and waiting for a table, something even more delicious happened. I was drinking water. The bartender saw everyone in my group had drinks and made sure I didn't want something, to which I replied I didn't want an $11 drink I could get for $6 back at home.

And I received that drink. For $6.

How's that for a friggin' negotiation?

Case theories (aka: don't go chasing waterfalls)

I've read on a very good blawg (I forget the link, but I'll find it and post it eventually) that lawyers should write down phrases, words, and themes that they can use for future cases. Apparently, that stroke of genius may never hit you again, and you never know when you're going to need a good theme. I've decided to put a couple of the obvious standards down, but I'd love some help adding to the list. ;)

1) Bitch set me up. (Alternatively called the "Marion Barry") This is a great theme, and a succinct one at that. Rather than perpetuating the same old SODDI defense time after time, how about we surprise the court and the jurors by taking something out of a shitty Nicolas Cage movie? I advise telling your client that this is the exact theme of your case, as he may jump up sometime during court and shout this (or, even better, scream it at FBI agents of his own accord).

2) He had it coming. Really, who couldn't use a little bit more of the Cellblock Tango in their life? This is a good one to keep in mind during voir dire, because, honestly, who hasn't wanted to blow their husband's head off for his little idiosyncrasies that he purposefully perpetuates? (In this case, I'd probably have the client sing the ditty on the stand, then submit her crazy defense.) Which brings me to:

3) He's coo-coo for CoCoa puffs.... The old crazy standard always has to be on your list. And ever so often, they might actually be crazy. For the record, though, being out-of-your-mind drunk DOES NOT count as a defense. You may argue it, but I don't suggest it.

AND A FEW OF MY OWN:

4) Life is a box of chocolates (At least, that's what my mama always told me)--this is helpful during civil cases where someone is arguing (somewhat ridiculously) that something didn't turn out "fair." As an old and wise professor once quoted to our class (his previous and presumably dead and wise professor): "FAIR? You know what fair is here in {insert location}? It comes around twice a year." (And might I recommend some cotton candy....or chocolates?)

5) With great power comes great responsibility (especially when you're highly attractive and your apartment smells of rich mahogany)-- great for indicting doctors, fellow lawyers, congressman, particularly attractive people, and bodyguards at your town's local bar.

Any case themes I should add to my repertoire?

Clusterfuck

As a 3L, one would assume I've somehow managed to get my act together with regard to law school...

And they'd be wrong.

Without fail, I overload myself, overwork myself, underwork on things I should DEFINITELY be working on, and overall seemingly attempt to get my life as close to the description of clusterfuck as I possibly can. And that's just the beginning.

I spoke the other day about how things were starting to get hairy. I'm now freaking out about how little I feel like I've accomplished, and how much I still have left to do. I've got Trial Comp starting tomorrow and have to write a closing statement and finish a direct. I have witness prep also. Oh, and "senior pictures" tomorrow.

Let's not forget the teacher that is making my life a living hell by scheduling class to run til 6:00 instead of 5:00 (I'm leaving at 5:00, I've almost decided). And BOA, who has someone not related to the damn competition sending out emails and usurping my committee head by trying to call meetings regarding subjects he knows nothing about. Oh yeah, and the fact that I have clients coming in uninvited to talk to me about their cases. And trial in a WEEK where I'm repping a child against two felonies.

Add on top of that I have a friend's birthday party(esque) thing tonight, my house is a disaster, and I have approximately FIVE GAZILLION memos to file to write, and I'm starting to unravel a little. AND WE HAVE, LIKE, NINE WEEKS OF SCHOOL LEFT IN THIS SEMESTER.

But on the up side, I made my school's traveling negotiation team.

And Drop Dead Diva's finale is on tonight....

Poor Decision-Making Lawyers of Tomorrow (PDMLT)

My very first day in my Legal Writing class, my classmates and I were expected to stand up and tell everyone else our name, where we were from, our undergrad degree choice, and why we chose law school. Below are a list of reasons people gave...(and my reasons for shooting many of these rationales down)

1) "I want to help people"--while this is certainly a worthwhile endeavor, many burn out before they even truly get started. If you want to help people, you need to reassess this job, because the law isn't fair, and sometimes it isn't even just. Bleeding hearts? They break.

2) "I want to make money'--HA. If you do, somehow, make 120K a year, I hope you like NOT having a life. And doing menial work. And generally not having time to enjoy the money you've made. Of course, considering how difficult it is to even obtain a job, the amount of money ain't exactly enticing.

3) "My parents are both lawyers"--Maybe you'll at least have a job after law school. You'll also be practicing in their shadows for the rest of your life. Or have to listen to them talk about how you messed something up.

4) "I like to argue"--So does my mom. That doesn't mean she's schlepping off to law school every single day. This is probably the stupidest reason EVER to go to law school. You want to force others to put up with your bad habits because you believe it's necessary to the practice of law? Ever heard the phrase you catch more flies with honey? Well, I'm not in the business of catching flies, but if I were, I wouldn't be doing it by screaming at them.

5) "I've wanted to do this since I was 5 years old"--I wanted to be a unicorn when I was five years old. What do five year olds know, anyway?

6) "I didn't want to have to look for a job in this shitty economy"--legitimate enough, but have you read about the job opportunities that await us after law school? They're not looking so hot. And now you have an extra 70K of law school debt riding on your shoulders. 

7) "I can't do anything with a degree in Women's Studies"--again, true, but why the hell didn't you think of this BEFORE you finished undergrad? I've also found that people going to law school because their undergrad degree sucks are generally not that interested in the practice of law.

And my favorite one (and probably the most legitimate reason for one of my incredible peer's decision to enroll)?

8) "Have you ever seen My Cousin Vinny?"

And so it begins...

My classes have started piling up. I'm in far too many organizations. And I've signed up for entirely too many competitions.

I have approximately eight clients in my legal clinics. Of these, the ones I want to call do not and the ones I do not want to talk to do....over and over again.

Additionally, I have a job interview coming up in a place I'd really, REALLY like to work (note I said in a place, not a firm). Cover letter is due by noon today.

But on the up side, it's a lovely 51 degrees outside this morning, I got eight full hours of sleep last night, and I'm relatively good-looking.

Maybe I should repeat that in the mirror this morning three times.

Or maybe I should start my day off right....with a shot of tequila.

Happy Thursday, y'all.

Shoes may just make the lawyer

Today I learned about the wonders of drunk driving representation. And by learned, I mean obsessed over the speaker's killer leopard print strappy heels while questioning how well they would go over in court (this lady obviously runs six miles every day and has never worn sunscreen in her life). I'll leave it to your imagination....

A few things she said, I got. YES, the state DOES have to prove the case. YES, sometimes scummy people will walk when they were obviously loaded and driving around. And YES, the youtube videos can be quite amusing at times. (Her favorite is attached at the bottom of this post.)

Others, I am not so clear about, either ethically or from a legal standpoint, including: 1) Why the state would use cameras in vehicles if it makes it that much easier to get a drunk person relieved of their charges; 2) Why the state finds it necessary to keep both DUI and DWI on the books (I vaguely remember her saying something about how the offenses play out but again.....shoes); 3) How refusing to blow gets your license suspended for six months, but if you go into court and are found not guilty of the charges, it most likely gets dismissed, and MOST IMPORTANTLY:

4) Why the fuck I can't manage to get out of a damn speeding ticket.

Why law students gain weight....

Yeah, you can click it to make it larger..........

::Grumbles under breath:: Can't trust them, THEY ALL LIE

You put yourself out there. Give them a list of your achievements, likes, talents, and abilities. They call you. You meet.

And everything seems to go great. He/she says he/she will call.

So you wait by your phone.

Anxiously.

With bated breath.

Agonizing.

The days tick by....and you realize he/she will NEVER CALL.

And no, I'm not talking about a first date. I'm talking about a job interview.

Advice for incoming 1Ls....

You're going to get a long list of things you should do when you enter law school. I figured you'd need a list of things you should NOT do upon entering law school.

1) Do not hook up with anyone at the law school for at least three months. I've never eaten at the proverbial place where I shit, so to speak. That doesn't mean some people don't. If you are considering doing this, wait at least three months for the "new" sheen to wear off and allow you to see most of your legal cohorts for what they are....assholes who will most likely tell of your lack of bedroom prowess while getting sloppy drunk then calling you from the bar to pick him/her up for a little late night (shitty) bootay. Refrain. People like to gossip in law school....in fact, they act worse than middle schoolers. Except now, instead of hearing how Suzy likes Johnny, you are overhearing stories about Stacey's mismatched boobs and affinity for cracking a (non-proverbial) whip over the backs of unsuspecting 1Ls. Don't be a Stacey, people.

2) Do NOT run out and buy every single casebook on your reading list (especially at the bookstore). A lot of people would do a heck of a lot better in classes if they set aside some money for Emanuel's Crunchtime rather than that 200 dollar casebook they haven't touched all semester. Be honest with yourself....are you even going to show up to classes? If the answer is maybe, then speak to some upperclassmen, ask them if the professor even expects you to read or mostly lectures the entire time, then get some tips as to the best study guide for the class. While you're at it, ask for someone's old notes.

3) Do not outline....if it's not for you. Not everyone is an outliner. I am one of those people who would rather jump off a building rather than outline (and who gets about the same studying effect out of the two). Some people like to organize their notes in outline form. Some like to make flashcards. Some have photographic memories. Those with the photographic memories can fuck themselves. Everyone else....find out what works for you. Outlines (as hyped as they are) may not be the answer.

4) Do not be afraid to ask a question in class. I don't give two flying rat turds about being called a gunner. If asking a sincere question about something (if you HAVE READ...if you haven't, assume it's in the material, scan the material, then ask after class because otherwise, your classmates will --rightly-- want to pop a cap in your ass) qualifies you as a gunner, then so be it. That being said, don't ask a question that rephrases the last thing the professor said in hopes of making yourself look good to the professor. It makes you look like a tool.

5) Do NOT get shitty drunk at the first bar review. Without fail, at least one 1L gets a DWI after my school's first bar review. A few years ago, a person got one on a moped. Don't be that person (because you'll be remembered, but not in a good way. Maybe in an epic way, but trust me, you don't want to be the moped guy).

6) In fact, DO NOT drink and drive at all. There's another person I know that supposedly hit a police cruiser on her way back from the bar. Another person I know had a breathalyzer in his truck. And yet another had to ask everyone for rides because he had no license due to DUIs. This sucks, you have to divulge it to the Bar and future employers, and it shows up in a background scan. Plus your pictures are in the police database. And if you think those pictures don't circulate....think again. I know many people who have made them their computer's backgrounds.

7) Do not rely on other people's outlines to get a good grade in a class. People make outlines to retain information. You reading an outline may help a bit, but putting in the time to make that outline was what earned that person the A in the class. Don't kid yourself.

8) Don't expect to be one of the few A's in the class. At my school, we are graded on a B- curve. This sucks, because it means A's are in short abundance (and that our GPA averages are lower than the national average). While it's awesome to aspire to a good grade, just remember there are a lot more B- grades than A's.....and that someone has to be on the bottom of the bell curve.

I've got lots more, but this is probably the best advice I can offer. Have fun, read for class, and make friends outside of law school. Trust me, you'll need them.

MPRE....in the words of the ever relevant Mortal Kombat, FINISH HER!!!!!!!!

So I'm taking the MPRE this Friday, and haven't done very much in way of studying aside from taking a class in Professional Responsibility. Which I didn't do nearly as well on as I would have hoped. Which is the test I cried over after I finished (you can read about that here). So I may just have a mental block against it. Or maybe I'm just not ethical. Or maybe I think ethicality (call me Palin, cause I just made up a word) can be summed up in one sentence: if you have to question whether it's ethical or not, it isn't. And if you're just not a very ethical person and don't pause to consider the ramifications of you actions, KARMA will get around to you.

Isn't that so much easier than requiring me to sacrifice a few hours of a perfectly good Friday to take this test? And sacrifice even more days hours trying to cram a bunch of wacky rules into my already packed brain?

Not to mention weathering the ramifications of potential flashbacks due to my overwhelmingly negative experiences with this subject?

I should sue for intentional infliction of emotional distress.