The Supreme Court's Prayer

Yeah. I like to repeat this on days big decisions are slated to be delivered. I guess today technically wasn't one of those days, but who cares? ;)

Why I'm awesome, part 2

1) I'm strange. And by that, I mean I have a really quirky sense of humor, in the way that only theatre kids have. If you know a theatre kid, you know what I mean.

2) I shop at Goodwill and resale/consignment stores a good bit of the time, and at ebay just as much. (I've already went into my ebay addiction, but let's talk about Goodwill for a moment, why don't we?) I started shopping at Goodwill when I was about 15 years old and at the height of my theatre-kid awesomeness, and the "best" outfit I ever wore in high school consisted of leopard print stretch sleep pants with gold threads shooting through them and a man's gold lame' shirt from the 70s with HUGE shoulderpads. I didn't wear it because I thought I looked good. I wore it because it made people smile, or laugh, or point, and it was worth walking around looking like a disco ball for the awesome reactions. I've since retired this look at mostly stick to jeans and blouses, but I may be able to dig up a redacted picture of this outfit. Maybe. If I actually allowed myself to be photographed in it (I said I was weird, not retarded).

This one is almost as good....almost:

3) I hate (almost all) people, but love (almost all) animals. I have two dogs, but they are NOT my fucking babies. I refer to them as "my girls" and they are DOGS. (Don't get me started on people that carry dogs in purses.)

4) When I drink, it's shots. And I have a system for doing so that involves taking said shot, then sipping 8 ounces of water for 40 minutes before I take another shot. And I have never gotten blacked out drunk, or made questionable life decisions while doing this. My drink of choice? Tequila.

5) I didn't get cable until my 3L year, and that was because my boyfriend was tired of missing the games. I still hardly watch it, and mostly use it for background noise or to watch one or two shows I can't catch online.

As a side note: you know from past posts that I've been studying for the Bar, and am just now starting to emerge for air. I'll do another legal blog soon bemoaning my cruel summer's fate, etc. but for the moment, I just couldn't bring myself to write about the law when I am literally INUNDATED WITH IT at all times. Saturated. Soggy, if you will, from the law (and I mean in the nasty, fingers are pruny kind of way. Oh God, I'm going to have nightmares about that tonight...). 

Not enough hours in the day.....

The end of school is rapidly approaching, and I'm confronting life with all the grace of a lumbering wildebeest and the social skills of a velociraptor.

I have three finals in the course of a week, six memos to finish for ONE clinic, final hours for a judicial externship, a 10 page paper for the aforementioned judicial externship, and OH MY GOD WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE..................

My heightened surliness was recently remarked upon by my mother, Mad Maxine, who has a velociraptor approach in every avenue of life (thus making her observations that much more poignant).

Max: you've gotta relax a little bit. You've been bitchier than ever lately. What calms you down?
Me: Tequila.
Max: No, seriously.
Me: I am being serious. Tequila.
Max: Okay....
Me: So what do you suggest?
Max: Tequila.


If you need me, I'll be under my desk clutching my bff bottle.

Aspirin between the knees....

I've previously discussed my beliefs in my other blawgs, and have drawn a pretty hard line in the sand regarding some of them. I'm a moderate who believes in the shades of grey a great deal more than a distinct black or white. That being said, I try really hard to see both sides of an issue. Case in point: the recent war regarding birth control. I got angry at the Democrats for offering only one person to speak at the religious debacle debate in front of Congress a few weeks ago. I thought one person was ridiculous, although I understand that Republicans can be assholes and may have only allowed them one person to speak--but wouldn't it have been the smart decision to bring back-ups just in case???

At any rate, the testimony they offered (which was subsequently declined by the assholes previously mentioned) was that of Sandra Fluke. She had a lot of stuff to say. None of that testimony talked about how much she loved sex (although most people do--it's kinda fun, amIright?). In fact, she declined to talk about her experiences with contraceptives. She instead focused on the stories of women who were unable to afford their contraceptives and suffered terrible consequences as a result. Stories of a woman whose polycystic ovarian syndrome got so bad (due to lack of hormonal treatment) that she grew a tennis-ball-sized cyst on her ovary and had to have the entire ovary removed. Stories of a woman who was married and couldn't afford her birth control. Stories of women who were struggling with hormonal issues and unable to secure the treatment they needed due to the fact that their medicine is also considered birth control. STORIES OF MILLIONS OF WOMEN THROUGHOUT THIS NATION.

Enter Rush Limbaugh. 

I can go ahead and tell you that I'm not the biggest Rush fan. I find him hypocritical, obnoxious, and pretty stupid. He didn't disappoint this time either. Not only did he call Ms. Fluke a slut, among other things, he also told her she prostituted herself since the government was essentially paying her to have sex. He then told her the least she could do was post videos online of herself having sex, since she had been paid to do this.

Now, I'm all for first amendment rights. That being said, I fail to see how ANYONE could defend these stupid, ridiculous, fantastical comparisons, particularly women. Enter Angela Moribito. A self-proclaimed right-winger and "100 pounds of fury," Angela not only agreed with Rush Limbaugh (something she later claimed not to have done), but she also let-er-rip with this lovely little pearl of wisdom: that Sandra Fluke will always be remembered as "a Welfare Condom Queen [sic]." Apparently, Angela thinks Ms. Fluke has chained herself to the "sinking ship of Pelosi Liberalism," while seemingly--and most ironically--not realizing she herself was chaining herself to the Titanic that was inevitably Rush Limbaugh. 

I get it--some people equate condoms/birth control with slutiness. What I fail to understand is how they've equated THIS TESTIMONY with slutiness. One thing I know for certain: the world would be a much better place with a little more sluttiness and a whole lot less judgmental assholes throwing gender-bombs at people. 

Ta-ta for now. It's time to go take my birth control. 

Don't bet against the bailiff

I'm not sure if I've written about my externship before, since I generally shy away from anything that has to do with court proceedings in the interest of judicial secrecy. That being said, I work several hours per week with hilariously awesome people in this particular court setting. As is typical with awesome people, craziness ensues a large majority of the time. 

Like today, when I lost a bet. 

We had a hearing regarding parents that don't get along and refuse to get along for the interest of their two children. They have allowed these kids to have Facebook accounts. The parents also have Facebook accounts, and apparently Momsy spends a good majority of the time making sexual innuendos and bashing Dadsy on her wall. My Judge, hereby named "Her Awesomeness," has been dealing with this couple for a while now. Today they were in court to squabble about the young girl having a Facebook (and I mean this girl is well below the age required by Facebook policy to even qualify for an account). 

While duking it out, it became blatantly obvious that both of these parents were off their rockers. And that Her Awesomeness was getting pretty damn pissed. 

Imagine how much more pissed she became when she realized Momsy took her barely teenaged son to a place I'll call Knockers to celebrate his birthday...in clear violation of a court order regarding the consumption of alcohol around the children (hand to God, Her Awesomeness was actually quoted in the previous transcripts as saying the parents should view alcohol as seriously as cocaine if it was around the children, as the kids had been so over-exposed to alcohol in the past). 

Which brings me to my bet. As Bailiff Larry and I were waiting for Her Awesomeness's ruling, he figured out loud that Judge would probably hold Momsy in contempt (Knockers was just the beginning). Her Awesomeness is a really kickass and (extremely) sweet lady, so I naturally assumed it would take more to rile Judge up.

And of course, I was wrong. 

Which is why I'm now making brownies for the entire court tomorrow. 

But hey, I got to see someone arrested! TOTALLY WORTH IT. 

My job search, illustrated by my illustrious LOLZ KATZ

So I'm gathering my documents together in anticipation of sending out a shitstorm's worth of resumes and cover letters in the next few days.

This means I'm looking for people that are ACTUALLY hiring. Which actually means that I'm sending out a shitton of resumes to ALL THE LAWYERS.

If this demand doesn't work, I'll probably be forced to pull out the big guns.

I've got all the qualities someone should want when hiring a law clerk/associate/gopher bitch:

1) I'm good at giving orders.

2) I'm a hard worker.

3) I am well-groomed.

Considering the state of the economy, I'm not going to hold my breath.

Now please excuse me while I sit in front of the mirror and repeat my special mantra.

Back that ass up

2011 was a good year. 2012 is going to be even better. 

Because I said so, dammit. 

I've been spending a lot of time doing nothing the past couple of weeks. And when I say nothing, I mean not even feeding myself (although I have, admittedly, been showering). With the new year comes new responsibilities, however, and there are some big changes I am looking forward to in 2012. In 2012, I graduate from law school. I will hopefully pass the Bar. I will also hopefully land a job. That is a shit ton of hoping, children.

With a new job presumably comes a move. I'm not sure where I am moving. I am not sure if I will even be hired. Which means I'm designating 2012 as:

THE YEAR OF THE BACKUP....

A backup plan if things don't work out how they should. A backup plan to ensure my continued sanity. A backup plan that somehow doesn't involve my parents paying for my bills and gas.

Because we all know that stripping is a totally legitimate backup plan, right?

Right??????

Lucy in the Sky with Cubic Zirconium

This week was pretty much the week from Hell. I had a shitton of stuff I had to make happen, including a few interviews for externships next semester, a presentation for one of my classes, and a gazillion client interviews that somehow had to take place. But somehow I got through it and it's now Friday and I'm sitting in my house clutching two bags of Goodwill purchases and rocking myself like a baby preparing to make dinner like a big kid. (Okay, I did go to Goodwill.)

The most interesting thing to take place this week was probably one of the interviews for a judicial externship. I went in and introduced myself and the judge (who I have NEVER EVER MET BEFORE) said it was nice to see me again, effectively shaming me into a pool of self-doubt about whether we had, in fact, ever actually been introduced before. I maintain we hadn't. But I digress. After our standard repartee regarding why I want the externship and my studies (which I kinda like, because I always seem to have a new answer), we started to meander into other topics.

Like how she once represented a woman in a divorce proceeding who always smelled kinda funny and she never knew what the scent was. Until the lady was arrested for meth. (Oops for requesting child custody.)

Or how I had done an internship this summer and was scared shitless about the job and how much I anticipated hating it (I may have substituted in crap instead) and how I actually ended up loving it. (Maybe that's kinda relevant.)

Or how it's impossible for someone to overdose on LSD, and how the judge had always kinda wanted to try it, but figured she would have a flashback twenty years down the road in court and so she never did.

And how LSD is now being advocated for people suffering severe depression and it supposedly actually works.

And how anytime I smell pot, I want to barf all over the place and how I hate getting on the bus because I never know if the bus will smell like Reefer Joe over in the corner who just got done toking it up right before he boarded.

Oh, and how I saw pot the first time when I was in college and how I had a minor freakout.

And how she knew kids that smoked pot all the time in law school and once they pulled it out in front of her and she also had a minor freakout.

We then agreed that legalizing drugs wasn't necessarily a problem, since the people who are going to try heroin are going to do it regardless of whether it's legal or not, and we just don't want to have to deal with people doing it in public.

Yes, people, I spent approximately 25.3465 minutes of a 30 minute interview discussing drugs...with a circuit judge.

She offered me the externship the next morning. And naturally I accepted.

I'm pretty sure this cover letter covers it all......

Click on it to make it bigger. Happy Hump Day.

--Dr. J

Shoes may just make the lawyer

Today I learned about the wonders of drunk driving representation. And by learned, I mean obsessed over the speaker's killer leopard print strappy heels while questioning how well they would go over in court (this lady obviously runs six miles every day and has never worn sunscreen in her life). I'll leave it to your imagination....

A few things she said, I got. YES, the state DOES have to prove the case. YES, sometimes scummy people will walk when they were obviously loaded and driving around. And YES, the youtube videos can be quite amusing at times. (Her favorite is attached at the bottom of this post.)

Others, I am not so clear about, either ethically or from a legal standpoint, including: 1) Why the state would use cameras in vehicles if it makes it that much easier to get a drunk person relieved of their charges; 2) Why the state finds it necessary to keep both DUI and DWI on the books (I vaguely remember her saying something about how the offenses play out but again.....shoes); 3) How refusing to blow gets your license suspended for six months, but if you go into court and are found not guilty of the charges, it most likely gets dismissed, and MOST IMPORTANTLY:

4) Why the fuck I can't manage to get out of a damn speeding ticket.

First week of classes? THAT'S OKAY!

I like linking up with Neely and Amber for It's Okay Thursday.....especially because I sometimes need that reassurance. ;)

It's okay....

to refuse to get out of bed until you get your eight hours of sleep.

to eat string cheese and a fiber bar for breakfast.

for you to purposefully skip your period using BC because you don't want to have one for your birthday.

to think Casey Anthony is pretty even though she's probably a very twisted individual.

to shop for your Halloween costume in August.

to want to kick 2Ls in the head just for being 2Ls.

to wear a Transformers t-shirt and a Jagermeister keychain around your neck at the same time and still demand respect because YOU ARE A 3L.

when ALL YOUR FLORESCENT LIGHTBULBS GO OUT AT ONCE (5 years my ass).

to keep every single shoebox your shoes have ever come in (never know when you might need them).

to go on cleaning purges so severe that your stomach actually hurts at the thought of them.

to stuff your dog's Kong with turkey so she will let you blog uninterrupted for ten minutes.

to mumble comments under your breath about marriage, divorce, maiming unfaithful spouses, and how the law is wrong during your DR class.

I have dubious tastes....but IT'S OKAY

I normally don't do linkups, because I'm not a huge part of the blogging community, being that I'm new and all. However, today, I found one to be worthwhile thanks to Ty and Neely. So without further ado, here it is....

IT'S OKAY.....

to want to dropkick people that have pictures of themselves "planking" (when they really are just laying there like a friggin' piece of wood).

to expect children to say thank you, please, ma'am and sir, and excuse me.

to occasionally eat chocolate for breakfast....

that you were 23 before you properly learned to spell the word "judgment".... (and it took law school to do it).

when it storms....and you just washed your car....by hand....

to wish really bad Karma on really bad people under your breath.

to delete people from Facebook on the basis that they don't know the difference between your/you're; two/to/too; and their/there/they're...

to have 19 little black dresses hanging in your closet...

to laugh at your own jokes.

to spend all day watching Law and Order, SVU marathons....(have I mentioned they are ALL on Netflix?!!??!?!)

to not bathe because you're watching a marathon of Law and Order, SVU marathons and you can't shower fast enough to do it in a commercial break....

to secretly like the song "Chicken Fried."

to want to grow up to be a movie star AND a lawyer.

Meet Calvin

My little brother, who I have fondly nicknamed Calvin due to his insatiable appetite for the Calvin and Hobbes comic strips (although now he also claims he loves Garfield as well), was not raised in the church. You'll find that this is in direct conflict with my upbringing (see previous post about my thoughts on marriage). My parents also apparently decided they were tired when they brought him into this world, and decided to not beat his ass anytime he acted up. And since he was raised around a household of adults/young adults, his vocabulary is heads and shoulders above other kids of his age. Oh yeah, and he also likes to do different impressions of movie characters (including, but not limited to the three little Bavarian pigs from Shrek).

What does this add up to? A kid who is entirely too smart for his own good, and who should probably get spanked more often than he does. And pretty funny on top of it all.

One such conversation which proves how succinct (and unintentionally endearing) he can be:

Me: How do you get to heaven?
Calvin: You die.
Me: Close enough.

I'm looking into vacation bible schools in the area. Especially since he's also taken up imitating a demon voice while saying "Praise me." (He got it from some weird TMZ prank in which a woman was punked in an operating room by the emergence of a demon-like midget with horns and a tail.)

Yep. Have I ever mentioned we aren't heatherns heathens?

As Miss California USA likes to define it: gay marriage v. "opposite" marriage

I promised you conflicting views regarding my thoughts on marriage. I've shown  you I'm quite conservative with regard to my thoughts of the actual institution of marriage....but I'm completely and utterly liberal when it comes to the applicability. You see, I don't see how being gay makes any difference when it comes to honoring marriage vows. I don't see how offering them the same rights as us people wanting to engage in "opposite marriage" would degrade the institution at all--our divorce rate is already 50% and I'm pretty sure gay people are just as capable as the straights as having loving, monogamous, life-long marriages. So, why do I think the whole gay marriage argument is a drain on our resources when we could be focusing our considerable energies elsewhere? Let me explain....

First and foremost, marriage is not strictly a religious commitment. A wedding can be a religious ceremony, but people have been getting married far before the dawn of Christianity ever presumed to classify marriage as having religious ties. Marriage has a colorful and sometimes ridiculous history, and much of it is inapplicable today. It used to be people married for economic reasons. In many cultures, women were treated as chattel, and were often given to the highest bidder or the person with the most beneficial familial ties. Apparently, though, (from my hurried reading on the subject) the engagement ring seems to present across the board--from as far back as ancient Rome, it was thought that the roundness symbolized eternity, or a union that would last forever. It was also thought that the left finger (the "ring finger") had a vein that ran directly to the heart. Perhaps most significant, and what I think renders the religious fundamentalists' arguments moot, is the fact that even if people are married in a church, they still are not recognized as married by the state until they fill out the paperwork and make it official. The eyes of God and the eyes of the law are completely different beasts, people.

Apparently, same-sex unions do have a long history, and it is believed that such unions were celebrated in ancient Greece and Rome, some regions of China, and ancient Europe. According to Wiki (my favoritest source, y'all), "The first documented same-sex marriage was between the two men Pedro Díaz and Muño Vandilaz in the Galician municipality of Rairiz de Veiga in Spain on April 16, 1061. They were married by a priest at a small chapel. The historic documents about the church wedding were found at Monastery of San Salvador de Celanova.^[60]"

 Many people compare denying gay people the right to marry to the now antiquated (and thankfully so) taboo that used to be associated with interracial marriage. It's true: many of the same arguments the anti-gay marriage movement is using are the same arguments advanced two hundred and fifty years ago...and even less than fifty years ago regarding interracial marriage.  "The children stand to lose" or "the Bible says it is abominable" or "it's unnatural" or (my personal favorite) "it's against the law." Now, with one in every 15 marriages deemed as interracial, a lot of people have forgotten these arguments. I, unfortunately, have heard them as recently as a few years ago, because I come from a small town of often uneducated people.

I guess what I'm trying to say is I sincerely hope that the Supreme Court of the United States holds laws against gay marriage as unconstitutional. Arkansas has already gone a step in the right direction when it held that the laws regarding gay people adopting were unconstitutional. I'm hoping I can one day tell my children how gay people were refused this right, and they be shocked and disbelieving. I hope for a future people are allowed to marry the person they love, regardless of whether they are the same sex as them.

I hope for a future where "gay marriage" and "opposite marriage" don't exist....just marriage does.

Conservative upbringing, liberal application, moderate success

I grew up in the deep south, where most people I know consider "liberal" to be a dirty word (including my father, Danny, although I won't go into that). I was raised in the Baptist church, largely synonymous with Bible-thumping, brimstone preaching, and evangelical savings in the summer. I was dunked in eighth grade, STILL have t-shirts with my 6-year old handprints on it from Vacation Bible School, and drew the line in the sand regarding racism prevalent in our youth group in ninth grade. My parents brought me up in a small town, and I had the same elementary teachers as my father. My hometown, to this day, celebrates a Civil War reenactment once a year where men march for 20 miles to get to the battle field, ride horses while shooting pretend guns, and blow up the pond (rain or shine). I have gotten lost in the woods in my backyard, had poison ivy more times than I could count, and nursed baby animals back to health with my parents' help. I've gotten my ass whooped by my parents (who didn't pretend that this was going to hurt them more than it was going to hurt me), and on occasion, had to pick out Cyd's switch while he picked out mine after particularly nasty rounds of fisticuffs. I grew up with everyone knowing my name, in a tolerant family who didn't use race as a determinative factor of character, and will be the first lawyer in my entire family.

I'm proud of my roots, and I carry a lot of the same views as my parents. However, some of my views are inherently different than theirs, though we try not to hold it against each other. My dad and I, for the sake of not fighting, do not argue about religion or politics, because nothing good will ever come out of it (Danny is a birther, and apparently thinks Obama is from Africa, even after the "fake" birth certificate was released--not going to touch that with a ten foot pole). I didn't vote for Obama...I'm more of a Hillary kind of person, myself, which my dad will never.ever.get. My mother is more liberal than my father, but still drives me crazy because she doesn't believe in donating her organs because they might kill her for her body parts (and always thinks she's right, but again, not going to touch that). Regardless, I'm thankful for them allowing me to make my own decisions and form my own viewpoints, which is more than most kids have going for them.

I began this particular blog to discuss the issue of marriage, but instead, I think I'm going to use it as a prologue for the next couple of days' entries. I'll use it to preface my thoughts regarding a few different topics I believe in, and let it stand as is.

Unlike many moderates/liberals, I'm not ashamed of my conservative background. I may not be jumping on a tea party bandwagon, but I definitely think there's a lot to be learned from either side of the party lines, and am glad I was raised with an open mind and the chance to cut past the partisan bullshit. It's important to have a dialogue in order to grow, and I have the chance to engage in that dialogue every time I go home.

Thanks, Danny and Maxine, even if I sometimes think you're kinda crazy.

Window sleeping

My dog is currently propped on my windowsill snoring loud enough to wake the dead. It took her a very long time to learn to love her cushion (read: she tore it up the first day we left it in her kennel and I had to methodically sew it back together again), but now that she does, I'm able to make full use of my bed to pile books at my feet and prep for finals. I think I'd prefer her body making my feet fall asleep.

I'm also contemplating going to church for Easter. Here is my conundrum: having been raised in the south and brought up with traditional southern Baptist ways (to this day I will NOT get into political conversations with my father, and I still vividly recall that one day my brother said to him "what if there is NO GOD?"), I believe in going to church for this occasion. The past couple of years, though, I've primarily been attending a Catholic church with the boyfriend. However, Catholic churches don't allow members of different types of churches (aka: the heathen Baptists) to receive the Communion. I would like to eat Jesus today. I'd also like to sip on his blood. (Okay, maybe I am a heathen Baptist.) I do NOT feel like attending a morning service. The Baptists don't believe in doing Sunday evening services where you attend in blue jeans like the "heathern" Catholics (until I was 16, I thought the word had an R in it, due to the truly trashy southern way of pronouncing this word).

So should I suck it up, put on a dress (no pants in a Baptist church), and brave the rain at 11:00 this morning so I can actually receive Communion? Should I continue studying for law school finals (henceforth called LSF) and attend the Catholic service at a place I feel comfortable going, even though I am unable to take Communion? Or should I drop by the grocery store, buy myself a bottle of wine (a nod to the Catholics) and some Hawaiian bread (a nod to the Baptists--you southern Baptists know exactly what I'm talking about), and offer up a prayer from the sanctity of my apartment?

Thoughts?

(And one of these days, I will explain my break from the Baptist church, although you've probably read a little into it considering I'm borderline liberal and completely disgusted by narrow-minded people. You find narrow-minded, racist, and unrelenting Conservatives in abundance within the SBC.)