Comic Movie Reviews #1

When I heard there was going to be a Punisher movie, the following thoughts ran throught my head:

"It's probably going to suck."
"John Travolta's in it? It's definitely going to suck."
"Wait, Travolta's the bad guy. The Punisher kills bad guys."
"Hmm, maybe this won't be so bad after all."

So I went to see it, and I was pretty happy with the experience. I certainly enjoyed it more than Kill Bill Vol. 2, which came out the same week. In fact, if there comes a day when it feels like they have to update the Punisher's origin, this would be a pretty good way to go; a guy with counter-terrorism experience, rather than Vietnam.

It sets the situation up well, certainly gives Frank his reason to go after Howard Saint's organization, and I think you see Frank sort of learning on the job. He gets in a car wreck, he gets beaten nearly to death by a huge Russian guy (more on him later), he drinks, which I think was to not only forget his family, but to distance himself from the things he had done. In a way, the movie was like Batman Begins: We see what starts the character on his path, and we watch him try to grow into the role he's taking on. Sure it wasn't as good, but that isn't entirely fair. Batman Begins had Morgan Freeman (someday I will discuss my Morgan Freeman Corollary).

If there is one thing I like in my action movies, it's creative violence, which The Punisher had plenty of. The anti-personnel mine on the string, placed in the hand of Travolta's son. Blowing up Howard Saint's car dealership (I don't think the explosions should have formed the skull symbol, however). That car he had (man, I wish that hadn't got totaled). And oh yeah, the fight with the Russian. While it couldn't compare to the one from the comics, I would put it up there as one of my three favorite movies fights of all time, with the Thunderdome battle between Mad Max and Blaster, and the fight on top of the tank in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade. The level of creative violence, with Frank trying every weapon or trick he had hidden in his apratment, and the Russian just coming right on, using. . . whatever he feels like hitting Frank with. I just wish we could have had the comedy of the Russian telling Frank he is the president of the Smolensk Daredevil Fan Club. Then he could talk about how bad Daredevil was.

I kind of wish there had been more time to get to know Frank's neighbors, for those who hadn't read the comics. Still, I feel they did a pretty good job of showing us the personalities of each, and giving us some idea how these people interact, support, and rely on each other, a luxury Frank doesn't feel he has.

And there were some funny moments. The fight with the Russian, when Frank tries to pull out the revolver, and the Russian smashes it with a barbell, bending the barrel. There's a moment where Frank just sits there, staring at the gun, with this "Now what?" look on his face. The 'torture', of Frank's soon to be snitch and helper, with the blowtorch and the popsicle. Dave and Mr. Bumpo's reactions around Frank. Frank's confrontation with Joan's loser ex-boyfriend. Howard Saint getting gutshot, tied to a car, and then being dragged through his dealership as it blows up around him. Well, maybe that was only funny to me.

One thing I seriously did not like: Harry Heck. I don't mind other hired killers being sent after Frank, but the singing in the diner, damn, that was just irritating. I would have rather Frank got attacked by some Aussie named "Boomerang".

It wasn't perfect, but for a budget of $33 million it was pretty damn close. X-Men 3 will be lucky to be this good, and it's got a budget five times that size. I know money isn't everything, but for that much, a movie has to be awesome. As for me, I'm eagerly awaiting the sequel. I think Frank should be a little more competent now, sustain fewer injuries. He probably won't have a permanent base, and if he does, it won't be as easy to find. At least, I hope he's learned the importance of that. I give The Punisher, 4 "Dead Saint Family Members" out of 5.

Character Archetypes #1: Peter Parker

If you're like me, there are probably certain types of characters you gravitate towards. For whatever reason, their stories interest you, moreso than other characters'. I thought I'd do a few posts about the different types that appeal to me. In this case, I'm probably going to be combining American comics with anime/manga, as I've seen some carryover.

So it only seemed natural to start with my favorite character of all: Spider-Man. What you see here is the cover to the first Spider-Man book I ever read. I'll be honest, my original reason for liking Spider-Man was twofold. One, like Scipio alluded to in his post on Sunday, Spider-Man has an incredible variety of powers. He's not the fastest, strongest, smartest, but the combination of all his powers and skills means he has a chance against just about anybody. Second, that black costume just looked so damn cool. I thought it would be totally awesome, to be hiding in the shadows, up on the ceiling, then just drop down, scare somebody. Plus, Spidey was a bit of a smart aleck, which I readily identify with, being one myself.

This was actually a really good place to jump on because the next part of the story, the Beyonder pretty much lays it all out for you with regards to Peter Parker, the person. He worries, he ties himself up in knots over stuff that wasn't his fault, things he couldn't control, but at the end of the day, he thinks things are going to be alright, and if he can, he's going to help make things that way. That just seemed very unusual to me, as the only comics I'd read before that were my dad's Supermans and Batmans from the '60s. And I had never seen those people struggle with money, or have to repaint their home because some punks burned it up. And they almost never seemed to doubt themselves. On the rare occasions they did, it was something an enemy was doing to them, and it was over by the end of the issue, when they defeated the villain. So Peter, who often had real-life problems, seemed that much more approachable to a five-year old.

Yeah, he stopped the Beyonder from destroying everything, or the Puma from killing an innocent person, but he didn't get any pictures, which means his rent will be late, which means he's in trouble. Since then, I always seem to gravitate towards characters with those sorts of problems (it helps if they look cool or have cool powers).

Speedball was a goofy kid, one with seemingly academic talent, but no real desire to use it. Stuck in the middle of a couple of parents who seemed to constantly fight. Kyle Rayner was just a guy that got handed this awesome weapon, and was told to help save the universe. Plus the whole thing with his love life (well-documented elsewhere). Hey no pressure. Darkhawk (who looked Very cool) was stuck in a single parent household, with a father who had vanished under odd circumstances. Like Peter, he was trying to help the family, unlike Peter, he had the additional strain of younger siblings to watch out for. Tim Drake, who wasn't wearing the shorts, who had a cool staff, was dating, was trying to keep an eye on an injured father, and at the time his ongoing started, was working with an armored up lunatic that called himself Batman (I think it's kind of funny that Batman seems to have moved a lot closer to what Jean Paul was doing, which was part of why Bruce took the title back). The Ray (who looked VERY damn cool), who had been trapped inside his whole life, then finds out he has powers, then his dad pops up as a 'ghost', and tells him he has to be a hero. And now Ray has to adjust to trying to have a real life outdoors, with jobs and bills, and the fact he hasn't ever really known anything about his life.

Ultimately, I guess the common denominator is they're all close to my age (or closer than the Tony Starks and Bruce Waynes), and they all had problems that I could easily envision both interfering with attempts to be a hero, and that wouldn't be easily resolved because of the superhero aspect.

I don't suppose that's anything all that surprising or unique, seeing as that was the whole idea that Kirby, Lee, Ditko, etc., were going for with Spider-Man, make him accessible to young readers, but I did want to start with an easy one.

Random Comic Thoughts from this Week's titles

Blech. I need a better name for this than that mess. Maybe it should fall under "Things I think About". Oh well. Just some questions and random impressions from the week, now that I got that whole "mutant" thing out of my system:

1) I'm worried Starfire won't survive Infinite Crisis. I glanced through what I think was the most recent Outsiders. Her sister, who I take it doesn't like her any better in the comic than she does in the cartoon, is there, extra powerful and looking unfriendly. I hope I'm wrong, because I would really like to see Starfire in Teen Titans when One Year Later kicks off. Nightwing doesn't seem to be in a bad place (at least if IC is to be believed) and that was the whole reason she left the Titans, to keep an eye on him. I guess I'm just paranoid. I start thinking Batgirl might be OK, so now I'm thinking "Which other character I like is DC gonna take instead?"

2) If Cassandra Cain is a living member of the Birds of Prey at the start of OYL, I will buy the title regardless of quality. Come on Didio, I'm not asking for her to still be Batgirl (though I ask why she couldn't be), just that she still be alive. Work with me here!

As for books I actually bought:

Robin #146: What was with those sores on Conner's body? I can't figure his body would start devouring itself in select circular patterns here and there, though it is better for him than his body eating his own heart.

Robin mentioned a program he made that determines how difficult a place is to break into, on a scale of 10. There were 3 tens: The JLA Watchtower (oops, never mind), something in Washington D.C., and something that moves, and was in Coast City at that moment. What is the thing that keeps moving?

Ultimate Spider-Man #89: Is there a reason to have S.H.I.E.L.D. except as cannon fodder? I mean, they are constantly getting shown up. If it isn't six of Spidey's enemies escaping from a prison designed to hold them, it's Norman Osborn managing to hide Harry's "abilities" from the lab guys. Or it's Magneto escaping, or anything that's happening in The Ultimates. I know I said it when I reviewed this book, but I do not feel confident in S.H.I.E.L.D.'s ability to stop Gah'Lak'Tus.

Exiles #76: Should I be expecting the Dr. Doom of 2099 to catch up to and absorb Proteus' abilities at some point? Doom stole the Beyonder's power, and compared to that Proteus is like a firecracker.

New Avengers #15: Would Jameson really have broken his word like that? Saying he will ease off Spidey for exclusive access, then turning around and broadcasting that arrangement to the world.

I mean he lied to CAPTAIN AMERICA! Isn't that considered treason?

Also, doesn't this mean Joe Robertson quit? He told JJJ, 'Say yes or I quit.' Jonah ended up going back on the deal, so I guess Robbie has some people offering him jobs now. Good, now let's see the Bugle fall apart, and Jonah have to crawl to get Robbie back.

And really, why can't Warbird be on the Avengers? I mean, besides Cap, Iron Man, and I would say Spidey, none of the others have proven themselves as much as her. That includes Luke and Jessica, and I'm really glad they're on the team.

Spider-Man and the Black Cat #6: One more time, why did Kevin Smith add rape into Felicia's origin? I would say that when a book is as late as this one has been that your goal should be to take what Chris has described as the Geoff Johns approach: comfort food. Don't go for the home run, just give the fans what they want. Some fighting, the hero wins, his friend is safe, maybe she gets to do some ass-kicking too. Just a simple superhero story. Do NOT add elements of rape to a story that didn't need it!

Wolverine #38: I'm sorry, was there anything to this issue?

Amazing Spider-Man #528: What was the point of Peter being sick? The first four issues of The Other, they made a big deal about how Peter was sick, and there was nothing anyone could do, in the realm of science of magic, to fix it. He was weaker than normal, and then Morlun attacked, and skin was shed, and Spider-creatures showed up, and it just got dropped.

From a biological standpoint it made sense for Morlun to attack when Peter wasn't at 100%. That's how it works in nature, predators attack the weaker individuals. The young that aren't full-grown, or the old, or the sick, or the injured. But there wasn't any need for that in this story. Morlun showed the first time around he was fully capable of kicking Spidey's ass even if Peter is at full strength. Peter won that fight on a gamble that paid off. The sickness was unnecessary. This one has been bugging me for awhile.

If you have answers to any of these, please help the world (meaning me) to understand.

On Marvel's Mutants and Biology, Part 2

There are two problems for me when talking about inheritance. One, genetics is not my field of study. Two, I don't have a real good idea if the secret behind mutants has been throughly revealed. As far as I can remember, there is this one gene, with two possible alleles. Get one allele, you're Homo sapiens. Get the other, congratulations, you're Homo superior! You now have a lifetime of hatred, fear, mistrust, and attempts on your life to look forward to! So based on that assumption, I'm trying to figure out whether mutants should have powers similar to, or vastly different from their siblings, and/or parents. I mean, I don't know that it's ever been discussed why one mutant gets skin that sheds every four hours, while another gets enough telekinetic power to lift a mountain, as well as an annoying inability to stay dead.

I mentioned the Guthrie's in the previous post, so let's take a look at them. Their mother is apparently human. Their father, who knows? Prior to joking about Apocalypse, I suggested it might be Mimic, except I find out today he wasn't a mutant. Len suggested tampering by Mr. Sinister, and that they could become his new Marauders. Whatever the case, look at these powers.

Sam can form a "blast field" around himself and others, rendering himself invulnerable, as well as allowing him to fly.

Paige can change the composition of her skin to steel, rubber, rock, etc.

Jeremy has wings like Archangel's, a healing factor, and hypersonic vocal cords that make him a really good singer.

Little Guthrie (Josh?) can shoot beams from his eyes, which can burn things. I mean, what's the common denominator here, people?

Compare that to the Greys. Jean is a telepath/telekinetic. Her daughter Rachel? Telepath/telekinetic. Her son, Nathan? Telepath/telekinetic. Meanwhile, neither of them seems to have inherited their father's powers. Maybe that has something to do with being time-displaced?

Magneto has one daughter that had his powers. Another one could run real fast, a third could alter probabilities, and the fourth, who is dead, was human. Their mother was human. I just don't get how it works.

I suppose ultimately, that the best explanation would be that the key to mutation doesn't lie on just one gene. That it actually involves several different genes, like eye color, perhaps one that determines whether you are a mutant, and activates the ones that determine your powers.

It's just somehow, it all seems meesed up. I mean I know siblings can be very different or similar to each other, likewise between parents and children. For whatever reason, mutation just seems like it would be something that would stay fairly similar within a family line.

Am I just overthinking this?

On Marvel's Mutants and Biology

I'm a biology major, which is probably the only reason this occurs to me.

Apocalypse vs. Dracula. That's what put me on this path. I haven't seen a very positive response to it out here in the blogosphere, but Len at the store seems pretty excited for it. We were discussing Apocalypse on Friday and how Len feels Marvel just doesn't quite get what they claim Apocalypse's motivation is: Survival of the fittest. Len argued that Apocalypse wouldn't just kill a bunch of humans, he would use them, draw the bio-energy from the bodies, Matrix-style, so that they could be of some use to those more deserving of life than themselves.

Len discussed how Marvel understands the idea enough to use it as an excuse for a lot of mutant battles, supposedly to determine who is more "fit", but that up until now they had missed the other aspect of fitness: reproduction. Like one of my professors says, "The only things in life that matter are food and sex. You eat the food to get big and strong and get all the babes and have lots of copulations." Sadly, he's not the oddest person in our biology department. But he's right, producing offspring shows how viable your genetics are for the population, because obviously you survived long enough to reproduce, which other individuals can't say, for whatever reason (illness, sterility, death, unimpressive secondary sexual characteristics).

The reason this came up is because apparently we'll be meeting Apocalypse's offspring in this story. Len's theory is that Dracula is killing them, and Apocalypse is perhaps none too pleased with that. Which makes sense; Dracula is disrupting Apocalypse's propagation of his DNA. Plus, if he's strong enough to kill those 'children' (who knows how old they are), then he might be a challenge to Apocalypse's plans, so it might just be time to deal with that.

But still Marvel comes up short. Supposedly, they said that the first born is the one closest to Apocalypse, and therefore the most fit. This had me and Len, who's also in the bio department, both slapping our foreheads saying, "No, it doesn't work like that". The discussion of the children lead to my joke that they're the Gutherie family, which has at least four mutants, all of which have wildly different powers, and have no father in sight, at least none I've ever seen. But that's a discussion for. . . later today, I think.

DC doesn't seem to have an analogue for this, except maybe Ra's, but he seems less about survival of the fittest, and more just about reversing overpopulation. I figure it's because in DC, most powers seem to come from being an alien, or being involved in some sort of magic/accident/experiment. Maybe, I'm wrong, but 'mutants' seem much more rare at DC. Well, maybe they aren't more rare in DC after House of M, but prior to that, when mutants were following biological protocol and outcompeting normal humans, thus leading to their continual increase in numbers, to the point they had devloped their own subculture. Oh yeah, one more thing.

Who the hell told Disney they could make a sequel to Bambi?

Not Quite The Last Thing I'd See Myself Talking About, But. . .

I'm posting about costume changes, and remarkably it's not Spider-Man's. First, the backstory.

I'm cruising Absorbascon. Scipio has provided four new entrees for Galact. . . I mean four new characters for the Marvel Universe. Below that he links to all the previous donations. I admit, I hadn't read them all, so when I see Starfire, I'm a little surprised. I like Starfire. I like the one in the cartoon better, but that's because I've seen her more often. My experience with the comic version is probably less than 20 issues, hasn't really given me enough depth with the character. Anyway, Scip had a lot of reasons for not liking her, most of which are irrelevant to me. Yeah, she has a trail of energy flowing from her hair, and yes, she shoots energy out of her clenched fists, instead of an open hand. So what? I can't figure any reason why Superman has heat vision or x-ray vision. Superpowers often don't make sense. Back to the topic.

Scipio ragged on the costume (uniform? outfit?) she wears, and I have to admit, he's right. it's just absurd, and this is coming from a guy who has played the stupid, drooling fanboy more than once. Prior to his post, I didn't know about her life as a slave girl, so I'd never really understood about the significance of it, or why she'd wear that, other than the creators were guys (which I'd figure is the real reason, but still). So she needs something different.

Now this is where you come in. Because I have very little artistic ability, and less fashion sense, so me designing her a new outfit, is probably not wise. But let's set things up.

1), She needs more clothes. It doesn't have to be be head-to-toe coverage I don't think, but it should probably be near what she has on the cartoon. Personally, I kind of like that outfit, but it feels too young for comic book Starfire somehow.

2) She doesn't need armor. She's not invulnerable, but she's resilient enough that armor is kind of redundant. Plus, would armor interfere with her ability to absorb energy?

3) No capes! With that hair, she doesn't really need a cape, unless you're going to cut the hair, and even then, as a warrior, you think she would understand the danger of wearing something that can be grabbed and used to spin you around and fling you into buildings. Look at Wonder Woman. Top notch warrior, no cape (usually).

4) I like the color, what is that, lavender? Like Aquaman and orange, not many people can make that work, and I think she's one of them.

5) I think the boots and the arm gauntlets (yeah, they're probably just gloves, but 'gauntlets' sounds cooler) are fine.

Anyway, I'm kind of thinking something like the Jim Lee drawn Psylocke only with the different colors, plus maybe some designs that might reflect Tamaranian culture (is there any of that shown in the comics anywhere?) I mean, obviously that's not heavy coverage, but it's an improvement and besides, baby steps people.

But, like I said, I have no clue what I'm talking about when it comes to designs. Help me out. Maybe we get some artwork from people, we can let the people who read this blog decide what looks best. Then we march on DC's offices! How's 10 on Saturday on sound?

Today, On Calvin's Blog. . .

We steal stuff from X-Play! For those who don't know, X-Play is a show on G4 that reviews video games with lowbrow humor. Well, sometimes they go higher, like their "1st Annual H.P. Lovecraft Spelling Bee", but mostly, fart jokes. Which is fine, it's video games, not 19th Century English literature (thank goodness). It's beloved by all my friends, except Tevion, who won't watch it because he's in love with Morgan Webb. He fears he'll get drunk and depressed during the show and decide to drive to California and abduct Morgan. I don't know what he's worried about. When he's drunk, he can't master the simple concept of sitting in a chair, so making it to his car, starting it, and driving over 1,000 miles? Forget it.

One of their single best creations, is Roger, The Stan Lee Experience! He's the fifth best thing to actually getting Stan Lee to make commentary while reviewing The Incredible Hulk: Ultimate Destruction! He imparts upon us great stories from the old days like:

'Kirby (pronounced Koiby) walks into my office and pitches the idea for the Fantastic Four. I said "That's the dumbest idea I ever heard! Get the fuck out of my office!" Not five seconds later, I copyright the idea and the money rolls in like gangbusters. Kirby never got a cent. What a dumbass.'

It's funny because it's probably distrubingly close to the truth. So now, because I'm lazy, I present my five favorite Rogerisms:

'So I call Kirby into my office to pitch the idea for Galactus. I say "He's a big purple guy, who has to eat planets to sustain life, kind of like how I fucked your wife." The analogy didn't hold up, but Kirby, he got the message.'

'So I'm fucking Kirby's wife, when he walks into the office, and we just freeze, and we're all standing there looking at each other, and that was how we came up with the idea for The Moleman."

'So I call Ditko into my office to talk about how he's drawing Mary Jane. I tell him "Draw her more like this", and show him a naked picture of his wife sitting on my lap. He says, "Stan, that's my wife!" I say, "Yeah, your kid took the picture." He drew the best Mary Jane.'

'Excelsior! That means "DC's for douchebags".' (Note: from 1988 through 2000, I whole-heartedly agreed with that sentiment, even if I'd never heard the word 'douchebag'. Depending on how Batgirl ends, I may adopt that philosophy again)

And finally. . .

'We used to prank call Bob Kane. We'd say we was the real Batman, and we was gonna kill him for stealing our idea. Then we'd throw a rock through his window.'

I told you it was mostly lowbrow. Something more substantive tomorrow, I hope.