My Daily Bedlam and the Ghosts of the Lost Regiment

I have fallen quite behind on my blogging lately.  I have also fallen behind on my blog reading.  The world of haunted and dark blogs I usually keep up with has been lost in the fog of chaos that is my life.  This is not surprising since I can hardly keep up with the laundry and making sure I have all my clothes on right side in lately.  It is my goal over the next few weeks to pull things back together and start keeping up with things again, but I offer my apologies in the meantime. 

Several things have kept me away from my blog over the last several weeks.  One of the largest things was Haunted Chattanooga.  I have been working slowly on this book for History Press for a while and procrastinating with all the power in me.   The deadline was this month and all my procrastination caught up with me.  I had to write the book.  Thank God Amy Petulla of Chattanooga Ghost Tours is my co-author, because she saved me on this one.  She was organized and knew the ghost lore of Chattanooga like the back of her hand.  Besides writing her own portion of the book, she helped me pull my portion together in a way that actually made sense.  So I've been buried in ghost stories, but unable to write here.   A few other things have slowed me down a little.  My dog had puppies, which has kept me very busy, and I'm pregnant and the waves of morning sickness have been bad enough for me to take a few months off work to lay in bed and wonder why I thought having children might be a good idea. 

I've met my deadline now and I'm feeling a little better and I'm determined to catch up.  I want to catch up on my blog writing and reading.   For now, here is a small taste of Haunted Chattanooga in the form of one small tale from Lookout Mountain.  There are many, many ghost stories from Lookout Mountain, but this is one of my favorites.

It is not surprising that the Civil War left its fair share of ghosts behind on Lookout Mountain.  Many battles and skirmishes were fought in the mountain's massive shadow.  So many men died in the mountain's shadow that the soldier's sorrow has left an imprint in the stone. One of the more famous ghost stories of the mountain is a about a group of Union soldiers that got lost while fighting in the skirmishes at the base of the mountain. They became so lost that they wandered away from the battle to the other side of the mountain. They had already seen combat, so as they wandered the mountain they lost blood, food and morale. This was only made worse when members of their group began to die. Unfriendly locals helped pick off the gang of lost men, driving them deeper into the woods and further into a state of panicked madness as they realized that they might not ever make it off the mountain alive. The last that was seen of this lost regiment, there were only seven Union soldiers left alive. They were last seen in Blanche, Alabama, heading up the mountain. Residents of the area still say that they see the ghosts of the regiment, however. They say that they hear the soldiers’ ghosts crying out in the night. They say that the ghosts of the lost regiment still wander the mountain, trying to find their way home.

When adults act like children....

I admit it: I can act like a child sometimes (Maxine can attest to this). Ultimately, though, I put on my big girl panties, take a deep breath, and approach the problem like a rational (grown up) person.

SO WHY CAN'T EVERYONE ELSE DO THE SAME DAMN THING????

Lawyers (and law students) are particularly guilty of behaving childishly. You see them bickering within briefs, participating in pissing contests at your local bar (generally these are not literal pissing contests although it would not surprise me), and stabbing each other behind their backs. Recently, I've been hit by the crazy train. Let me tell you something: I don't deal well with cray-cray. Most the time, I tell someone they are acting that way, and let's just say the crazy hits the fan. This most recent time, however, it's just not that easy to tell someone they are bat-shit crazy, because I'm afraid she might take her billyclub and break my kneecaps. Why you ask? Because she's assumed the role of child and mother (and no, this is not my mother we are talking about).

I deal even worse with someone who presumes to tell me what to do, especially when they are NOT my mother (and Maxine can tell you I don't like taking orders from her either). Especially when she goes behind my back and involves people in an effort to force me to bend to her will. Newsflash: coming to me first would have been the best idea. If I don't immediately answer your emails, it's because I'm trying to figure out a way to tell you that you're a fucking lunatic. A followup email is the correct gesture, not an email to people in charge of stuff telling them of my plans that have not been verified and that you have in store for me. Just so you know, I've contacted those people in charge, because I don't give a fuck about someone else's opinion of me (although maybe I should). Before it's all over, I will out you and your craziness, and you will hopefully learn your lessons: (1) to communicate in a non-crazy manner; (2) to check before you assume; (3) to not fuck with me.

If you are in a position of power, then so be it. I, however, am NOT your minion. I am not your Igore. I am NOT your Bonnie. And I am not your bitch.

Turning To Crime

A few weeks ago I found out that, after coming third in Nottingham Writers' Club autumn short story competition, I actually won the winter one. The brief was to write a crime story with the theme of 'Identity'. Judging the competition was author Stephen Booth who has written a series of crime novels.

I have to admit that, when I submitted my entry, I wasn't sure if it would appeal to an established crime writer. My story was based on a lone hit-man rather than being a conventional cops versus criminals tale. As it turns out I must have done something right.

Stephen Booth has written several novels set in Derbyshire so, living on the Notts/Derbys border, they are of particular interest to me. Descriptions of familiar countryside and the mention of real place names gives his stories an extra edge. His two main characters are a sergeant and constable rather than inspector and sergeant and so the action is centred at a lower level in the police hierarchy than many other series such as Morse and Frost. If you like crime or fancy a change from your usual genre then I recommend you give these a try.

The Ghosts of Fort Morgan

The Fort Morgan area has become a vacation spot.   Its beaches sit overlooking the Gulf of Mexico and tourists come from all over to watch the  Dolphins and dip their toes in the sand.  The sands of Fort Morgan carry an older, forgotten history, however. Most tourists will never know that the sands they play in were once soaked in blood.  

Fort Morgan began construction in 1812 and was finished in 1834 and was widely regarded as the "finest example f military architecture in the New World."   The fort was constructed in a unique star shape that made it easier to defend.    Fort Morgan and Fort Gaines sat on opposing sides of Mobile Bay and acted together to close the Bay off and defend the waters.

Fort Morgan saw heavy fire during the Civil War.  I was used defensively by the Confederates and was also a starting point for blockade running ships.  The Union took the Fort during the Battle of Mobile Bay.  After Fort Gaines fell, Union soldiers laid siege to the fort an set the wooden parts of the fort on fire.  Many men died in this battle and the Confederate soldiers did not meet happy ends.

It is not surprising that this old Fort has more than its fair share of ghosts.  It has a long history filled with war and fire.  The old barracks are said to be one of he most haunted portions of the fort..  In 1916 or 1917 a prisoner hung himself in the barracks.  According to local lore, you can still hear the hanging man cry late at night.   He is not alone in his sorrow.  During the Civil War, a bomb went off in the fort and several men met a horrible fiery death.   The bomb went off in a room with a big fireplace and they say you can still hear the men screaming at night.

The final ghost comes from an unconfirmed story of woe and sorrow.   They say that some time in 19th a young woman was drug into the fort by unknown men.  The woman was beaten, raped and murdered.  According to legend, she still wanders the Fort looking for justice. 

Oddly, I've been to the beaches at Fort Morgan on many occasions, but never visited the old Fort.   I hope to fix that mistake this summer on my visit.   The very shape of the old fort seems to lend itself to ghosts stories and call to spirits to stay and linger.   I can't believe I missed this little gem.

Casey Anthony Trial; Edition 1

Since this is one of the biggest trials in recent years, I'm going to be watching the proceedings and outcome with the eyes of a hawk, particularly because this case may result in a death penalty and has already opened with enough drama to comprise an entire Lifetime movie. I admit it: I already think this woman is as guilty as sin. However, I can also see her family as accomplices, and I think they are all shady as hell. I think after this case, charges will be levied against the grandparents; I think the prosecutor is just waiting because he doesn't want to screw with the jury's prospective of his witnesses.

That being said, I can also analyze this case from a purely intellectual standpoint, and I realize the state has to prove all elements beyond a reasonable doubt for this woman to be found guilty of murder. This is a tough burden, and if there is any doubt in a juror's mind, they CANNOT convict her of capital murder.

Which is why I think it's shitty the defense has claimed in their opening statement that Caylee Anthony died in an accidental drowning. It's shitty...and genius. By the time this child's body was found, the level of decomposition was certainly to the point that a drowning death would be impossible to determine. (If I'm not mistaken, you'd need lung tissue to show that, and I doubt a good sample of lung tissue remained to make this determination.) Then defense raises allegations that Casey Anthony was sexually assaulted by her father from the age of 8, which goes to show why she acted erratically in the time period after her daughter's disappearance.

All in all, this is a great opening argument. You cast doubt, you throw stones, you shift blame. You point fingers at everyone. You make the jurors feel sorry for the defendant. You confuse the issues. One fact remains, however:

This little girl is dead. Her body was dumped like trash in the woods. The meter reader found her. Regardless of whether or not her death was accidental, her mother lied to protect her own ass for SIX MONTHS and refused to identify the location of her child, or even that she had died. This little girl was treated, by all accounts, as a meaningless piece of garbage.

A lot of questions are going to be posed during this trial, and I'm not sure how the defense is planning to answer them. If this death was accidental, why did they not call authorities? How are they going to introduce anything about this accidental death without Casey Anthony testifying (which I think will be critical as to whether she receives the death penalty or not--they are now going to HAVE TO put her on the stand)? Why did authorities find duct tape over the child's mouth and nose? Why were searches found on Casey Anthony's computer regarding "neck breaking," "chloroform," and other ways to murder someone? And how the hell does the defense expect someone to believe that someone who has been sexually abuse would react to her daughter's death by going out to the clubs and pretending everything is all right? (There are plenty of sexual abuse survivors out there that I'm sure are shaking with rage over this defense as I type.)

This is the case of the decade. I predict the jury will find her guilty of murder and sentence her to life in prison. Regardless, it will not ever bring Caylee Anthony back, and that is truly tragic.

Legal Jargon 101

Something I was unaware of before I went to law school were "terms of art" (which, ironically, is a term of art, just so you know) related to the practice of law. Phrases people throw around on television and in everyday life are actually critical words in certain opinions, briefs, and issues. What others also don't realize is that the law assigns a certain meaning to words, regardless of what you intended them to mean. Unfortunately, my first run-in with the phrase "term of art" arose during a class with a teacher who was incoherent, if not completely hilarious, and he swiftly disposed of my questions with mockery and the Socratic method. The rest of my teachers automatically assumed I had wikipedia-ed it (my bad) and never explained it to me. It literally took me months to understand the concept, because EVERYONE ASSUMED WE ALL KNEW. Getting into law school does not mean you automatically gain secret insight to the field of law. So, in order to help all you would-be litigators out there, here's my list of those phrases and my own special meaning to them (I wouldn't suggest you use these in your legal documents with my particular definition assigned, just FYI)....consider them my own "terms of art"(ful creativity)....they may just be torts.

1) Double Jeopardy--when the person on Jeopardy answers the daily double correctly.
2) Negligence--an act committed while wearing sexy lingerie.
3) Consideration--a lovely peppercorn. (Some may get this; others may be used to widgets.)
4) Common law--law that everyone knows.
5) Perpetuity--when a person intentionally stiffs a waiter.
6) Retainer--something lawyers wear to keep their fees straight.
7) Begs the question--when a lawyer raises a rhetorical question in a whiny tone of voice.
8) Juris Doctorate--what pre-law students want to obtain.
9) Juris Doctor--what law students actually get.
10) Tort--arises when someone hits you in the face with a dessert.
11) Starre decisis--that painting by Learned Hand.
12) Fair--what comes to town once a year.
13) Unduly prejudicial--a piece of evidence that calls someone a dirty name based on their race, ethnicity, religious background, gender, or sexual preference.
14) Balancing test--what you do when studying for the Bar. (Ex: should I drink or should I study?)
15) En banc--the cleverly named bank down the street.
16) Voir dire--that expensive designer suit you just bought.
17) Dictum--a dirty name for opposing counsel.
18) Fertile octogenarian--an 80 year old woman with her eggs on ice.
19) Overfishing--when a lawyer demands too much stuff during discovery.
20) Interstate commerce--those damn tollbooths on the highways.

Any additions?

And the Free Kindle Goes to......

A few weeks ago, when my first novel, Death's Dream Kingdom, came out, I said I would give away a free kindle to the person who helped me spread the word about the book's release.   I have to say that one person really went above and beyond to earn the kindle.   Mishy of Haunted Antique Store (http://www.hauntedantiqueshop.blogspot.com/) tweeted, facebooked, put it on her blog, and distributed it in her newsletter to over 3000 people.  Wow.  Thanks Mishy!  The kindle is yours.  I will be emailing you to get your address so I can send it to you!  I appreciate everyone else who participated and thank you all for everything you did to help.  I wish I could give a kindle to all of you!

Buy Death's Dream Kingdom Now!

Happiness and the law...this is possible!

Lawyers are inherently miserable creatures. They bitch and moan about their jobs, their student loans, their clients, and anything else related to work that comes up. A statistic floating around is that lawyers have one of the highest suicide rates among professions, although I was unable to substantiate this rumor. However, I was able to find statistics that show lawyers are 3.6 more likely to be depressed than others. In fact, when I googled "depression by profession" (forgive the rhyme), the top ten searches all pertained to the legal profession. This is an epidemic, and one I think is easily fixed. This is not to say I do not think that depression is a serious mental condition. However, with medicine, changes in lifestyle, and a focus on things that makes a person happy, even lawyers are capable of being happy, well-adjusted, non-depressed people too!

I have had times in my life when I was not happy. I have had times when my life seemed incredibly bleak. Every winter, the dark cold weather makes me want to hibernate. A lot of this depression arose during my time in law school--law students do not necessarily make the best of friends, particularly my cut-throat class. After a while, though, I learned a lot that helped me change my perspective and return to my normal, happy-go-lucky personality. They are as follows:

1) Branch out--when I was surrounded by law students all the time, I was miserable. I spoke about the law all the time. Even when we were discussing other things, law managed to sneak into our conversations. I met some people outside of law school, started balancing my time with both law and non-law people, and was able to finally get that "break" I needed.

2) Take some alone time--I think people all think they need to be surrounded by people at all times, but people should learn how to cope with being by themselves, because we can't always have people around. If you can't stand your own company, why should anyone else? I'm not saying we should isolate ourselves from people intentionally, but there is nothing wrong with having an hour by yourself to think, reflect, and enjoy your own company.

3) Work out--you don't have to be kickboxing to get awesome results. I know fitting in my clothes makes me happier, and any time I'm stressed, heading to the gym helps me cope with this. It's also a great way to meet other people, an amazing feeling to reach personal goals, and gives you a sense of accomplishment in keeping yourself fit and feeling strong. If you can't respect yourself enough to keep yourself healthy and in good physical shape, you're unlikely to have as much confidence as you could have. The endorphins triggered by working out also work like an anti-depressant, which aid in kicking depression's ass.

4) Stop boozing every day--alcoholism is also rampant in the legal profession. Did you know it's a DEPRESSANT? That's why you get sleepy when you booze it up. That's also why you sometimes see those idiot girls sitting on a curb bawling their eyes out while slurring into a phone how much they miss their ex-boyfriends. If you must drink, choose a day a week. Do not drink every day. Do not drink until you black out. Do not make excuses for your drinking every day. Go to a treatment program if you are drinking every day.

5) Start volunteering--as a lawyer, you're recommended to complete 50 hours of pro bono service per year. This translates to ONE HOUR PER WEEK, folks. This is negligible. You have a degree in a field that can literally change someone's life. Use it. If you can't see yourself helping others with your law degree, volunteer as a Big Brother/Sister, head on over to your soup kitchen, write a check to a worthy cause, or just  man a hotline a couple of hours per week. It makes you realize your life isn't that sucky and that others really do have it harder than you. Really. You bitch about sucky clients--there are people that don't have a house. That's not to belittle your problems, but it does help put things into perspective.

6) Listen more--no matter your profession, if you are listening to others and talking less, you will probably be happier. Ask your friends how they are, and mean it. Talk to your mom on the phone and actually listen to her. When your clients express concerns, try to show an interest.

7) Smile--no seriously, smiling has been shown to trigger the release of endorphins. Sometimes, it's also just nice to smile at someone and have them smile back at you.

8) Do something nice for yourself--I see this a lot with women. They focus so much on others around them or on negative thoughts that they never do anything for themselves. If this means cooking your favorite meal, getting a manicure, or treating yourself to a haircut, DO IT.

9) Let things go--it's really easy to focus on your negative feelings or prior transgressions of others. Stop worrying about them--as Van Wilder said, it's like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do, but you get NOWHERE. Seriously, just let them go. Move on. Stop giving other people power over you. It makes your life a lot easier to not have to keep track of who you are pissed off at, and those negative feelings really screw up your psyche.

10) Seek counseling--if you cannot shake your feelings of sadness or depression, do not be embarrassed to seek help. Having someone to talk to about these feelings helps a lot, and they may be able to prescribe you something that helps normalize the chemicals in your brain and get you feeling more like yourself, sans the cobwebs.

I realize I'm not certified in mental counseling. However, these have all been shown to help, and when I implemented them in my life, I felt significantly better. The ladies in my office are incredible, and you'd never know they're lawyers. They are happy with what they are doing, go home to their families and time with those they love, and LOVE their jobs. I'm going to leave with the last item on this list, which I think is the most important:

11) Pick a branch of the law you LOVE: time and time again, I hear of people that are pursuing something they hate because it pays well. Ultimately, you're going to be unsatisfied, and feel trapped, because you're used to that type of living. And you're going to be scared to be poor. Poor does not equate to unhappiness. Wealth certainly makes life easier, but it definitely doesn't make it more worth living. Keep this in mind, and choose carefully. Don't be afraid to start over. Don't be afraid to pursue something that's not traditional. Don't be afraid of other people's opinions. Be BRAVE. Be HAPPY. Live with purpose.

And live your life your way. You only get one chance.

Bucket lists FTW

Blog Creeper is an avid bucket-lister....she's already crossed off most of her bucket list items, which means she will have to either create an entirely NEW bucket list for the future, or kill herself due to having nothing new to look forward to. :P Maybe one of her bucket list items can be helping me figure out my bucket list, since I've never made one and have no idea where to start. You see, I'm a simple person. I like to sleep. I like to eat. I like to lay back and watch Netflix. But I also LOVE lists (I will go into that love later...)

So I need some suggestions for a bucket list. I've been thinking of some things, and here's what I have at the moment:

1. Run for public office--notice this does not say "win" public office. I am a born loser, but it sure would be fun to run for it. Being appointed would just as good, though....
2. Win a decent pot playing Texas Hold Em--I'm talking about using my mad theatrical skills while fluttering my eyelashes and cooing to others in a Southern accent while secretly swindling them out of their common sense and stakes...
3. Vacation in Australia/New Zealand--I love me some hobbitses
4.  Run a 27 minute 5K--I hate running. I like winning.
5. Win a personal injury case--I do not plan on pursuing personal injury; that said, I'd like to win one case and collect a fat fee--refer to #2
6. Write a novel--it can be shitty. I just want to write one. Why the hell not?? 
7.  Get a pedicure--I figure some need to be short-term. I can't write a novel in the next week, now can I? Have I mentioned I like winning?
8. Use my undergrad degree for my law practice at least once. I will not go into my undergrad degree. I will say a case that utilizes it would be interesting.
9.  Get married. Because we all should get married at least once. ;)
10. Argue in front of a Supreme Court. Doesn't have to be SCOTUS.

Any more suggestions??

Some people....

I went out this weekend with Leonidas, AC (our fabulously amazing gay friend--Danny actually coined this nickname for him, btw), and a couple of Leonidas' guy friends. Since we all know how I feel about going out (aka: I am an old woman and should be in bed by 10:30), suffice to say I needed a few shots to get started (I don't drink beer--I am adverse to potbellies on women).

While we were out, I met a few new people who were really nice. We talked (as much as you can when music is blaring over the speakers), I had shots purchased for me (which I am certainly also not adverse to), and I may have even gotten a business card for future commercial endeavors. And at the end of my night, when I was pleasantly buzzed, one of Leonidas' friends pissed.me.off. (Note: the people who I had just met were extremely nice and polite.)

What kind of guy thinks it is okay to touch a woman in such a way that makes her uncomfortable and slightly queasy?  ANSWER: the same kind of asshole that will hang out of a window and catcall to women who are walking back to their cars from the club. Ladies and gentlemen, we have ourselves a loser winner.

Word of advice for you would-be handsy assholes out there that think it's okay to invade a woman's personal space: one of these days, you're going to get your balls cut off and handed to you. Or maybe someone won't be as nice as me and she'll throw them out of a moving car window. Either way, you'll be missing two of your prized possessions, but will have gained a valuable experience: to keep your fucking hands off girls, because let me assure you: NO MEANS NO (really, no joking).

Even more pathetic: if she's your friend's girlfriend. Yeah, that takes the assholishness to a completely different level. Even for you, you pathetic little parasite. And if your friend is too (ahem) nice to say anything, and I'm too uncomfortable to say anything, it doesn't mean it's okay to try it again.

If and when I ever go back out, and if this particular guy is there, and IF he endeavors to touch me at all.....

Y'all will probably have a much more entertaining story to read. Trust me. There are several satisfying options I can choose that will not land me in jail, although Leonidas might be a few friends short....

From: Gary Makara
Subject: Re: Help me out lawyer....
Date: May 20, 2011 7:38:01 AM PDT

PART 2
Thank you for your response to my mail, here are more information's regarding this matter. Below is the information of the borrower. And I know I will pay you a retainer for the job. I found you at mertindale.com website. And after reading your profile, I was very comfortable that you are the best Lawyer I needed that can help me with my matter at hand. See the attached file for the agreement note.

BORROWER NAME: Person's Name Here
ADDRESS: 3810 4th Avenue
Seattle, WA 98134

The Borrower is someone I have known for 12 years and we have done business in the past without any issues. He is into HEAVY DUTY EQUIPMENT RETAILS AND SALES. So, am I too? And he was the one that have introduced me into this very line of business 11yrs ago.
Like I stated in my previous email, Mr. Harrison owes me $175,000. I loaned him 260,000. And he has only paid me back $85,000 and the balance is still outstanding till this day. I am in constant contact with him and even though he has promised to pay the balance, I think the threat or possibility of litigation would serve as a catalyst to make him pay sooner rather than later. Find attached a PDF version of the Loan agreement Promissory note
I am prepared to pay your retainer fee for this service as soon as I get an engagement letter from your firm. I expect this to be a non-litigation collection from the borrower but I am prepared to litigate this matter if he is not ready to pay the balance owed on the loan agreement. Note that this loan is not in dispute
Send me the engagement letter so that we can proceed with this issue with him. I want to also let you know that as an owner of a business, this loan that I gave to Jason (Who I know very well) has caused considerable strain on my operation capital.
I can be reached at 1-647-772-6626 anytime. Time is of the essence for me now.
Sir, let me know how much your retainer will be for I am ready to retain your firm to help me with this very issues of mine.
Please send me your retainer agreement or engagement letter at your earliest convenience.
I am open to either an hourly or contingency fee basis. Please advice which works better for you.

Best Regards,

MR. GARY MAKARA
COOPER CONSTRUCTION EQUIPMENT RENTALS AND SALES LTD
300 SIDNEY AVE
WINDSOR, ONT. M8N 2M2
Direct Line: 1-647 772-6626
Office: 1-905-781-6341

PART 1
Dear counsel,

I am contacting you in regards to a breach of business loan agreement with a client in your locality. I provided a loan to the company so that they can meet up with their management and operational obligation during the rough economic climate of last year. I provided the company with an emergency loan of $260,000 with a term of 24 months and fixed interest rate of 6.0%. The repayment period has since elapsed but the company has been unable to finalize the repayment of the loan and have only paid $85,000.00 till date. Let me know if this falls under the scope of your practice so that I can provide you with more information on this matter.

Best Regards
Gary Makara
Email: gary.makara@blumail.org
Tel: 647-772-6626

Are You Ready for the Zombie Apocalypse Tomorrow?

 For those of you who haven't heard the news, Christian radio broadcaster and president of Family Radio Harold Camping has used complex biblical numerology to determine that the rapture is tomorrow.  I am a little off topic here, but I figure since, according to Camping, most of us will be ghosts in the next few months it is a more ghostly topic than most may think. Thousands of Campings followers have sold all their worldly possessions and abadoned their families to prepare for the end of times.   According to Camping,  only 200,000 people will be raptured tomorrow.  Only the most loyal will be taken to heaven.  As for the rest of us, he is pretty specific in what we can expect.  We will all have to survive hell on earth until October 21st when the world will end.   In the New York Times Camping said:

"When the clock says about 6 p.m., there’s going to be this tremendous earthquake that’s going to make the last earthquake in Japan seem like nothing in comparison. And the whole world will be alerted that Judgment Day has begun. And then it will follow the sun around for 24 hours. As each area of the world gets to that point of 6 p.m. on May 21, then it will happen there, and until it happens, the rest of the world will be standing far off and witnessing the horrible thing that is happening."

What is the next horrible thing, you may ask?  Many believe it will be zombies.  The CDC issued an alert (CDC officials claimed in the New York Times it was only to draw attention to their hurricane preparedness plan, but I think they know the zombies are coming) on their blog.   The CDC blog is titled Zombie Preparedness 101.   http://emergency.cdc.gov/socialmedia/zombies_blog.asp  .  The CDC isn't alone.  I found this sign on The Frog Queen's blog:   http://strangelittlegirlblog.blogspot.com/

So, in order to help all my readers prepare for the zombies that will probably start flooding our streets on Sunday, I have taken some tips from The Zombie Survival Guide, the CDC, and from my fading zombie blog to help you put off becoming a ghost and survive Sunday's zombie hoard.   Of course, Camping could be wrong.   He was wrong when he predicted the end in 1994, but it is better to be safe than sorry with these types of things.  

1. Always have a pack prepared with all the supplies you need in case you have to run.  Don't forget food, water, water purification supplies, lots of ammo, and blunt objects.  The CDC recommends you have the following items in your emergency preparedness kit:
•Water (1 gallon per person per day)

•Food (stock up on non-perishable items that you eat regularly)
•Medications (this includes prescription and non-prescription meds)
•Tools and Supplies (utility knife, duct tape, battery powered radio, etc.)
•Sanitation and Hygiene (household bleach, soap, towels, etc.)
•Clothing and Bedding (a change of clothes for each family member and blankets)
•Important documents (copies of your driver’s license, passport, and birth certificate to name a few)
•First Aid supplies (although you’re a goner if a zombie bites you, you can use these supplies to treat basic cuts and lacerations that you might get during a tornado or hurricane)


2.  Always use bludgeoning tools before guns when possible when facing a zombie.  Ammo will run out quickly and you'll never run out of bullets with an axe.

3. Avoid cities and towns.   When the people start dying, urban areas will be flooded with zombies. Find someplace remote where people didn't go much in life.

4.  Travel on foot when possible.  Roads will become backed up and traffic accidents and fires will draw the zombie hoard.   Walk quietly in the woods and avoid notice.

5.  Drink Trappist Ales.  I hear they repel zombies and they'll dull the pain if you are eaten alive.  I know I want to be drunk if I'm going to be disemboweled.

I hope all of you have a happy rapture day tomorrow and survive the zombie hoard on Sunday!  You know, I just realized my advice was go into the woods with guns and weapons and drink lots of beer.  Keeping that in mind, make sure people are dead before you shoot them or hit them.  Enjoy!

Zainab Lawyer

Dear Counsel,

Good day to you and thank you for your response to my inquiry. The previous email I sent you contacting your firm was regards to a post dissolution case with my ex husband Newberg Hamasaki who resides in your jurisdiction. Currently am living in South Korea for a field assignment (working on my thesis). I tried calling a couple of times but couldn’t get you as I have poor connection were I am based, and with the time difference (+13hrs EST) it is a little bit difficult to gauge the best time to reach you. I would appreciate if you can provide your cell number for effective communication. My ex husband and I agreed under this agreement for a one time cash settlement of $950,500.00, to his credit he has paid me $251,500.00 but still owing $699,000.00. I agreed to the terms of the agreement which is well within what Newberg can pay conveniently because I didn’t want the troubles of a long trial and so that we could part ways in the best way for all it was worth.


I am hereby seeking your firm’s assistance in collecting the balance from him and it is my belief that a Law firm like yours is needed to help me collect/enforce payment from my ex-husband or litigate this matter if he fails to pay as promised. He is aware of my intention to seek legal actions. I will be pleased to provide further information on this matter on request. I expect this to be a non-litigation matter. I have already advised him I am planning on retaining your firm. If you are happy to proceed, kindly send me a copy of your retainer and if the terms are acceptable I will sign so we can commence the process without delay

Thank you and have a pleasant day.

Regards,

Zainab Hamasaki
Address: 2F, Sekwang Bldg, 364 Galsan-dong, Seondong-Gu, Seoul 133-040
Cell- 0082-31-656 7883
+82-2-757-3969

The power of a flowchart....

Something I've learned through my (limited) experience with the study of law is that, ultimately, you're going in a big circle. Generally, my first assessments are typically right, although it's not for the right reasons. While this is okay in undergrad, it doesn't carry over really well on law school exams, because you are supposed to actually support your argument with a rational foundation (although this seems to be in short supply all around). So typically, my thought process goes something like this:

...............................YEAH................


As you can see, it's an arduous process. It would probably save a lot of time, energy, and hair if I did this instead:

Old Bryce Hospital for the Insane

Alabama Hospital for the Insane was designed to be a refuge for the mentally ill.  Its architecture was designed based on the ideas of Dorothea Dix and Thomas Story Kirkbride.  It was meant o be moral architecture that would contribute tot he healing process within the hospital   The hospital opened in 1861 and for a while it held to the ideals of Dix and Kirkbride.  The first superintendent, Peter Bryce, was an idealist and he had studied mental health in Europe.  He believed that patients should be treated with respect kindness.  He even abandoned the use of restraints.  The hospital was later named for Bryce and it went on to be the model for progressive mental health care.

Time quickly eroded Bryce' legacy, however.  By 1967, there were more than 5200 patients residing in a facility that was never meant to hold that many.  Observers described Bryce as a concentration camp and a model for human cruelty.  In 1970, one patient named Wyatt started a class action law suit against the Alabama's other mental hospital, Searcy State Hospital.  This lead to major change in the way the mentally ill were treated in Alabama.  The number of beds were cut drastically and humane treatment of the mentally ill became an absolute necessity.  The landmark Wyatt v. Strickney Casee would change Bryce drastically. Old Bryce was the African American portion of Bryce Hospital and was notorious for being even more cruel than its white counterpart.  After Wyatt v. Strickey and desegregation, Old Bryce was shut down entirely and other buildings were used.  The African American patients were integrated into the white population.  

Old Bryce still sits quietly deserted, however, as a reminder to the old days when patients were held like prisoners with no rights.   It is covered in graffiti and has been vandalized many times.  Its even been set on fire.  Trespassing is forbidden here, but the curious have reported seeing all manner of horrors coming out of the dark around Old Bryce.  Lights flicker on an off in the building that has no electricity.  Phones ring in rooms with no phones.  Phantom lights drift from room to room. Furniture moves on its own and footsteps echo through the abandoned hallways.  The living patients may be gone, but many believe Old Bryce is still filled with the ghosts of those who once suffered in its walls.

Sometimes, I just like to gloat....

I've got a few other blog entries in the works (mostly bemoaning how much lawyers that make me read shit on subjects they've mangled beyond human recognition SUCK), but I figured y'all could do with an update (I would have done it last night, but I went to bed at 10:00 like a geriatric lady). My summer goes something like this:

May: BUSY BUSY BUSY--no time to think; no time to relax; no time to play.
June: BUSIER BUSIER BUSIER--got to finish work; have a big event I have to go to; no time for vacay.
July: DEAD DEAD DEAD--this is the month I really need to find a job for the rest of the summer, lest I sit around on my ass eating hohos and watching reruns of Glee (which at this very moment, sounds like heaven) for the rest of the summer. I've got a wedding in New Orleans to attend (whoop whoop), a vacation to possibly plan, and a crazy family to attend to (and by attend to, I mean leach on for a little while and benefit from their craziness in such a way that finishing law school doesn't seem quite so bad).

August, I'm planning for school to start, getting some volunteering in, and by God, I've GOT to network so I may potentially have a job after my 3L year. No more fucking around--I needs to make some monies. I don't need lots of monies....just some. Pleaze? (I will start talking in lol catz if need be to get a damnable job.)

Other than this, I'm assessing different blog subjects to address in my limited experience with the law. Mostly it consists of bitching (which seems to be the norm), worries about the economy (check out the bitter lawyer's blog to see how common this one is), and sheer idiocy because I love the law and my current job (this is not common, and even though I hate some of the idiot briefs I read and have lawyer's necks I want to wring, the people here are awesome, the workload is manageable, and I'M LEARNING HOW TO BE A LAWYER, Y'ALL!).

I guess, in a nutshell, I can say I'm enjoying life. I like getting up at the buttcrack of dawn, playing with my dogs (who I shall now call Crackers), packing my lunch and gym bag, and being an ADULT! It's neato, without the pressure of actually making money (thanks Danny and Maxine!).

Yep. Life's pretty awesome right now.

A few of my favorite things....(and no, it's not raindrops on roses and kittens' whiskers, you pansy)

I have a few favorite things I like to do when I have the time. Few of these are healthy, since it's my firm belief that if you are exercising and are NOT miserable, you apparently are not doing it correctly. This top five blog will not include spending time with my friends and family, because that's way too obvious (for the record, I love doing this, but this post is not about the obvious things I like to do....).

Much like my brother Cyd, I definitely include sleeping in my top five. I love to sleep. I also use sleeping as a defense mechanism; that is to say, I sleep when I’m sick, I sleep when I’m pissed off, and I sleep when I’m sad (no emotional eating for me…I only eat when I’m bored or have nothing else better to do). Last night, I fell asleep at 10:00. (Refer to my post re: my conversation with Maxine about being an old lady.) If you read my blog, you’ll notice that sleeping is a common theme. So is being pissed off about people’s incompetence (to which I rant and rave…then sleep). Another common theme is frustration with law school (to which I sleep…FORGET READING!). Sleep…it’s the answer for just about anything.

I'm good at sleeping, y'all. I can literally lay down and go to sleep in less than two minutes. Maxine is convinced I've got narcolepsy. Still, sleeping isn't always the best for Fidget here....I have a tendency to doze off at the wheel of my car, to hibernate when there is bad weather (like that one winter my sophomore year of college), and when I don't sleep...well, I turn into a raging bitch from hell.

Another on my top five list of things to do is eat. Remember above how I said I'm not an emotional eater? Well, I'm not. I'm a compulsive eater. This is probably only a negative thing, although I'm sure I could find some positives about it if I looked hard enough. Leonidas likes to grumble about my eating views (my eating views, for those that do not know, consist of living to eat. Leon prefers to eat to live....the snob). Yes, this one cupcake tastes delicious. You know what would taste even more delicious? TEN MORE CUPCAKES!!!!!!!! Nom nom nom.....

Unfortunately, I do not get to eat nearly as much as I would like to. If I had my choice, I would probably be six hundred pounds, bedridden, and in a permanent diabetic coma (oh wow, I just combined TWO of my favorite things). Since I do not allow myself to eat everything in sight, I chose when to blow my calories....chili? No thanks. Chocolate cake? Yes, please. Eating out? Not really. Big homemade platter of ribs? DOUBLE YES. Not eating everything in sight is an exercise of willpower, which I've finally kinda gotten a handle over, although there are times when the fat kid in me comes out and hoards a homemade cookie (notice a theme? I don't really care for prepackaged--it's the stuff made with love I can't resist. I NEED LOVE!!!).

Something else I have always loved to do (when I have time, mind you) is read. Good demonstration: Leonidas and I were talking the other day about going out. The conversation that ensued went something like this:

Leonidas: You should go out some this summer. You can call a few people and get to know the town.

Ms. Dr. J: I don't really go out, Leonidas. I like to stay in. I like to sleep. I've never even been to a bar in my hometown.

Leonidas: You've been to bars in _________ (college town). And here!

Ms. Dr. J: Yeah, but I don't just love going. I like grabbing margaritas in restaurants, not playing beer pong in a bar.

Leonidas: You've NEVER been to a bar in your hometown?

Ms. Dr. J: I have owned library cards in every town I've lived in. That's the kind of person I am. I have LIBRARY CARDS.

Leonidas: Maxine was right.

Ever since I was little, I've been this kind of person. I love to read. I am really bad at remembering to bring library books back, but by God, I consider library fines my contribution to the community. My mom thinks my voracious reading is what rendered me partially blind. I used to get in trouble in elementary school for reading at my desk. My dad is convinced I will eat anything put in front of me if I'm reading a book (which may or may not be true). Reading is cool! Don't judge me. (Disclaimer: I am talking about any kind of book other than the legal casebook kind, unless the legal casebook kind involves something ridiculous and resolves itself in the way I think it should have, and the judge writing the opinion does so in a bitingly sarcastic and witty manner.)

Finally, the last thing I like to do when I have time (remember, I'm only really doing four, because the whole family and friends thing comes first on my list. {Y'ALL HEAR THAT? YOU'RE FIRST. Leave me along already!}) is spend money. I'm not talking about on stuff like clothing (for the most part, because I'm pretty lazy and don't want to try a lot of shit on)--I'm talking shoes, jewelry, accessories, real estate, and in places that have dirt cheap prices like TJ Maxx and Ross Dress for Less. Unfortunately, I can never do this. GIRL IS BROKE. I'm talking snake that got run through the lawnmower broke. One day, when I'm a super mildly successful attorney, maybe I'll get to spend money, but for the time being, I guess it's more apt to say another favorite thing of mine to do is to daydream about spending money.

So there I am, in a nutshell. I obviously like to spend time with my friends and family (but who doesn't, unless you're a psychopath or have psychopathic family, although it's your own fault if your friends are psychopaths). But in the meantime, I also like to sleep, eat, read, and daydream about spending money. I'm like a human parasite.

That has a ring to it: Fidget....the human parasite. (After all, one day, I will be a lawyer....ba dum cha.)

100 Stories For Queensland

100 Stories will be released in paperback on Tuesday 17th May as part of an Amazon Chart Rush.



Readers are invited to purchase the book from Amazon on the day with the intent to capitalise on the volume of sales to move the book up the Amazon best seller list.



The book retails online for £9.99 and is listed here at Amazon.

Welcome to my life (or: how even oldies are NOT always goldies)

Tonight, I had to prepare some paperwork for an important deadline. This paperwork HAS TO BE IN TOMORROW (with a postmark and everything). It's kinda a BFD. Accordingly, I waited until the last damn minute to do it (procrastination at its finest, y'all). So when I finally decided to get down to it, I realized oh shit....I'm not sure what kind of technology I'll be using (I generally use my own, but since I needed a printer, I'd have to borrow the whole kit and kaboodle). Not a big deal, right? HA.

So I went downstairs, and was greeted by this guy:

While this seems relatively harmless and docile, it's actually a RELIC. Many computers nowadays consist of something like this--except the entirety of the computer is actually contained WITHIN this component, instead of just serving as the screen (which went obsolete about, oh say, ten years ago). Monitors you can deal with, however. I was relieved to turn to the side and see this:

Don't let the windows sticker or USB drives fool you like they did me, though. Those are just for show. In actuality, this computer does NOT have Microsoft Word (or Works, or even Open Office, for those of us too cheap to purchase the real deal). And those USB drives? THEY.DON'T.WORK. I only figured this out, though, after repeatedly trying to access the internet. I might as well have been trying to teach a monkey the theory of relativity (and I would have probably had more success with the monkey). After spending over 45 minutes trying to enter my email and look at my documents in Word while online, I finally gave up and looked for my external hard drive. That's how I found out the awesome window dressings on the front of the tower were just for show. Way to go, HP guys! What a great trick you played on me! (If I could, I would hunt you down and bludgeon you to death. Just so you know.) So after I finally found a USB jack I could effectively plug my external into, I made the mistake of peeking at the printer.

Yep, folks. THAT'S THE ICING ON MY CAKE. Welcome to 1992. After gritting and gnashing my teeth, pulling out some of my hair, cursing every person to ever work at HP (and their nearest blood relatives), and threatening to end.that.tower....I was greeted by the slowest printer ON EARTH.

Seven pages.

Thirty minutes.

And another crack in my sanity.

Pretty sure technology isn't the only thing that hates me.

The Origins of Friday the 13th

Friday the 13ths is considered the most unlucky day of the year.  Most people aren't entirely sure where this bad luck comes from, but fear of Friday the 13th  can affect as many as 1 in 4 people.   The fear of Friday the 13th is known as triskaidekaphobia. 

"It's been estimated that [U.S] $800 or $900 million is lost in business on this day because people will not fly or do business they would normally do," said Donald Dossey, founder of the Stress Management Center and Phobia Institute in Asheville, North Carolina.

So where does this fear that can cripple a nation come from?   There really seems to be no consensus on the origin of Friday the 13th.  Everyone has a story, but most of them are different.  The fear comes from an unknown source.  Here's a look at a few of the Friday the 13th origin stories I've found.

One folklorist traces the origins back to Norse mythology.   There were 12 gods who had a dinner party in Valhalla.   A 13th guest, Loki, was uninvited.  Always the trickster, Loki tricked the god of darkness, Hoder, into shooting Balder, the god of joy.  Balder died and darkness descended on the earth.  Joy was lost to man and from then on 13 was considered unlucky.

In 1307, on October 13, 1307, King Phillip IV of France ordered every member of the order of the Knights Templar executed on charges of  high treason and heresy.  King Phillip owed the Templar's a good deal of money and they had amassed an enormous amount of wealth on their crusades.  It is thought that the order was actually to strip the Templar's of their wealth.   The Templar's were tortured horribly and forced to confess  to crimes they didn't commit.  They all died, but as the grandmaster died he cursed King Phillip and the day making Friday the 13th unlucky for future generations to come.

Many believe the fear comes from the number 13 itself.  According to numerologist, the number 12 is associated with completeness.  There are 12 months in a year, 12 zodiac signs, 12 apostles, 12 Olympian gods, 12 tribes of Israel,  12 hours in the clock, 12 labors of  Hercules.  The list goes on and on.  The addition of the 13 ruins perfection is utterly bad and unlucky.  In many stories, the 13th guest is always a bad sign.  Think Judas at the last supper and Loki in the above story.  It is the number 13 that lends the curse to Friday the 13th.   Combine that with the unlucky Friday, when Jesus was crucifies and Adam tempted Eve and you have a recipe for an unlucky day.

It is clear there are many reasons to fear the dreaded Friday the 13th, but for me Friday the 13ths have always been lucky.  So have a happy Friday the 13th, watch one of the 12 million Friday the 13th movies (I like the one in space), and wish me luck on my lucky day!

The only thing worse than law school finals....

is WAITING FOR THE GRADES from the law school finals.

Let me clarify: I'm pretty sure 1Ls have it the worst the second semester of each school year, because their professors literally wait until the very last day to submit their grades. 2Ls are lucky in that they take classes with 3Ls, which means the professors have to turn in their grades so the 3Ls can graduate. 3Ls don't have it that bad in terms of waiting....unless they have to pass a particular class to graduate and have to wait to see if they will be walking down that aisle.

But the first semester of a school year, we're all on even footing. This means we are suffering, and I don't know about you, but a five week wait for your grades is excruciating to me, not because of the worry I may not pass a class, but because of the ANTICIPATION of awaiting my grades. This stress and anxiety is amplified a quatrillion times by the system we have to use to collect these grades. We can only sign into this system between certain hours of the day (which means weekends are even worse! Damn you, 12-12 availability). We must then click on an option to view our grades. But no, this is not it. We must THEN select the semester's grades we want to see (as if to say, no, Ms. Dr. J, we don't have your grades now, but would you like to see that C- you made last year?). May I also impress upon you how difficult the selection process is while using a cell phone? My fat fingers cannot manage to navigate this process smoothly. No....it requires about three "refresh" clicks, a couple of "back" clicks, and a shitton of cussing.

And then, what do I see?

A BIG FAT TON OF NO GRADES.

Excruciating, I tell you. There should be an easier option. I mean, WHY is my grade from a totally multiple choice scantron final examination not posted? Why do I have to jump on one foot while rubbing my tummy to see these grades (or lack thereof)? WHAT ELSE DO PROFESSORS HAVE TO DO THAN GRADE MY EXAMS? (We all know they live at the school and don't even go to the bathroom).

But then again...maybe it's just better not knowing.

Question of the Day

I am not sure how many people actually read this blog, but I'd like to pose a question to you (something that was constantly raised during Crim Pro)--

Imagine you are in your backyard. You're surrounded by police officers (let's just say 5 or 6). They are asking you a few casual questions, then ask if you would accompany them to the police station.(For this hypo, they don't show you their guns or speak in an intimidating matter.) Illegal seizure? DISCUSS. (Also...I'm open to discussions regarding the average person's opinion. Do you, "average Joe," feel like you would be compelled to go to the police station in these circumstances, whether you want to or not?)

Okay, now that I've gotten that out of the way....I'm going to keep this blog brief. Maxine apparently thinks she is funnier than me. She also thinks she writes better stories. I'm going to call bullshit on that. To call bullshit effectively, I've set her up with a blog. And as soon as she SOMEHOW figures out how to work the little thing called the "internet," maybe she can prove herself.

I'm not gonna hold my breath....

(Because her+technology=hopeless and me=infinitely funnier. Trust me.)

Doctor Lawyer

Please review the agreement to see how best you can assist me.

We agreed that my money will be refunded after two years, and the agreed period is past and he still has not paid me back. He is aware of my intention to seek legal/mediation help.

I want you to assist in the collection of these funds and represent me in connection with any matter with the resolution of the Agreement reached, particularly as he is presently within your location presently.

I have just advised him of my intention to retain your firm. Please send me your retainer procedure and advise so that we may proceed. I look forward to hearing from you. The agreement is attached. I look forward to your prompt response.

Sincerely

Dr. Richard Abramovic
Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia.
Tel: +60104332406.

The Gaurdian Ghost of Cloudland Canyon

Cloudland Canyon is one of the most beautiful places I have ever been camping.  It is quiet and filled with the gentle sound of trickling water.  It is known for its waterfalls, but the small waterfalls are just as beautiful as the bigger more famous waterfalls.  The park is situated on the Southeast corner of  Lookout Mountain, but isn't overrun with tourists like the Northeast side of the park.   A deep gorge runs through the park, which is filled with creeks, waterfalls, and lush vegetation.   On a quiet evening, camping in this park, the children can explore and discover adventure while the adults find peace around a fire.  During the day, extensive hiking trails innervate the park offering views of rare beauty.

At night, after the campfire is out and all the campers have retired to their tents to sleep,  it is said that a ghost wanders the park leaving footprints behind him.  The ghost is often seen on a high point in the park looking down on visitors.   He is seen on horseback and in the garb of a Cherokee brave.  Many campers report seeing him at their campsite and other campers have reported finding the tracks of an unshod horse in their campsite when they wake up in the morning.   He is often seen wandering between campsites, watching the campers.  These sightings are not described as fearful encounters and many believe the Native American is there to protect the park and its residents.   I never saw this ghost while we were camping in Cloudland Canyon, but I could see why he would want to stay in the park, even after death.   It is one of the most beautiful places I have ever camped.

For this bountiful semester, I thank you, baby Lord Jesus....

I think finals should be celebrated much like Thanksgiving....with praise to the dear baby Lord Jesus, many thanks, and reflection regarding the reasons you should be happy with your life. So, without further contemplation, here are my reflections upon the school semester (on the subject of lessons learned, things I am thankful for, and things I would probably do differently):

1) You are not always in control of your grade. Especially in classes that require you to demonstrate a skill and rely on another person's reactions, performance, and unforeseen obstacles....sometimes that A is just not in the cards. (Or that B....)

2) I would not hire most law students to be my lawyer....I'm not talking now. I am talking about five years down the road when we are established and certified to practice law. In five years, I would not want 90% of these people to be my lawyer. I understand waiting until the last minute for something that impacts your life, but not waiting until the last minute for a huge case that impacts another person's life. Another big reason: these people do not give a shit about anyone except themselves. Selfish lawyers and potential lawyers....do us all a favor. Jump off a bridge (or move to Cambodia and live under one).

3) I will not take another class that is not required just because it may be helpful on the bar exam. I do not do as well in these classes, I don't listen as hard as I should during the year, and I almost certainly end up having to teach myself the subject last minute. Which I would have done anyway before the bar....and certainly closer to the bar. Not making this mistake again. (Read: if you are not interested in this subject and not self-motivated enough to keep up with it through the year....it.is.not.worth.it.)

4) Sometimes, maybe you should consider planning your schedule around your final exams. Back to back final exams in difficult classes are NOT fun. They are even less fun when they are both at 8:30 in the morning. Tests on the same day=spontaneous combustion. Yeah....I need to start looking at final exam schedules.

5) I should dwell on the questions I got wrong a whole lot less. Worrying is not going to make it better. Obsessing is not going to somehow change my answer for me. Comparing notes will only serve to frustrate me. It's probably best I walk away from the exam and drink myself into oblivion, so I black out and cannot remember not only how I got in my bathtub, but even the subject I was tested on.

6) I'm thankful I go to classes. It makes it a lot easier to study when I actually decide to buckle down and do so.

7) I'm thankful I have teachers that write the books from which they teach. It makes it easier to know what they *may* want on their exams, although this is not a guarantee. If nothing else, it helps you when going through an E&E that says something different, because, HEY, in their book, they say _____________.

8) Maxine and Leonidis will never get law school finals. While this is frustrating, I'm also thankful for it, because this means they can empathize and not try to one-up me with a similar law school horror story. I'm also thankful because it means that they've not ever had to deal with the gut-wrenching terribleness of a LSF...which I (mostly) wouldn't wish upon my worst enemy.

9) Drinking is not an adequate way to deal with LSFs. I mean this. I like alcohol as much as the next gal. But I liked this one phrase that came out of the movie "How Do You Know?" (an otherwise completely useless bullshit movie that I do NOT recommend you seeing) where Reese repeats her father's mantra: "Don't drink to feel better. Drink to feel EVEN BETTER." I like this. I drink in celebration. However, I will maintain my earlier option that if you are simply drinking to forget, then that doesn't count.... ;)

10) I'm thankful for post-finals celebratory sushi. Sushi tastes even sweeter when you are eating it after endless days of micromeals, black coffee, and power bars. No really...it does.

What are YOU thankful for/reflective about/reluctant to do again?

If my life were a play....

Normally I write every single day. It's very cathartic and a great way to get rid of things that are bothering me. On the other hand, 14 hours of sleep does roughly the same thing....the only casualties of my hibernation was a missed call to my boyfriend and a half-finished "Earl the Squirrel" story I was making up for my brother. This leads me to my topic of discussion today: I've somehow neglected to name some of the main characters of my life, and I'm pretty sure calling my peoples "the boyfriend" and "my mom" will eventually get old, so I'm going to engage in a (drum roll please) SUPER AWESOME NAMING EXTRAVAGANZA.

In the interest of anonymity, I will not give official or even semi-close names for my peoples. I also will not give them names of inanimate objects (because that would just be weird). So without further adieu, here are the main characters of my life and many of my stories:

My mother (aka: sometimes will be referenced as crazy, ridiculous, or lacking in superior mentality): she is a source of a great many stories, many of them told from a frustrated point of view. She calls me at least 50 times a day (seriously.not.joking) and many times just doesn't get it. She can also be quite witty, although I find she's generally funnier when her barbs are not aimed at me. I think I shall call her Maxine, after that mean lady from the cartoons who is occasionally funny. Apparently she prefers Irma (seriously, WHO PREFERS IRMA?!?!?!) but Maxine it is.

Brother #1: he is not too much younger than me, and favors sleeping to being awake. However, when he is awake, he has a wicked sense of humor that girls generally turn and run from. It's like garlic to a vampire. He is literally the equivalent of a human sloth. I therefore shall call him Cyd. (My mom would also have you know Cyd is creepy and, if he weren't her son, she would seriously question his lack of a criminal record.)

Brother #2: he is quite a bit younger than me, and a lot like me. He's incredibly smart, but lacking in common sense to a degree that is hilarious and very endearing (note: I am neither incredibly smart or hilarious/endearing....I meant in the sense of personality). He likes playing video games to a point where he should technically be blind, but somehow he managed to escape from the terrible fate of blindness I have inexplicably been given. In light of all these facts, I think I shall call him "Calvin," after his favorite comic strip (although I'm pretty sure he prefers Hobbes).

Boyfriend: he has somehow managed to put up with me for quite some time now, and doesn't show any signs of giving up on me. He's funny, likes reciting movie scenes in the shower, and is a serious car enthusiast. I also suspect he hates my cooking (although he professes to love it), simply from the sheer amount of times he opts to go out for dinner instead of staying in. From here on out, he will be known as Leonidas, the character he probably quotes the most in the middle of his showers. (Note: this was a tough decision, because he also loves quoting the movie "Troy" and might have preferred another name. Too bad. Leonidas stands.)

I have another friend who follows my blog that I shall simply refer to her name she has already given herself: "Blog Creeper." Her biography can come at another day, although I may allow her to write her own, if she so likes.

My dad doesn't really come up a whole lot in my stories, but he's pretty damn funny too when I actually get to hang out with him. He likes fishing, working, and sleeping (though not to the extent that Cyd does). I say this because any time we go on vacation, we end up staying in the hotel more than leaving...because it's his "damn vacation too, and he deserves a break." I think I shall call him Danny, due to his very minimal resemblance to Danny Tanner from Full House. Maxine thinks this makes no sense. I don't care, Maxine. (She's pissed I gave her a shitty name and gave him a decent one. Like IRMA was any better???)

So, there are the main characters in my life, although I'm sure the secondary ones will come up from time to time, and I shall name them as they come. As for me, I'll just refer to myself in the first person rather than the third, thus taking away all need for one. However, Maxine thinks I need a name for the conversations I have with her that I sometimes illustrate in third person. She hereby has deemed me "Fidget," the bat from The Great Mouse Detective (apparently because I'm blind as a bat)...although I do NOT have a gimpy leg. (I can do a great impersonation of him though, if you ever want to hear it.) I guess Fidget is a decent enough name.

I think that about sums up the vast ridiculousness of my life....Maxine, Cyd, Calvin, Leonidus, Danny, and Blog Creeper.

And me....Fidget.

May God have mercy on our souls.

Recommending A Fellow Blogger

Frances Garrood very kindly sent me a copy of her second (I think) novel called 'The Birds, The Bees and Other Secrets'. It's really a woman's book I suppose but I don't mind admitting I read my wife's Jill Mansells and, of course, I have to research women's mags. It was an enjoyable read and should appeal to anyone who likes quirky characters. Because this is definitely a character-led story and I wanted to keep reading to find out what happens to them all. Some of the people in the story aren't even given proper names and even the various dogs that appear have their own eccentricities.

If you get a chance, please get hold of a copy of this book. I promise you won't be disappointed. You can't have mine because it has Frances' autograph in it.

Spirit Cabinets

In the late 19th century and the early 20th century that was a movement known as the spiritualist movement.  I have written about the spiritualist movement before and those of you who know the paranormal well are probably very familiar with it.  During this time their was an explosion in interest in the supernatural in general.  Mediums and explorers of the otherworldly were everywhere having seances and trying to connect with the other side.  Well known people like Sir Arthur Conan Doyle endorsed the movement.  

A spirit cabinet is one of the many tools that was designed to aid mediums and spiritualist during this time period.  The cabinet was a tool inspired by an audience member viewing a medium.  At the time, mediums put on quite show.  They summoned spirits and made objects move.  Lights flashed, ectoplasm was spewed forth in a dazzling proof that ghosts were among us.  One audience member was skeptical and indicated that mediums could be using the same slight of hand a magician uses to produce such affects.  They said the medium should be bound in a box so they couldn't use slight of hand.

The spirit cabinet was made to accomplish this.  During a seance, a medium was bound in the locked cabinet.  Once bound within the cabinet, the medium would produce an even more amazing show.  Music and light would come from the box. Sometimes ghosts hands would creep out of cracks and crevices.

Of course, in reality, the spirit cabinet made it even easier for the many fraudulent mediums of the time to fake spiritual encounters. Once locked in the box, they could easily escape their bindings and use their hands to manufacture ghostly phenomena.  All they had to do was creep back into their bindings to convince the audience that ghosts had filled the room with the paranormal rather than them.     Sometimes spirit cabinets were little more than a curtain with a chair behind it that the medium hid behind.  

The cabinets many flaws were exposed by stage magicians like Houdini who showed how easy it is to fake the ghostly phenomena from behind a curtain.   This was one of the many nails in the spiritualist coffin that proved that most mediums were frauds and that ghosts didn't move furniture or play music on demand.

There once was a girl from law school...

A girl with law exams back to back,

Was decisively starting to crack.

The moment arose--

her computer froze,

That's what she gets for using a Mac.

One of my professors wanted our class to come up with limericks for Wills, Trusts, and Estates cases. Suffice to say, I find it hard enough to read any cases, so I didn't jump on that particular bandwagon. Additionally, limericks are supposed to be entertaining and the only way you could make that class interesting would be to conduct it in a Jerry Springer format (c'mon, don't tell me the subject isn't just ripe with potential for chanting, personal comments into the "microphone," and the occasional (simulated) bitch slap). This got me to thinking: what if I were to write limericks all the time? (To answer that question: I would probably be considered far more annoying than I already am viewed and eventually be stoned by a large group of people with a mob mentality and an unquenchable taste for blood--although I suppose I wouldn't be considered as annoying/pretentious as someone who went around composing haikus all the time.)

Take the above, for example: I love my PC. I'm not quite sure what all the hullabaloo is about Macs. They don't have a right-click buttons, they need special software to be compatible to anything remotely cool out there, and they've essentially ripped off Lenix, smacked an apple logo on it, and labeled it "trendy." Sure, they may not be any worse than PCs....but they certainly aren't superior. (And you're paying mondo mucho buckeroos for that free operating system and picture of an apple.) I wouldn't wish this on anyone...but it sure would be fun to watch (refer to my post regarding my relationship with technology--I frequently am that girl...why can't I wish it on someone else for a change??)....

Or how about a limerick for how I feel right now, which cannot be described with any good adjectives like funny, witty, or even alive (okay, alive isn't an adjective, but you get my point)....

I once went two days without sleep,

after weeks of minimal upkeep.

I decided to waive

any chance of a shave,

in exchange for counting some sheep. 

I'm pretty sure that's self-explanatory. I'm exhausted. I've had about five hours of rest in the past sixty hours. I'm to a point where I get halfway through a thought and completely lose it. I can't even focus on what people are saying. I resorted to caffeine for a perk (not my cup of tea, so to speak). No more. Now, I get to relax in my wonderfully comfortable bed with brand new clean sheets and a chance to finally recharge. 

Oh yeah, and law school exams are over. Unfortunately, the cruel evidence of the harrowing two weeks remains...glaring at me (and others) like two accusing caterpillars sitting on my face. 

 To the students whose exams go on...

I hope you have shittons* of fun.

For me, I'll be snoring,

 In my bed. Have fun poring

Over books. I'm offically done... 

(Bitches)

*pronounced to rhyme with "kitten"

GOOD NIGHT!

Ikeda Tools Lawyer

Hello

I am Mr. Bishamon Chokichi the director of Ikeda Tools Co, Ltd Japan we
are looking for a service of an attorney to stand as intermeddle to
receive payment on be that half our company.

As you know since the earth quake in my country we are still trying to
stand as a company so we need your assist to collect payment from our
customers and in every payment you have your percentage.

Please if you are willing to assist our company do contact me with the
email below for more details. (ikedatools@yahoo.com.hk)


Best regard

Mr. Bishamon Chokichi

Ikeda Tools Co Ltd
1372-2 Ohishi, Fuji-kawaguchiko-machi Yamanashi, Japan

Bad timekeeping can get you fired in the big leagues....WHY NOT IN LAW SCHOOL?

Let me preface this with saying that I have NEVER EVER EVER left a law exam crying. I wouldn't have today either....except for something that I consider so fundamentally unfair and stupid, I couldn't help but be upset and pissed at my own helplessness. Let me also preface this with saying I didn't let anyone see me cry....because that's lame and not conducive to my awesome rep.

With that said.....let me explain the circumstances. I was taking a 50 question multiple choice law school final today. I stayed up a good portion of the night studying for this, and I felt reasonably prepared for the material. I'm not going to say I'm a pro at the information, but I certainly am not retarded in this particular area of the law (and by God, I can qualify just about anything to suit my purposes). I went through the exam marking the ones I knew, the ones I was confused about, and the ones where I might as well have just marked "C" for because I had no fucking idea.

Our administrator, whom I will now call "Beverly" (Bev for short), sat at the front of the room. Our clock...in a chair (presumably where everyone could see it). I like to see the clock. I don't own a watch and we cannot consult our cell phones (or at least, I don't because of the appearance of impropriety and the possible narcs in our class because, oh yeah, our classmates most assuredly sucks balls). So I'm going through my exam...

Two hours left.

One hour left.

30 minutes left.

15 minutes left. ::Bev picks up the clock and puts it in her lap::

WAIT....WHAT?

I now cannot see the clock. I have no idea how much time I have left. I do not have a watch with which to check time because they provide you with a clock FOR A REASON. Surely she will count us down right?

Bev calls ten minutes.

Bev calls five minutes.

(Working feverishly at this point....a few more to go, and I can guess on the remainders, right?)

WRONG: TIME.

No fucking minute warning. No 30 second warning. Jack diddly shit.

I didn't mind the content. I did, however, mind the fact that I didn't complete FOUR of the answers because I was unaware I had approximately five.seconds.left. Four...out of 50. Which is almost 10% of the exam's overall score. Which I had approximately a 50% chance of getting right (I had narrowed each down to two possible answers).

This translates into FOUR points off my entire grade. Because this lady decided to put the fucking clock in her lap. If you are going to completely deny me the opportunity to know how much time is left, please count down at least the minute mark. Fuck you, Bev. The worst part is I'm sure beyond a reasonable doubt that my reporting this would have no impact on the outcome of my final, testing procedures for the future, or allow me to fill in those fucking blanks.

So yeah....my day=complete fail. Another test tomorrow.

Which means I can't even drown my sorrows in a barrel of tequila.

Maybe I can just drown myself in the barrel instead.

I'm a bad influence

A friend of mine who I've keyed into my super secret identity has decided to spend some of his valuable time procrastinating, and just upgraded my banner at the top of the page. Apparently, his pen is way cooler than mine (and I have to admit his lines are cleaner). To add insult to injury, he used a free program. So, Mr. Z (as I shall call him): thank you.

As an aside to break up the whole studying thing, apparently technology has gone one more step to show its undying hatred for me: the hard drive recommended to me by the technology guys at my school is for DESKTOPS. Mr. Technology Guy, you are hereby demoted to my shit list. Not only am I out $45, but I'm also forced to look at a hard drive that is thicker than the WHOLE of my computer (because I can't just throw away the hard drive). (And I'm not the idiot here--I still have the print off showing the EXACT same hard drive I'm currently staring at.)

It's time for a run for supplies. I'm running low on the necessaries (no, not the "law school" necessaries of booze and cigarettes--the "gamer-friendly" necessaries of cheetos, gatoraid, and "5 hour energy").

So for the time being, may the force be with ME, and may you have more success at life than I currently am....

Death's Dream Kingdom Free Kindle Give Away Contest!

I have been trapped in a disaster area since last Wednesday when the first tornado sirens went off.  Since that time,  I have been stuck in the dark and  lost away from computers and modern conveniences.   I got my power back last night and that is cause to celebrate and when my computer came back on I realized that my novel, Death's Dream Kingdom has been released.  This gives me double cause to celebrate!

To celebrate Death's Dream Kingdom,  I am going to give away a kindle.  Death's Dream Kingdom  has been released first on kindle and won't be out in other formats until November, so it is time for me to celebrate the kindle by giving them away.  If you are like me and always wanted a kindle but don't want to pay for one, now is your chance to get one.  The rules to this contest are simple.

Rules:

1. Tweet, facebook, blog, and tell your friends about this contest.
2. Comment below telling how many times and where you posted, talked about, and linked to the contest
     ex. I tweeted 4 times, told 2 friends, and posted the contest on facebook
3. The person who does the most to spread the word about this contest will win a free kindle.
4. In the event of a tie, I will give a way 2 kindles
5. In the event of a three way or greater tie, I will draw names.
6. Winners will be announced on May 23, 2011.

So spread the word and you will get a free kindle this month!  Help me celebrate having a new book out and having the amazing power of electricity!  If you are interested in buying Death's Dream Kingdom and helping me celebrate, you can click on the link below.  Also,  I give extra points to people who buy the book :).

Buy Death's Dream Kingdom Now!